Who I Am

Chapter four: Will things change?

(Please excuse any mistakes. This will be edited soon)

I may hide how I feel but that does not mean that I don't. I feel pain too, whether I show it or not. For some reason, people don't seem to realise this. Maybe they just don't care?

I'm a lot more sensitive than the impression that I give. I am fragile, you just don't see it. You don't see that I'm breaking. No one does.

I want to show people that I am strong even though I'm not. I could be, eventually. I don't want people to see that I'm weak because it makes me an easier target. I'd like to be known as the kind of person who doesn't care about what other people have to say.

I doubt that it would happen and I've tried. Yes, I have been trying my entire life but not hard enough. There's always someone pushing me back down. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do this. For how much longer can I keep picking myself back up?

They don't seem to notice that I'm fading away. It's my fault, I guess but don't I deserve better than this?

It's confusing really. At times, I feel as if I deserve for all of this to happen to me but then at others, I wonder what I ever did wrong.

I've always tried to be this figure who would never purposefully hurt another. I have never intentionally done anything wrong, so why me? Thoughts are always rushing through my mind and I can't stop them.

Betrayal.

That's the biggest thing. It makes me feel like I'm not worth it. Everytime I make a friend, which hardly ever happens, they'll always find someone better to go to. They'll find a new friend that's better than me and then they'll leave.

Back to being alone, back to feeling worthless.

They always leave and I don't know why. Am I really that bad?

Like I get it, I'm not the most attractive person ever but really?

Most of the sick people in this world only care about looks and it's really sad. Looks shouldn't matter because everyone has their own opinion. No one is "ugly" and if someone does think that, then they're wrong. Trust me. I don't understand how people could be so cruel, based on something like that.

Surely I'm not that bad, right? They always leave. I've never had a best friend, never had a friend who actually cared about me. You get sick of it after a while. Always being left alone. Absolutely sick of it.

It's always going to be that way. I've tried so hard, but I can't change it. I feel as if I'll never be loved, ever.

All of those people who I thought had my back, turns out they were all just liars who couldn't care less. When I needed them most, they were nowhere to be found.

They left me stranded alone and all I could do was hide.

I would sit there and let the uncontrollable tears flow. I realised that no one had my back. Not a single person.

Everyone that I thought cared about me, they go against me every chance they get when I've done nothing wrong.

I am simply just surviving and nothing else. I'm always alone. Alone in public.

I'm alone is this hellhole that I'm forced to call home.

Some may say that I'm overreacting, but if only they knew. If only they knew that I cried myself to sleep every night. If only they knew that I had to pretend to be happy when my family treated me like absolute shit for no good reason. What if they knew that I was unbelievably insecure?

If only they knew that I had to go through everyday, forcing myself to stay alive.

I think about it everyday if I'm honest but I somehow stop myself, making myself believe that tomorrow will be better. What a fool I am to believe that even though I'm proven wrong day after day.

Maybe it'll take more than just a few days, a few months? Maybe it'll take a few years. I'm prepared to find out.

I know that it won't be the easiest thing to do but it is possible, don't you think? I want to stick around so that I can find out.

If I wait long enough, will things change?

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I know that this is really short and I haven't updated in quite a while. I am so so so sorry but I am drowning in work and I'm trying to finish it all.

I promise that I'll update soon and it'll be much longer,

Remember that if you ever need someone to talk to, I'll always be here for you. Don't hesitate to come to me. I'm here for you and I care about you.

I love you all so much, hope you have a good day