Beauty and Blood

2. The Attack

Ending of last chapter:

It was 11:00 when it happened. When my life was turned upside down.

Starting of new chapter:

My best friend Milly said, truely I must say, "You're breathing really loud." I'm pretty sure she had said it on previous occasions, but this time, for no reason, (well no reason I knew of yet) it hit hard.

I started focusing on my breathing, it was completely normal, I was going to bed. Then I started getting worried about my breathing, and I didn't know why.

This would be what you would call a first anxiety attack, (for anyone suffering from anxiety and has recently had their first attack, trust me, that's the worst point of your anxiety , the first attack is always the worst because you have no idea what's happening) and I was CLUELESS.

I was breathing really heavily. Phoo, phoo, phoo phoo and so on. Then; my heartbeat, boo-boom, boo-boom, boo-boom, boo-boom. Faster and faster. Scarier and scarier. I got out of bed, worries filling up my head, I had no room to think about what was happening, never mind what was going to happen in the future with this problem.

As it is when you have a sleepover, the mum's awake, and mine was. I walked slowly out of the room, to see my mum, I told her I had no idea what was happening, but that I felt really stressed and anxious and that my heart was beating really fast. She put her hand on my heart, yet I felt no stress released by this gesture, as I said, I had no idea what was going on. She said "you're having an anxiety attack" and I thought 'I've heard of a panic attack where people breath really fast and their heart starts beating, maybe this is another name for it.' I was sincerely wrong.

The similarities between the two attacks, is usually the motive for the thought that they are the same thing. No one ever looks at the differences. A panic attack is one second your fine, the next you can be out of breath and they can occur without warning. They last for a certain amount of time (somewhere between 5-25 minutes) and do eventually stop. It's a short burst of panic. Anxiety attacks can come on over a gradual amount of time. They can take all day to stop but if this is the case the level of intensity will usually be lower. You may feel sick for a while. In the same way that if they are quick they will usually be worse. In an anxiety attack you may have no symptoms apart from the feeling we call 'worry'. 

My first attack was short, and while most of my other attacks have been a light feeling of sick, I felt  VERY nauseous like I was actually going to vomit.

Legs, shaking. Breath, deep, heart, accelerating, brain, jumbled. These were all the symptoms of my first anxiety attack that - I'm pleased to say - was the worst one. And above all this, I had a friend round and was having a sleepover.

For weeks I blamed (well, I say blamed, I brought it up a few times, I wasn't angry or anything) Milly for what she had said, to have triggered my anxiety. To this day I am unsure on whether it would've been triggered some other way, or whether she was the fault of it all.

My mum reckoned it would've been triggered another way. I had previously been noticing my breathing when on computers. It sounds like a really weird thing because I had no cause to be anxious but this just made it even scarier. If you know what's causing it, you can try and cease the attacks, but when you don't know, it's horrifying.

In the morning, we had pancakes and I had a mini anxiety attack. Me and Milly filmed zoomerangs but it just made it worse. Screens were very hard to deal with. Watching films was no longer an option because I wasn't doing anything and I noticed my breathing. Going on the computer was hard, but if I was playing a game it was better.

As I said, it completely turned my life upside down.

So...yeah, this is the story of my first anxiety attack and it was hell. It gets better though. To anybody suffering from anxiety, I'm here for you, and you should find a good friend to confide in (preferrably one with anxiety/depression) but if you can't, my inbox is always open so feel free to drop a message :)

~mAtErIaL gWoRrL