incapable

CW: drugs and relapse
Word count: 5k

She hated that she still had the twitching mannerisms, the sudden head turns, the nose rub and pull. She hated all of it, especially the swallow of it all. She hated that she could still taste the nastiness of the drug in the back of her throat. Although she was high most of the time so she never minded it, she used to think of it as a reward of the euphoric high, that's how you knew the drug was pure. After using it for so long her gums had slight discoloration and her nose was inevitably fried. He didn’t care how long she had been using for, he knew she’d be able to overcome her addiction with his help of course, and she did thankfully she didn’t have it as bad as others did. And for that she was grateful for. He had met her one night after his gig, she was slumped over on the wall, mouth open and her eyes drained of life, she looked so animated.
    “Hello, can you hear me? Miss, are you okay? Would you like for me to call someone for you? Hello?” His eyes were full of worry. Such a beautiful girl sitting on the dirty asphalt all alone at 3 in the morning. God knows what could happen to her or if anything has happened to her. Her eyebrows knitted in confusion. It felt like her head was dunked under water, her head felt like it weighed a ton. Nonetheless she made an effort to look at the stranger in front of her and let her eyes adjust to the back light behind the man. He looked like an angel. His unruly curly hair laid around his head, the light behind him made it look like a soft glowing halo. A few curls stuck to his forehead. His eyes were too dark to see in this light but she wondered if they were filled with worry or something else. His big soft hands and her shoulder and one shot up to hold the back of her head. “Daniel call the ambulance, we aren't leaving they can wait” his voice sounded panicked and rushed, she looked over to the man he was referring to but only saw a dark silhouette. Which made her head lean to the side trying to comprehend whether this was a dream or not, if she was dead or alive. “Am I dead?” Her voice croaked out probably being the first time she had spoken in hours.
    “No no darling not on my watch. Stay awake for me ok help is on the way” two more figures appeared next to the soft spoken man in front of her and peered close to her face. She moved away from the sudden movements the shadows had created, slightly freaking her out. “Get back you idiots you’re scaring her” the soft spoken man shooed the shadows away and they quickly mumbled “sorry”. 10 minutes later the alley way was flashing with reds and blue hues. The sound of the sirens made her hands shoot up to her ears and shake her head in an attempt to silent the sound. Soft hands stroked her arm, calming her down knowing well enough she wasn’t okay. The group of men weren’t naive; they knew she was on some sort of drug but didn’t know which one. Suddenly her mouth felt dry. Opening and closing her mouth in an attempt to produce saliva but to her luck it didn’t work. “Jacob hand me my water” the man spoke once more and he gave her what she needed. Gulping it down to the last drop. Vitals were checked and her reactions were late and her pupils dilated. “She needs to come with us, since you found her we’d like for you to come with us.” the paramedic asked the boy. Once he got up her hand flew to his wrist and held on causing him to kneel back down. “No darling i'm not leaving im coming with you come on” he helped her up and laid her on the stretcher. By this time she was coming back down to earth.
    That was nearly five years ago, she soon learned that the angel who saved her was named Joshua and the other two that scared her were Jacob and Samuel. As for the one that called the ambulance was Daniel.  They all found out she took a little too much snow but not enough to where she’d overdose but lord was she near it. She never changed his name after that encounter, the name angel stuck and hers soon became darling. “Good morning darling” He came into their shared room bright and early, the sun hitting the painfully white walls and white duvet cover but gosh did that man still look like he was heaven sent. His eyes never changed each time he saw her, no longer filled with worry like the first year, now his beautiful brown eyes were filled with nothing but love and admiration. “Good morning my angel. What has you up this early” she turned to her clock “it's 7:30 are you okay?” She cocked her head to one side and saw him smile. “Nothing’s a matter my darling but today is your special day. You’re five years clean my dear” his smile was so contagious. He never failed to smile big showing his teeth knowing that was her favorite kind of smile. She always thought he really was an angel. His features were perfect, his teeth so straight sometimes made her selfsouncouse about her own. His arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her into a hug, making her giggle as his curly hair tickled her nose and his goatee tickled her neck. “Comone my darling mama is making brunch for us” his doe eyes made her heart swell.
