I am a fourth-year college student and let me share these confusing feelings I have.
Let's start from the past.
I was a timid woman, well, I still am. A fresh first-year college student without friends in my new school. I know some people from my class because they are my classmates when I was in elementary. They are bubbly and easy to talk to.
Months passed and I have a classmate with who I thought I have feelings. Let's call him "J".
I remember when we had a vacant class and he and his friends were next to me, I heard his friend saying along with these lines, "crush mo siya 'no, tol?" while laughing. He answered along with these two, "Hindi tol, kadiri naman to." "Hindi tol, tumigil ka nga," I asked myself when I heard him answer that. "Am I unlikeable? Am I that ugly?", and while I'm asking myself those questions, I feel worst.
Years passed. He found a woman he wants to be with, and I am thankful because of that. I feel like I can forget him without him knowing that I like him and be happy with myself and my friends.
Let me continue my story at present time.
He is still my classmate, and we are not close enough to talk. I thought I don't have feelings for him anymore because three years had passed by, but one reaction from him made me nervous and happy at the same time. Am I crazy because I feel that way again with him? I don't even know anymore if he's still with his girlfriend. He just reacts with a heart on my picture and yet I feel that way. Most people react to my picture but only he made me feel happy and excited. Just WTF.
I want to hate these feelings. I want to tell myself that he won't like me back because I am not who he wants. I am not the woman who can give butterflies in his stomach.
To my future self, please forget about him. Forget about your feelings and continue loving yourself. Don't wait for him because I know and you will know that it is impossible. It is impossible to wait for a person who cannot see you as a woman. It is impossible to wait for him because he will wait for someone he wants to be with. So please, stop. Stop thinking about him. Stop feeling nervous when he is around. Stop yourself from falling deeper. I am sorry for thinking that I have no feelings for him anymore, so, stop because you have no chance from the very beginning.
Yours truly,
Ms. A
