Who I Am

Chapter three: I want to be happy

I often tell myself that I need to get over this, I need to be happy but it doesn't seem to work. I do genuinely try to be happy but my mind just keeps replaying those nights I cried myself to sleep, all of the comments. My thoughts never leave me alone and it's ruining me.

I pretend that I'm happy all the time but it's not the same. I'm at that point where I don't actually know how I feel. I kind of just feel as if I'm a robot. Strange really.

My laughs sound empty, my eyes hold no emotion anymore. It's like I'm just staring at a blank space.

I don't feel anymore. It's complicated and confusing to me and I don't know if I'll ever understand it. I try and avoid going out now because, what's the point? Go out, just so that I can feel even more insecure about myself?

An old friend of mine once asked why I was so insecure. If you would just take a look at everyone else around me, you would know exactly why. Their families, appearances, personalities, friendships. It's all that I've always wanted. I never wanted fancy things, I just wanted to be loved and be happy with myself.

Everyone around me, they all walk around happy and they don't care about what others think of them. I know that I don't know what they're actually going through but they seem so much stronger than I am.

They can still walk around as if nothing's wrong. When I'm in public, I look like your average person who's reasonably happy with their lives but then you get other people who look like they couldn't be any happier and I wish that it could be me. It honestly doesn't make much sense to me but that's what goes through my mind.

I've always wanted to be loved. I want to know what it feels like to be secure. I didn't get that feeling when I was with my family. I'm too scared to say anything around my family.

They're supposed to be my friends but instead, it feels like I'm in prison.

I want friends who will talk to me until two in the morning. A friend who I can tell everything to. Someone who can help me through this, make me genuinely happy. It's all I've ever wanted.

I'm not asking for fancy clothes or phones or anything like that. I've never asked for that. I just wanted to feel loved and worth something. Do you ever have those moments when all you want is that one best friend you can tell everything to? You can spill your heart out and they'll actually care about what you're saying.

It's partly my fault, I hide my personality but I can't help it. I've tried so hard to get over my anxiety but no matter how hard I try, it never works. I've been trying my entire life. I've worked so hard but it all goes down the drain when I come face to face with someone.

I don't get it, it seems to come so easily for other people. Why is it so hard for me? Why am I different?

I feel like I'm less than others. Like I'm not as capable as most people. I feel unworthy and not good enough. I often think that I'm being treated unfairly.

It's selfish of me to think that and I hate it, but it's true. That's how I feel. It's unfair of me when I don't know what others could be going through right now. They could be going through so much more.

I've always had this vision of how I wanted my future to be and knowing that it'll never be that way isn't the best feeling. I see these people who are so successful. They're doing exactly what they've always wanted to do and I just know that it won't be the same for me.

I fight everyday and that's why I'm still here but is it worth it? It takes every ounce of strength that I have.

There are times when I can't even breathe anymore. I sit there, staring at the wall, on the verge of breaking down, unable to breathe. I don't know what to do with myself.

I can't even describe how I feel when that happens. My heart is empty yet there is so much pain there. It's a horrible feeling. I feel like smashing everything in front of me but at the same time, I want to sit down and be calm. I want to take a moment to comprehend everything.

Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, they tear me apart. I see all those people and they look so happy. They're making something of their life and they aren't letting it go to waste.

They're all surrounded by family and friends, people they love and people who love them. No one to judge them. What more could you ask for?

I've tried over and over. I've been fighting everyday but it's all just too much.

After one thing is over, something else happens and I end up going through it all over again. It's a never ending cycle.

I don't know how long it's going to take until I'm strong enough to finally accept who I am and be happy with it. I don't know when I'll stop caring about what other people think of me. I don't know when I'll be happy or when I'll be loved.

That's just it, you never know. That's exactly why I never hope or expect anything, this way, I'll never be disappointed.

You're only going to be disappointed if you were expecting something.

I'm disappointed because I had this vision of a perfect future where I was happy, loved and it was everything I've always wanted. I now see that it's never going to be that way.

I've learnt my lesson and from now on, I won't be disappointed. I'll still keep fighting, I have to. I've worked so hard to be here today and even though there are times I feel like quitting, I know that I can't.

I may not get what I've always wanted but something is so much better than nothing.

I can't keep failing forever, right?

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I know it's short but the next one will be longer. I hope you liked it and I hope you could relate to some of it. This book is meant to show you that you're not alone and that you don't always have to give up.

I'm here to help you and I care about all of you. So much. It breaks my heart when I hear about what other people are doing and what they're going through. We are all in this together and if we help each other out, maybe we could change things. I love you all so so much and I will do anything to help you. Never hesitate to come talk to me, please. I do know what it feels like and I want to help you. You're not alone, okay?
I will always be here for you, never forget that. You can even come to me if you just want to vent. I don't have to say anything, you can just vent out everything that you feel to someone who will listen. You can come to me for anything and I'll always be here.

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Thank you so much for reading! I love you all so so much, have a great day xx