    She loved her boyfriend's family and they loved her even though she had almost relapsed twice in the past five years. She loved how caring and patient they were with her and how they never held her drug use against her. They made her feel human. Josh’s family never saw her family or even knew about her background. They figured whatever it was, it was too painful for her to talk about. Each time November would roll around they knew to be extra careful with her, for she’d get sentimental and depressed, they figured that's when her parents were born or something of sorts. “Ahh hello love happy big 5” his mother beamed with happiness “Hello dear” his father wrapped her in his arms. “Thank you it's been hard but your angel here helps a lot” she looked over and gave Josh’s face a light squeeze. His mother looked lovingly at the young couple and remembered what it was like to be young and in love. “Ahh there she is the beauty of the hour every hour!” Sam yelled from the end of the hall and sprinted towards her making her chuckle “hi sammy” she beamed and ruffled his hair. Jake on the other hand laughed at his younger brother's antics and gave her a simple hug. “You look beautiful this morning Violet” simply said as his twin came and took her from Jakes arms “careful now brother, she’s mine” and jokingly narrowed his eyes at jake “okay enough horsin around some sit” Mama K spoke and lead everyone to the dining room “for brunch eggs benedict and for Sammy a smoothie bowl” sammy clapped and smiled gratefully “thank you mommy” being the younger and only Vegetarian of the family he was spoiled with Momma K but all her kids were including Violet. “So, do you have any plans for today?” Pappa K spoke while sipping his coffee.
    “Well I need to go to my AA meeting around 5 and Josh is taking me out to dinner after then more than likely sleep till my belly bloats” an expression the rest of his family didn’t understand. Her grandmother used to say “dormiste hasta que se te hincho el ombligo” a common saying she'd hear to tease her about how much she slept. None the less the family still chuckled at the expression. “Oh josh before I forget to tell you we’re meeting tomorrow with management, something about tour details” she felt Josh tense up. He had forgotten to tell her about the tour in a few months, he had gotten so used to being home and not worrying about touring during the pandemic it must have slipped his mind. “You guys are going back on tour?” her voice was soft and her fingers twitched. The thought of violet being alone really scared everyone including herself. She knew she was incapable of being alone for months. She was incapable of functioning like a normal human. Even before the drugs she couldn’t function alone. She’d sleep when she was hungry or she’d just sleep all day. She wouldn’t eat or shower she’d simply stay in bed. Occasionally getting up to use the bathroom and feed her cat but she'd go straight to bed after. Two light taps on her thigh caught her attention and her hand grabbed a napkin and wiped her nose. That was the thing about cocaine that not many spoke about. The constant runny nose and snot that just shoots out of your nose. It's gross. They had developed a system where he’d tap her leg to warn her about her leaky nose, one year he had cleaned her nose in front of his family without even asking. Needless to say she was more than embarrassed.
“Im sorry darling I forgot to tell you we are going back on tour in a few months” Her big blue eyes became a lighter shade of blue. “Violet, if you'd like you can stay with us. Ronnie is coming into town so you can bunk with her.” Moma K offered, making Violet shake her hands “no no it's okay I wouldn’t want to bring bug and lilith into the house” she smiled shyly making everyone look at her oddly. “I got her a snake for her birthday. It's a Hognose snake, real brat.” Josh joked in an attempt to lighten up the mood. After brunch Mama demanded to see pictures of the snake and gawked at how cute she was, everyone laughed at Lilith playing dead when Josh tried picking her up and the way her tongue stuck out to make the whole thing convincing. Violet showed them the surveillance video of Josh freaking out the first time Lilith played dead.
“Oh my God! Violet, she's dead! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to baby I don’t know what I did I just grabbed her” at that point josh was sobbing in the video both of his palms were open and cradling the snake has he ran into the living room “hey josh calm down angel it’s okay it’s okay. You did nothing wrong” Violet caressed his face and whipped his tears and grabbed a napkin to cleans his runny nose. “Why are you smiling? She's dead!” This time he cries louder as he throws his head back and wails with an open mouth making her burst out laughing “baby calm down look” she says between fits of laughter and she picks up the snake and she flips over no longer showing her belly. Josh looks very confused and starts cursing up a storm. “It wasn’t funny I really thought she was dead” Josh threw his arms up and he wrapped his arms around her and hid his face in the crook of her neck.
