In It After All

Cold and Alone

As we enter our home, the house seems cold, and dead. It's strange to think that just a little while ago, I thought the next time I returned home it would all be over. It's not. It's just getting started. It's 6:38pm now, and already I feel just as tired as Darcy. Placing her on the floor, she beckons to me to come closer to her. As I crouch down she whispers to me: "I know you're going on holiday mamma." She wraps her hands around my neck, and I clasp her.

"Yeah mummy's going for just a while baby girl, then I'm coming right back, just me and you. It's just for a while sweet pea I promise."

"Pinky swear," she demands, as she holds our her delicate finger.

I wrap my finger around her and pinky swear to her. I hope it's true. There's a ghostly feel in the house, it doesn't feel normal at all. After tucking Darcy in, and multiple stories, I sit down to a large glass of wine. I stick on the tele. Trying to act normal I flick through the channels, when 'Judge Judy' comes on. Quickly, I change to America's Next Top Model.

I don't want to go to Prison. I don't want to be so scared. I wish I'd never agreed to Michael, letting him dominate me. My sadness suddenly turns to anger, and I automatically threw the thing in my hand; the wine glass. It shattered on the carpet. Sighing, I pick up the pieces I can, and throw them away. After cleaning the rest up, I clamber upstairs to bed.

Trying to sleep is worse than moping around. Terrifying thoughts circle my head, extreme circumstances that I have to prepare for. To distract myself, I listen to Darcy's breathing on the monitor. I keep it on just to keep every moment with her. God, I'm not going to be able to bear not seeing her.

It's now 10:02pm. I feel as if the night is going on forever, as if it'll never end. But eventually, I fall into a restless slumber.

............................................................................................................................................

Startled, I wake with a jolt after awful nightmares. That's the thing about dreams. They're uncontrollable yet enchanting.

Checking my radio clock, I'm astounded to find it's only 4:44am; I feel as if I've over slept. I hear gentle murmurs down the monitor, and go to check on Darcy. She's sat up, dummy out, holding out her arms to me. I pick her up and carry her downstairs. Normally I wouldn't let her up so early, but I want every single minute with her.

"Pancakes, baby girl?" I ask her.

"Ooh yeah!" She beams at me.

I'm willing to give her anything while I'm with her.

I cook the pancakes, cover them in syrup and cut them into hearts, which is greatly appreciated.

After hours, when we're all dressed and cleaned, cuddled on the settee watching Dora the Explorer, the door bell goes. Oh. I'd completely forgotten about the officer coming. I climb over the chair and answer. I'm right, there's a quite young woman stood outside.

"Hi, I'm Officer Jane Bradley, I'm here with your papers. You were expecting me?" She hands me a think brown envelope.

"Yes. Yes of course come in."

The next few hours consisted of singing, reading, agreeing, crying. It gets more depressing as time goes on. Jane is supportive, despite me being a 'criminal'. When we're finally finished signing, she sits back and looks at me.

"You know, Miss, 6 months isn't that long you know. It coulda been worse I guess. I work at the prison you're going to, you could always see me if things get rough, yeah?" She smiles briefly and picks up the papers.

"I'll get going then." She stands up and I follow her to the door. She turns to me as she's about to leave.

"Good luck Miss."

Thanks. I'll need it.