Oath Breaker

March 3-4, 2022.

I had been nervous or anxious before. I can't count to you how many times I'd get to school and realize I had a test or exam that I was not prepared for. A lot of biting my nails, picking at my skin, and trying to keep my hands steady. Feeling overwhelmed by your own heartbeat, listening to it pump and pump. Feeling fear is the quickest way to realize you're alive. When I left home, I debated with myself just back and forth on if it was the right decision. On some days, I felt so cowardly for not trying some other method or speaking out about my family situation. On others, after I was in the crowded shelter, I commended myself for all the bravery it took. My family always held over my head that I had food and a house, how ungrateful I am to not consider those luxuries. Then, there I was not really knowing how I was going to eat or how I was going to stay out of the rainy weather here but I had never felt happier. 

Looking at it all now, it is sort of funny that I went through all of that just to end up here under the assumption to be back with a family. I wanted hope and she just gave me all the answers I wanted. She gave me the comfort and care I had never experienced. When you're a girl, you're always taught to be careful around men and that they can easily manipulate you or harm you. On the streets before I found the shelter, I was terrified every night, thinking about the big bad wolf that was ready to exploit my ill fortune. I thought of drunk men with dirty and ripped clothes or men stopping their vehicles beside me and pushing me inside against my will. I had to think about all of these possibilities to protect myself as best as I could on my own. When Joanne found me, she looked at me not as another woman but as meat to feed someone. It was smart thinking on The Oath's behalf to lure me in with a mother figure. If I managed to ever get out of here, I wouldn't trust anyone ever again. 

Thinking of the sun rising bit by bit, I knew this was another massive test I did not study for. There was no way that I would fill this entire book up by the time I had the meeting. So what was his plan? What was his angle? All of the Keepers, except Ryan and Willa, circled around me and tried to calm me down as I panicked and couldn't catch my breath. I felt so trapped and useless, I was practically preparing for my death and they told me to try and get some rest. I went to Willa and tapped her arm. When she opened her eyes, I flinched because she was so unpredictable and what I was attempting was probably for nothing. If she has been here for a long time, surely she has some sort of actual advice to give me.

I whispered, "Willa, I don't know how long you have been here but I feel like you know more than all of us. I feel like I'm walking death row, can you try to just talk with me? Or maybe, I can give you paper to write on? Can you do that for me?"

She stared at me with this awful blank expression that gave my body chills. Her lips were quivering and her body shaking as she nodded her head. She pointed a trembling finger in the direction of her journal. I grabbed for it and when I opened it, there was a lot of scribbling and writing that was hard to read. It felt as though a child had wrote it. A pen was used as a bookmark inside so I reach both items to her and gave my most reassuring but terrified smile. I watched her write and occasionally groan out her muffled words that were unclear to me. The note took me a while to read, I even rewrote it in my own writing so I could look back. I stayed there at her bunk, working at it like it's a puzzle. 

"His name is Vince and she is Shae. I'm Vince's real mother. I raised him the best that I could, you must understand. He is unforgiving and cruel, he laughs at misfortunate and plays mind games. I don't want to scare you, child. He is not who you will be meeting with. You will see Shae again and she is going to give you hell on earth for disobedience. The only way to escape the beating is asking her where her little boy is and where her husband is. Her mind is heavy and she bleeds the same as us. I have known her since she was young, she soured over time. Keep the conversation on her, do not show emotion. You will leave with only a mental wound which is more than what I can say about myself. I learned it all from trial and error."