    Violet walked up the steps of her AA meeting, always hating it, she hated the looks her sponsors would give her. So full of pity and most of the people here were not even sober for more that 6 months (excluding the sponsors) and the ones that did relapse pretended they didn’t. She hated how the meeting room smelled like the hospital even though they were in an old school gym. Hated how dark the room was and how her voice echoed the brick walls. Almost mocking her for being an addict. She always felt like she was being judged by her own voice, always shooting back with more venom and malice intent, it made her want to pull her hair out. Luckily it all came to an end once the clock hit 7. She walked through the empty corridor. Not even bothering to say a proper goodbye to everyone in the meeting, her thin flats making a sound each time her feet made contact with the tile, her ragged breathing through her flared nostrils and wide eyes. A poor attempt to make her way through the dark school, sometimes she felt like she still looked like an addict to others. The way she would hug her cardigan and twitch her nose, or the unmistakable bump she would make with her tongue when it was over her teeth. She hated how people looked at her gums when she smiled and her crooked teeth. Of course Josh being utterly in love with the girl he had told her that her teeth were something he loved, like she had loved his teeth. Of course she had loved his teeth because of how white and straight they were, to her they resembled purity and innocence, while her teeth were an off white and her sharp canines were growing from on top instead of like normal teeth, her two front teeth were ever so slightly pushed away from each other creating a small gap much like josh’s and one was slightly pushed forward. Her head twitches were visible when she was nervous. And today she was nervous, the entire car ride to the place Josh wouldn’t say, her head jerked slightly to the right while her nose twitched. On occasion she wouldn’t mind the other pet name Josh gave her but tonight she needed coke more than ever.
“Bunny my dear we are here come on” loud sniffles came from her as she looked at her favorite place, it made her mouth water. “I know you’ve been craving it”  the smell of Korean noodles and bbq filled her nose, making her forget about her craving just moments before. “I love you deeply Josh” she grabbed his face and gave him a quick chaste kiss.
Weeks had passed and Josh had become more and more occupied, leaving early in the morning and coming at odd hours in the night. Always eating dinner alone and waking up to Josh prying his pillow out of her arms so he can get into bed. During those weeks he couldn’t focus, he noticed her eyes becoming more and more droopy and her figure becoming noticeably thin. He didn’t want to bring it up and upset her so he always made sure to check the cameras in the living room to see if she was eating. Although she was eating it was just never enough. Her wrists became raw, bright red irritated finger marks indicating she had been fidgeting with her wrists in order to fight relapse. Her hair was unkempt and she began to live in the cardigan that she had sprayed with Josh's collonge. She knew Josh didn’t fully trust her, sometimes he would forget that he would press the mic button on his phone and sometimes she could make out the small murmurs he would say to the boys “I’m just scared guys, live gotten so used to being with her 24/7 for an entire year keeping her grounded to earth you know, I hope she’s more than capable of staying grounded for 6 months”  the small amount of hope he had for her made her want to cry. She knew how hard the 6 months were going to be. And she was dreading it.
The first month came and she had kept the cameras in the living room on, making sure to spend most of her time there or in the kitchen. Knowing well enough that if Josh wasn’t performing he was looking at those cameras to make sure she was okay, every once in a while he would say sweet nothings into the mic when she’d fall asleep on the couch, then call her to make sure that all of her stuff was off and help her get ready for bed. Mama K came around every other week to make sure she was okay along with Josh’s sister. She’d get her hair braided by Mama k and Ronnie and occasional spa days, which she was very grateful for, considering there hasn’t been much care going on.
The second month was harder Karen having to work as well as Ronnie and Joshing becoming significantly more busy. Violet got a job so she can buy the cat, snake, and herself a few things as well as wants. Not wanting to spend any of the money Josh had left behind for her to use while he was away. Although he told her too and sometimes would send her things he’d buy online that would remind him of her, everything just went into the spare room. She took up writing and photography in poor attempts to ease her mind. Getting into music with lyrics of aggression so she’d feel seen and not insane. Making sure the cameras were off when she would scream the lyrics at the top of her lungs until she was dizzy. Of course when she’d go visit his family, updates and sneaked pictures were sent to Josh by his mother or sister. “Darling, why is your voice so hoarse?”  Kelly's eyes filled with worry “oh i was singing on the way over and over did it. Sex on Fire always does that to me” a shy chuckle leaves her lips as his father lets out a belly laugh. “Look son who's here” Karen walks out with her phone in hand and gives Violet the phone. “Hello my darling” Josh’s voice beams through the speakers. “Hi my sunshine” nothing but admiration filled their eyes. Josh narrows his eyes and says “you need to stop singing Sex on Fire with such passion and volume you’re going to mess up your throat” he knew her better than he knew anyone else. It wasn’t the first time that she has sung her throat raw. Every time she’d be in the truck with him she’d sneak the song in and yell at the top of her lungs while the windows were down and Josh sped through the highway.  He thought that she always looked like she was in her element in the moment. Her hair flowing and the sun hitting her so perfectly. Man was he in love with that woman. Although everyone was having wine or a beer, Karen gave her a tea with honey and lemon to help.
