magnets

chapter eleven

The worst thing about making decisions is worrying about making the wrong one. Time seemed to go by slowly as Shawn was in my presence. I didn't love him like he wanted me to, and I felt that burning sensation in my throat.

"Why did you really come here?" I asked him finally.

"Why does it matter?" he replied with a chuckle at the end.

"It matters because I'm going to go crazy thinking about you. You are honestly so.. I can't even describe it." I said, now at a close proximity to him.

"Egoistic, obnoxious, clingy? How would you like to described me? Choose your words very carefully." He said with his large hand pressed against the back of my neck. I looked at his eyes and felt guilty. I always felt guilty when I was with him.

"You're not mine." I whispered finally and pushed his hand away. I could see he was getting upset, the way he turned to look away from me.

"I think you should go." His lips pursed and he shoved his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. I went downstairs with him and led him out the door. The only thing illuminating the night sky were the street lights, and he walked to his car that was parked along the road. The sound of the car turning on and driving away replaced the silence, and I felt myself alone outside.

I wasn't upset that he left, but should I have felt happy that he was gone? I didn't even think of going to see Jack after this because if he knew, something would end up broken or severely damaged. I was basically alone. One thing that many people do not understand is that there is a difference between loneliness and emptiness. When I'm around Jack and Vanessa, I'm so happy and never want the day to end. Once I'm alone, I was my only company and there's always that thought in the back of your mind that they don't miss you. After I left to college, this feeling wouldn't go away, and at this point, I was way too in denial to even process this. I couldn't deal with anymore of this feeling; I didn't want to have to deal with having to let go.

I went inside the house and saw Matt, sleeping on the couch, which was surrounded by empty beer bottles. I silently cleaned the mess up and grabbed a blanket from the closet near the stairs, softly draping Matt in it. He looked so much like our dad that it honestly scared me, but he had my mother's heart. She would give up anything to help others, even if it meant leaving your kids. He gave up so many things just to be here with me, and for that, I'd always be thankful.

I tearfully went to up to my room and began writing one of the most painful things I've had to encounter. At least after this, I wouldn't have to feel lonely.

(Gilinsky's POV)

"Dearest Jack,

I'm writing this because I would not be able to look at myself if I had to tell you in person. I've tried to play out how this would go in my head, but this seems to be less painful. I can't be with you anymore and I hate myself for it. I can't deal with the fact that I won't be able to see you and I want to believe that you will still care about me, but I can't. While I'm gone, I don't want you to carry this burden about caring for me, even though you might not even care anymore. Thank you for loving me even though I wasn't the girl your friends wanted you to be with. Thank you for kissing me as if we wouldn't see each other the next day. Thank you for loving me.

Sincerely,

Sophia "