Reminising

Part 1

I just wanted to do some thing quick and fun, so here it is. Thought its not a very fun topic to write about, maybe the next one will be more fluff, enjoy.

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Remus Lupin is a thirty three year old man living by himself. At first glance, there is nothing remarkable about him, he spends most of his time in his odd little cottage, which looks like it should be falling apart, but magically is not.

He does some odd jobs here and there, never sticking to one thing for more than a couple of months, earning just enough to keep himself fed and warm. His clothes are shabby but tidy, old but well cared for. Remus is the sort of man that no one pays attention to, they know that he exists but don't pay any attention to him.

Remus himself does not mind his lack of social life, the only people he even wants to talk to are all dear or. Or. He does not want to think about the or, he spends most of his day trying to keep himself busy so that he doesn't have to think about the or.

But he is after all human, and there is only so much time he can avoid thinking about something until he's actually thinking about it. He feels guilty for having these thoughts about the man who ruined his life, the man who is responsible for Lily and James's death. But on nights like these, with nothing for company but his bottle of Firewhiskey, he can't seem to care. Lily and James are dead, and he is here, living but not alive.

It usually starts with a happy memory, a prank, a joke, or a warm evening out in the sun. it quickly changes and then he reminisces, he takes out his old photo albums and looks at pages after pages of himself and the people who mattered the most to him in his life. All of them smiling and waving at the camera, getting up to mischief, Hogwarts: the golden period of his life.

And then slowly, the pages change, lily is in them more, and hurts Remus to look at her, all smiling in love with James. And then there is Peter, sweet innocent loyal peter.

He feels guilty looking at pictures of Sirius, guilty that he doesn't hate the boy smiling at him. Instead, he feels ashamed, ashamed of not having done more, of not being there for him. Ashamed for not realizing that Sirius was going to betray them, ashamed of still having feelings for him.

And then he wonders for the thousandth time, when. When did Sirius go to the dark side? Was it a split-second decision, something that no one could have predicted? Had he been planning it for months, years, maybe since his brother's death? Was it after they had graduated, out of Hogwarts, and having to face adult life and its consequences for the first time? Was it when they were still in Hogwarts was he really a death eater when he was complaining about his brother becoming one? Or was it before all that, from the moment eleven-year-old Sirius stepped into Hogwarts express?

But Remus couldn't think like this for a long time, he couldn't think about Sirius like that. His sweet Sirius, the boy who had accepted him when he said he was a werewolf. The boy who became an Animagus so Remus didn't feel alone on full moon nights, the boy who kissed him.

All those smiles, promises, and kisses, he couldn't for a moment think that they were fake because if he did, his whole life would be a lie and then he wouldn't have a reason to live. No, he didn't have a present he enjoyed or a future to look up to, he only had his past, his memories without them, he would be a nobody.

So then, Remus thought about good things, indulged himself, he thought of what would have happened if the war didn't happen, James would have become a professional quidditch player and Peter would probably be working some boring ministry job. Lily would be the smartest of them, maybe doing some research or something and Sirius would be a professor in Hogwarts like he had wanted to. And maybe, maybe Remus would have a stable job too, something that he enjoyed.

They would live in a house just like this, him and Sirius, but they'd be friends with all the neighbors, and Sirius would bake his famous pies for all the parties. He would have watched Harry grow up and James and Lily would have had more children.

At this point, Remus Lupin is piss drunk and has a smile plastered on his face, one of the only times he ever smiled nowadays. The embers in the fireplace are slowly dying and he's curled up on the couch, sleep just out of his reach.

And then there is a knock at the window, Remus jerks awake. He hears a hoot, an owl. He skeptically opens the window wondering who was writing to him.

He pulls the letter off the owl's leg and finds his old headmaster's handwriting on the front. He tears the letter open, his heartbeat quickening, and he reads--

Sirius Black had escaped from Azkaban.