A gay love story ''somewhat'' about turning the last 5 years of my life into hope for the depressed state of mind. Discovering love, loss, Pain and growing my testimony tears during a worldwide lock-down and pandemic.
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Part 1
Depressed state of mind
January 1st 2017, I was Scared, broken, hurt, terrified but most of all Lost! it had been a long hard year I had just graduated high school, lost my childhood home, Lost most of my family and now I had just wreaked my car trying to save my marriage, I know what you are thinking how could someone crash a car trying to save a marriage? Well...I was on my way to Church hoping God would help me save my marriage. It was night I was driving on back roads it started to rain then it started to became really foggy I couldn't really see the only thing I was thinking about was trying to save my relationship with the love of my life, so...I kept on driving for about another mile or two until I couldn't see anymore! the Fog had became to strong to turn around I didn't/couldn't see the stop sign that was right in front of me once i did I tried to stop! I stopped way to fast! The roads were to wet. I lost control of the wheel and my Car smash into a building. I remember seeing a bright light. The only thing I was thinking at the time was hoping the love of my life would Stay! the whole time I was trying to save a us when really I should have been trying to save myself!
Lets start at the beginning, lets start a couple of years ago when my love and my faith was stronger then ever. I was sixteen at the time loving life I found a spot in the woods where I would get lost at with the music up loud,Taking pictures almost everyday which was the start of R.F Photography. I would sit by a pond write and look and the screaming colors reflecting off the water which would stay the same season after season. I felt something there something strong I would pray and it felt like God was listening. sometimes I would lay in the middle of the pond where there was a little pathway I could feel something or someone there, it felt like magic!
I hadn't been to church in a few years, Because I was struggling with my sexuality at the time. ''I am gay'' and growing up in a strict religious house hold made it even harder. The whole time I grow up I was taught to think being gay was wrong that its a sin...Its NOT!
But the feeling I felt when I was in thoses woods I know God was with me and that He still Loves me! ''We will get to the whole woods thing in a bit I promise!''
At this time me and my cousin where really close. well we kind of had to be, we were both home schooled and both went to the same christian tutorial on Tuesdays. the only days we should have had free from are parents but No! because both of are mothers worked there! yep that's right! there worked at are school which meant we where not the most popular. My cousin would usually get to come over after school on Tuesdays and we would catch up on doctor who and the walking dead. Since we where were pretty close at the time He asked me if I wanted to go to he's church. I hesitantly said yes. Still knowing I was gay and still knowing in there eyes and in there churches eyes it was wrong/it was a sin.[Its Not!] At this time no one know I was gay. it was the beginning of spring love and happiness field the air but my depression slowly began to grow and get worse and worse. I had been taking med's for my Depression since the Doctor diagnosed me with depression when a was fifteen. The med's the doctor had given me weren't helping. I told the Doctor on my monthly check up that they where he could see it in my eyes that I needed more then med's so he and my mom decided I need to see a therapist. I was not ready at the time to talk about why I was depressed [Which FYI it wasn't the reason but hey I was 16 so what did I know? [you and I find out later the real reason why lets keep going shall we] anyways... I was not ready to come out even though it was eating me up inside. I would constantly watch coming out videos on YouTube and then delete my watch history so my parents would not see it. The day my Doctor said I had to go to therapy I ran into the woods so fast put my headphones in my ears played music so loud, sit by the pound and just prayed, I cried so hard my tears could have field the pound. I wasn't ready to come out, I wasn't ready for people to look at me differently,I wasn't ready to lose people I care about, I wasn't ready to lose Family! I was just starting to fit in at church. I know I wasn't going to be able to keep my sexuality a secret forever but I thought at least I could hide it until I went off to college.
