Gleeful little me is eating ice cream with my siblings who I'll call Shiloh and Leana. They're younger than me, and I am going through my pubescent phase. The part where you put on weight and your appetite grows as your hips and breasts seem to swell and push you in a myriad of uncomfortable directions. Little me doesn't know that exists. I believe I am pudgy (I am slightly, but only in a healthy way that all girls my age experience at some point), I am insecure about the things that have changed. Getting my period, wearing bras, shaving. The other kids in my conservative private schools don't display any of these things, and so they make me believe I am inferior. Something is the matter with me.
We go on vacation. Little me, Leana, Shiloh, and our parents. Our father who is aloof and immerses himself in the news and his work constantly and our mother who is loving and caring but a bit more involved in herself and her looks. We stop at an ice cream store. It's an authentic little parlor that the hop-on-hop-off bus was advertising. A sign at the front boasts about its longevity and its delicious ice cream. Little me is salivating, despite her thoughts about her weight. She chooses creamy cake batter ice cream. She consumes it alongside her siblings and parents. Then my mom herds us together for a picture. I ask to see the picture. My legs seem to be the chubbiest. I tunnel-visioned on my thighs. This was the first time I'd ever had the desire to be thin. That night, I lock myself in the hotel bathroom while my parents were getting new room keys, as ours aren't functioning properly. I do 100 high-knees and one hundred jumping jacks. I convince myself I looked a bit slimmer already, but that is an illusion of my mind.
That same day at dinner, I order ravioli. They give me 6, but I vow to myself only to finish 3. I cannot resist myself. The hunger is overpowering. I finish the remaining three. A cold, dank feeling grips me. My very first encounter with eating guilt. I will do better the next day, I pledge.
YOU ARE READING
MY EATING DISORDER STORY
Non-FictionTW: ED ~ This publication contains firsthand recollections of eating disorders and disordered eating. If this is in any way harmful or upsetting to you, I strongly advise you do not read it.
