Always and Forever

I walk inside and quickly slip into the bathroom. Luckily the makeup is waterproof so I just pat away the wetness on my cheeks. I close my eyes and I can still feel his hand on my cheek, his words echoing in my head. I force myself to open my eyes and remind myself why I'm here. I smile in the mirror but it doesn't even reach my eyes. Teja it's time to pull yourself back together.  I need to end this pity party. There is someone waiting for me who I chose to commit myself to and I need to focus on that. I leave the bathroom and go back to my suite.

As I'm walking back, I feel like I'm in a fog. I can see everything around me but the I'm still lost in the aftermath of what happened. I walk back into the room and everyone's eyes are on me. I'm greeted with hundreds of questions about where I was, why I was gone for so long, if I'm okay. I don't answer anyone and just sit down on the couch. My mom sits down next to me and rests her hand on my leg. "Teju where were you."

I sigh and put my head on her shoulder. "I just needed some fresh air. I was feeling anxious and needed some time alone."

She grabs my hand and holds it between hers. "Next time just tell us you're going or take your phone. We got scared. You're okay right?"

She turns to look at me and I swallow past the lump in my throat. "Of course I'm fine. Perfectly fine." I don't let myself think about what a lie that is.

I look up and in the corner of my eye, I see two of my distant cousins looking at me then whispering. I lift my head up from my mom's shoulder and while looking at them say, "Is there anything you two want to ask?"

They don't say anything but look at each other and giggle.

I ask again, "Come on. There's something you clearly want to say."

They look at each other and while laughing they say, "Nothing we promise."

I narrow my eyes and get up and walk towards them. "Come on say what you want to say"

One of them looks at the other and raises her eyebrow. She whispers, "Just let it go Teja. Calm down we were just joking with each other."

I smile and let out a dry laugh. "You know what? You both should leave." I grab both their hands and walk them to the door of my room. "If you want to bitch about me, go do it somewhere else."

As I am walking them to the door they start frantically yelling out, "Teja what is wrong with you. Why are you acting like this? You're overreacting." Instead of answering, I just shut the door in their face.

I turn around and walk back inside the room and see everyone staring at me. I look around the room and ask, "Does anyone else have something to say? Go ahead and say it then leave."

After standing there in complete silence for a few seconds, I go and walk over to the couch. My mom still in the same spot I left her, turns to me and says, "Teja what happened? What were they talking about?"

"I don't know but just some nonsense"

"But what happened that you yelled at them? You're not acting like yourself."

"I'm fine. Trust me."

"Teju you don't seem fine. You seem stressed and upset. You screamed at them for no reason."

I close my eyes and whisper out. "I'm fine besides what is there to be upset about." What a lie. How many lies will you tell Teja? I don't know why their whispering affected me so much but it felt like they were judging my choices. Just the thought of that filled me with so much anger. No one understands me or how difficult the choice I made was. Why isn't anything I do good enough? Once again that feeling of anxiety takes over but I repress it.