The third month really got to her, buying weed and cigarettes, although Josh had both in his dresser she didn’t want him to know that  something to take the edge off. She really needed it. The cameras never came back on, her animals had been fed but she hadn’t. Turning down invitations saying she had to work or was really tired from her shift. They understood of course but still were worried. Josh didn't bring up the fact that he didn’t like that the living room cameras were off but he wanted to show her that he trusted her and didn’t want her to feel like she was always being watched. More aggressive music was being played and her writing had become odd, and somewhat disturbing. One thing that Josh loved more than Violet, fire, film, weed, and music, was alcohol. And that they had plenty of. None of it was ever locked up because she only drank once in a blue moon. Everything had been getting worse, she no longer went to those damned AA meetings, she didn't eat anymore and she only showered because she had to work but her hair was always kept in a bun.
The fourth month she really broke. The band was overseas for a festival. Finally giving up on work and getting fired. Luckily she had money saved up with that she finally gave in. She walked with a black hoodie over her and made sure the hood covered her face, black sweatpants and simple black converse.  The air carries the smell of rain and the clouds watched her as she turned the corner. Thunder roared through the sky as if they were warning her to go back home or go stay with the brothers family, knowing that would be better. She had walked this way millions of times when she was a teen and 5 years ago. She may have not been there in a while but it was all muscle memory. “Well look who finally came back” a man beamed at the sight of her and embraced her into a stench filled hug making her scrunch her nose up in disgust. “I just came for snow James” she pushed him a twenty and a 40oz of beer. “Aww how cute doll you remembered our little exchange” he grabbed her face as he forced her to look at him. “ How is life with that pretty little rockstar huh? I heard he doesn’t do any hard drugs so I’m guessing this is all for you. I knew you’d be back doll. You could never get enough of me now could you” a smug look filled the dealer's face. “Just give me the snow James” she hated begging but knew he'd only give it to her if she did beg. So he let her run off with the drug burying a hole into her hand and her mouth water. She’d feel that high again. The rain poured down hard almost like the world was mad at her for giving in, but she didn’t care she was high in the comfort of her own home. But before she did she had a few things she needed to do.
The phone rang twice before his mothers voice was beaming through her speakers. “Violet my dear how have you been? It has been a while, is everything okay?” She felt guilty but knew she had to do it. “Hello mama K I have something to ask of you” with the phone on speaker, afraid she might drop the phone from nerves. Karen's voice showed no signs of nervousness “of course darling what can i help with?” guilt settled in “i was hoping to surprise Josh when he comes home. I want to turn the spare room into a small meditation room for him to unwind. I don’t want all the paint fumes to make my babies sick so I was wondering if you could take care of them for me until the boys return” his mother didn’t even think twice, of course she would help. She drove to her lover's childhood home and dropped off her pets, leaving strict instructions on how to care for the snake and her beloved ragdoll. And with that she made her way back home. Setting everything on the coffee table, her razor laying on the cool glass and she tore the bag open.
With shaky breaths she reached for the blade with one hand and held the rolled up dollar bill in the other. She felt new to all of this but she was far from it. Cutting the powder as finely as she could and forming it into neat little lines. She only did two even though she had enough for six. She knew if she did more than two she’d OD, something she didn’t want. She couldn’t imagine Josh’s reaction if he had found her rotting on the floor, god forbid Karen or Kelly found her. So she stuck with two. “Oh how I’ve missed you” her body leaned back onto the couch as her eyes lazily rolled back and her mouth hung open. Her entire body felt heavy and hot. Something she loved when she was too high to go back inside, but right now she could do nothing about it. If someone walked in right in that moment, they’d mistake her for a corpse. Her body had gone limp and her breathing had grown shallow and slow.  A few minutes had passed before she got up and moved to the room, dragging her feet and throwing herself onto the bed. It smelled like him, he had gotten used to Violet using coconut scented things but for some reason they always smelled better on Josh. She hugged his pillow and cried, cries because she missed his sweet laugh, how she felt when he’d hold her, but mostly she cried because she relapsed and she betrayed his trust and his family's trust. Weeks passed and the food in the fridge had gone bad, her clothes no longer smelled clean and neither did she. Josh called when he could and it would always be the same.
