Mirific Flower Petals

73

"Have I told you about the dinner he made me, bobs? Oh, God, sobrang cute niya. Ibibigay niya kasi sa'kin 'yung bouquet—if you don't know him, he can be mahiyain kasi at times—kaya tinatago niya 'yung face niya behind the flowers and he had that cute, shy smile on him."

As the nearing evening set the tranquil mood right for her and Marceau, Fleur proceeded to narrate everything that transpired at her and Delonix's small garden date. She didn't spare any detail, even the uneventful ones—she wanted to bring Marceau in at that moment for him to envision what that night felt like for her.

"Hindi naman din siya chef na like super galing na talaga pero he's a decent one. I didn't expect him to cook for us though, ayun lang! Tsaka I thought kasi na gourmet foods would tire him too much pero hindi naman daw sabi niya. Kung natikman mo rin 'yun, sinasabi ko na sa'yo na your jaw will literally drop."

For the past minutes, she had been the only one talking, not that it was a problem for the both of them. Although Fleur was able to take notice of Marceau's silence whilst listening to her go on and on, she wasn't able to grasp his current turmoil of emotions then.

"Anyway, kanina pa ako nagkukwento dito! It's your turn naman. Remember the person we talked about? 'Yung crush mo? Ano na nangyari sa kanya? Wala ka nang update. Hindi mo pa nga nasasabi sa'kin kung sino 'yun e!"

"Ikaw 'yun."

"W-What? Bobs, where's this coming from?" She slapped his upper arm. "Ikaw talaga 'yung mas random sa'ting dalawa e. So, sino nga talaga?"

"I'm serious."

She gaped, "You're for real?"

"Dead serious."

"Oh..."

The events completely took an unprecedented turn. She didn't know where Marceau was coming from. Why was he suddenly blurting out words like these? They were at a different topic just a little while ago. Word- and coherence-deprived, Fleur crossed her arms on her chest, suppressing the nervous upswing pulsating around her.

"Wala naman akong balak noon na sabihin 'to sa'yo pero nadala ako e." He raked his fingers through his hair. "I'm not trying to take it against you but there are times that I can't distinguish our friendship from my feelings anymore. I don't wanna punish you but I also don't wanna be dishonest with you. Feel ko talagang humadlang 'yun sa pakikitungo ko sa'yo. Hindi na tama 'yun kaya tama lang na magpakatotoo na ako sa'yo ngayon."

She sensed the shakiness underlying his tone. "You don't have to do this. Napilit lang yata kita dahil sa kakulitan ko."

With a disconcerted snicker, Marceau shook his head. "I have to—I want to. A part of me kept on wanting to let you know, Fleur. Laging may kumakatok sa isip ko na gawin na kasi maling mali na para sa'kin na itago. It used to be harmless, a damned crush, but this built a wall between us. There are areas I can't cross anymore and I slowly have been avoiding; I don't think you noticed that."

Debating whether she was just numb or occupied with other things to notice this wall Marceau talked about, she held her palm on her forehead. She internalized, hindi pa ako ganoon ka-manhid. Bakit ngayon lang pumasok sa'kin 'yun?

Marceau had been building walls right before her eyes and she restrained herself from pulling the strands of her hair for only noticing it now. In fact, he wasn't quite subtle about it. Harap-harapan namang nagsasabi si Marceau na hindi na muna siya sasama sa kanya, hindi na rin siya ganoon kadalas inaaya ni Marceau maghapunan sa kung saan.

The things that were normal for the both of them changed without her knowledge; she inculpated herself for not catching it early enough to put a stop to it. Malay niya kung paano pero basta magawan niya ng kahit anong paraan para hindi na sana humantong pa rito.

That was the least of her concerns as a woman of multifarious emotions. Kanina pa siya hindi napapakali sa kinatatayuan niya kahit na naglalakad naman sila. Perhaps everything—the unexpected confession, the tormenting confusion, the unnoticeable alterations—overwhelmed her to the point she just wanted to hunker down as close to the ground as possible to keep herself level-headed.

"Oh, wow, uh," she scratched a part of her throat, "are you done na ba? I didn't mean to cut you off. Pwede kang tumuloy if you still have anything to say."

"Yeah, yeah, tapos na. I'm sorry, This isn't all about me. You should let me know your thoughts din."

She nodded his apology away. "I'm not exactly sure on what I should feel. This was totally unexpected for me. Nabigla siguro ako? Nagtataka? Pero hindi naman ako naguguluhan."

"You're so sure of Delonix, Fleur. Hindi ka talaga maguguluhan."

"Bakit... Bakit ngayon mo 'to sinasabi sa'kin?"

"What?"

"Of all the years we've spent together, why did you decide to tell me this only now? I was available for years! I wasn't single by choice; I was open to try all sorts of relationships."

"I guess it took me this long to finally tell you about how I really feel because I'm one hell of a coward." He taunted, "Takot? Bakit ako natatakot? Tangina, Fleur, ikaw 'yan e. Kailan ba ako dapat may ikatakot at ikabahala pagdating sa'yo? Ikaw nga lang 'yung nananatili at nagpapanatili sa'kin."

"If you were a year earlier, then things would've been different." Their gazes locked but it held two contrasting emotions—pity in Fleur's, regret in Marceau's. "Really different, bobs. I wasn't closing my doors to anyone even before Delonix, you know that."

"I don't know." A bitter laugh of disappointment escaped his lips. "I assumed you wouldn't meet someone as deserving as Delonix this soon."

"Yeah," a sigh left her quivering lips, "me neither."

"I'm happy you met him though."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, uh, it took a while to accept that but seeing you happy with him is all that matters to me. I don't know if you noticed, you complement each other."

It meant a lot to hear that coming from Marceau, especially during that moment.

"Thank you."

How does one exactly move forward from here? What direction should she take with regards to their friendship? Definitely, she doesn't want to place Marceau in any position he would feel forced to be into. Hindi nga niya alam kung paano harapin 'yung pinoproblema niya ngayon, paano pa kaya 'yung kinabukasan niyang walang kasiguraduhan?

For the first time in her life, Fleur ran out of words to say. The awkwardness clinging on the air was too much for her to handle then. Fleur's house stood a few blocks away; the few feet left for her to stride home suddenly eased a part of the weight away. It could bring her a short moment of peace alone with her tangled thoughts to contemplate about what just happened.

Trying to escape the current situation, she hesitated, "U-Uh, siguro it's fine if hindi mo na ako ihatid doon."

"I understand. You're gonna be okay?"

"I should be the one asking you that," she hissed. "Look, I know that confession was harder for you than it was for me so let me ask you that instead."

He soothed her, "You don't have to worry about me."

Dummy, she thought, how can I not worry about you? 

Instead of replying once more, she nodded and continued on walking. The end of their conversation addled her; their usual talks never ended like that or anything near that. It didn't sit right with Fleur to sever the conversation just like that.

"Before I leave," she turned to face him once again, "I'm not mad at you or anything. I just didn't know how I should take it. Kahit hanggang ngayon. I don't want you to think that I am mad because I'm not... and I can't be when it's you."