“Hello my darling angel, how are you feeling?” His voice brought a smile to her face but she always gave the same answer. “I miss you sunshine” and she’d cry after the call, then snorted up and licked the bag each time it was opened and dumped out. Nothing had been done to the spare room since the animals left and it was never going to be touched. She felt guilty each time she got high, her hair became greasy, she no longer smelled like coconut and jasmine mixed with sandalwood.
The last month came around, she was too high to even realize it. She had promised only two months of cocaine then she’d go cold turkey. Thinking she was strong enough to do it, that's the thing with drugs. You think you’re done with them or they make you think you’re strong enough to do something sober you wouldn’t do. She did try to fix the studio but the paint and the drugs didn't mix, she nearly fainted. With not even half of the wall painted a beautiful sky blue and everything else an ugly beige color. Blue paint was splattered on the floor and on his desk. His favorite desk. She cried for ruining it, she cried for getting the floor full of paint, and doing nothing but making a mess of herself and of the room.
Josh had come home earlier than he expected to. “Son, come get the pets please” his mother said through the phone, leaving him confused. “Are they there? Lilith and Lucy?” Josh was left confused along with his brothers. “Yes, Vi needed me to take care of them while she did this big project” . Without another word the boys went to their moms and picked up the pets and headed home. The boys had left everything at their moms so they helped Josh bring down everything. “Josh, do you feel that?” same looked at his older brother with wide eyes. “It’s too quiet Josh like erringly quiet” Jake ran out to the front door and unlocked it. “Josh I think it’s best if you stay here” Jake had whipped his head out of the door not being able to stand the smell that was coming out of the house. Without a second thought Josh runs into the house. Ignoring the smell of rotting and looked for his sunshine. He found her on the bed, eyes open and red. Her nose left a red puddle, her hair looked like it had been through the blender, dry blue dots littered her hands and face. “Wake up” he shook her and shook until he was crying. With ringing ears and his body hot in frustration. “Jacob call the ambulance” his voice cracked while he yelled. “Josh she relapsed” Sam came into their room, a hand over his nose and in the other two bags of cocaine. “I know Samuel, I know I can see it!” his eyes wide and red, yelling and crying. Soft whispers came from her and Josh leaned in to get a better understanding “I'm sorry, I'm sorry I was so incapable to stay sober” lazy tears came out of her eyes and she whipped dry blood from her nose. “Go away Josh I don’t want you to see me like this. Please” this time she was crying and speaking loudly. He didn’t care that she smelled like she rolled around in the dumpster. He sat her up and hugged her, she tried to push him away but he held on tighter. She yelled and kicked when Sam threw the dime bags into the toilet and discarded anything that could send you to prison and not rehab.
Once the ambulance got there the same routine that happened 5 years ago. In the hospital she laid there curled into a ball with damp hair pretending she was asleep. In reality she couldn’t sleep, Josh had helped her bathe but she could hear his sniffles in attempts to silence his cries. Karen cried and apologized, feeling like it was her fault for not checking up on her. Kelly blamed himself for not seeing it the moment that she dropped off her pets. What hurt her the most was, Josh was having the time of his life on tour while he thought that Violet was sober and healthy and not coked up. She broke his trust and she was sure that he was going to leave her and she’d be alone, again. She had no one. “I know what you’re thinking. I love you and it won’t change. Relapse is a part of recovery my dear” that made her sigh. She knew relapse wasn’t recovery, it was her being weak and not being able to stay alone for too long, now he was going to take her everywhere and never leave her alone. She cried “i got paint on the floor and your favorite desk im so sorry josh” he grabbed her face and looked at her, no anger in his eyes just pure love and sadness “i don’t care about the desk i care that you are sober and healthy, i don’t want to find you like that anymore”
She spent two months in rehab, her mannerisms were worse. She chirped in a nervous tic, and her nose rubs became more aggressive to the point where her nose popped. Once she was out of rehab her cat would not leave her sight and Josh had cleaned his desk and the floor which they no longer had paint splatters on them. “When you’re ready you can finish off the spare bedroom” she was just happy to be home and recovering every day. Josh still didn't want her to be alone just yet, so every studio session was spent with him or with his family. She hated the nose leaks and how much it had cost to fix her teeth because she was afraid of them falling out. Luckily she was out of the spotlight so Josh and the band never had a bad reputation. She still wants to relapse but tries her hardest to keep everything at bay. Fortunately for her, her dealer was caught a month after she came out of rehab, he kept his mouth shut about who his clients were.
Don’t do coke kids