Home Is Where the Heart Is (Brittana)

Chapter 7

Santana's POV

As Brittany adjusted to living in Columbus, I planned for her to meet Jessie. I was very excited for them to meet but also a little nervous.

The afternoon that we'd planned to meet, Brittany and I left the apartment and made our way to the coffee shop that we had decided on. It was somewhere Jessie and I had spent a lot of time together when we were still in university together, and we both thought that their coffee far exceeded the coffee from any chain coffee shop. Besides, I knew Brittany would love their hot chocolate, since it was one of her favorite drinks of all time.

We beat Jessie there, so Brittany and I found a four person booth next to a window. I watched to see when Jessie arrived, and when they did, I stood up to greet them.

"Hey! It's been a while!" they exclaimed, clearly having missed me as much as I'd missed them.

"Yeah! It's great to see you again." I led them over to where Brittany was seating. "This is my girlfriend, Brittany."

"So you're the famous Brittany," Jessie kidded. "It's nice to finally meet you. Santana, here, used to talk about you all the time when we were in college together."

I glared at her playfully as Brittany got out of our booth.

"It's nice to meet you too," she said. "Santana talks about you a lot to; it's nice to know she has you as a friend."

"Are we ready to order?" I asked. "I can just order for everyone."

"I'll have my usual," Jessie replied.

"And I'll have hot chocolate," Brittany said, sitting back down in the booth.

I went up to the front counter to order for everyone while Jessie and Brittany talked.

---

After that, we spent a lot of time together with Jessie. Still, Jessie and I both had school, so I knew Brittany was lonely a lot of the time during the day.

I would come home to her cleaning the house, dancing along to her music some days; but, other days, she would be crying, or throwing up, or suffering through other pregnancy symptoms.

Sometimes, I was terrified at the thought of Brittany having a baby that I would help care for. I knew I loved Brittany (despite not yet telling her outright), but we were still so new. I feared that anything I did to hurt her would ruin our relationship. How could I tell her just how scared I was to meet her baby?

---

Every time that we were out in public together, Brittany insisted on holding my hand. And, as nerve-wracking as it had been for me at first, I began to enjoy it a lot more. I stopped caring what the strangers on the sidewalk were thinking of me. Brittany may not have known it, but she was helping me so much.

"How much is rent?" Brittany asked me one day.

"I thought I told you," I replied.

"My parents want to help you pay rent," she said, "since I'm staying here with you, and as much as I want to help, I don't have very much money."

"I'll talk with them. They don't need to help pay rent."

"Please, Santana." Brittany looked at me with the look on her face she used to get anything she wants.

"Fine," I replied. "I'll text your parents about it."

"Thank you," she said. "You know, I really want to get a job to help you, but unless I want to become a waitress or bartender, there's really nothing out there for me."

"What do you mean?" I asked. "You're super smart, and you have a degree."

"Yeah, but I will want to take maternity leave in a few months. I just feel horrible free-loading off you like this. Maybe I should become a waitress."

"Brittany," I said, looking into her eyes to show her how serious I was, "you do not need to work. Your parents will be helping me, and I have always been able to pay rent since I've lived here. A lot of smells make you sick, and I am not going to let you become a waitress, okay?"

"Okay."

---

Once the ice finally melted off the sidewalks, I would meet Santana at her college and walk her home. I needed to get out of the house, especially on days when Santana was gone for hours at a time.

After Santana left for her classes on a Friday (her shortest day at school with only one two-hour class), I decided to go to the library before meeting her for lunch. I dug through my clothes, trying to find something to wear. I knew I needed to buy maternity clothes, but I didn't want to go shopping alone, and Santana was busy pushing through her final months in college.

The day before, I'd been unable to unbutton my loosest pair of jeans for the first time, so (despite how self-conscious they made me feel) I put on my sweats and one of Santana's over-sized sweaters before leaving the apartment. I didn't look in the mirror before leaving, knowing that would probably keep me home for the rest of the day.

"Hey," Santana greeted when I picked her up outside the school, underneath the same tree as always, although now it finally had some budding leaves.

"Hey." I reached my hand out to take hers, but she started walking without taking it.

Once we arrived at the apartment, I asked, "Why didn't you hold my hand for the walk home?"

She sighed. "I just didn't okay?"

"Is it because I'm wearing sweats?"

"No, I just didn't want to, okay?" Her voice got louder.

"Do you even want to be with me anymore?!"

"Of course I do!" she shouted in reply. "But right now, I need some space." Turning away from me, she started walking towards our bedroom.

"I should have known you hadn't really changed!" I yelled back.

I flinched when our bedroom door slammed before sitting on the couch, feeling warm tears sliding down my cheeks.

Running my fingers along my slight baby bump, I hoped Santana would forgive me. If she kicked me out, then I'd truly feel lost.

"Britt?"

I looked up to see Santana with her hands held out to me. Hesitantly, I took them, and she pulled me to my feet.

"I'm sorry," we both blurted out at the same time.

"What do you have to be sorry for?" Santana asked. "You had every right to be upset."

"Not to raise my voice at you," I replied, "and definitely not to say what I did. I know you've changed since high school, but what you did today just brought back those old feelings."

"Yeah, that wasn't great of me; I should have at least told you that today wasn't a good day. I love holding your hand, but only when my mind's in a good place. I still sometimes feel like everyone is judging me. It's been a hard day, and I just didn't feel up to it. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay," I motioned for Santana and I to sit on the couch. "I know you still struggle with internalized homophobia sometimes; there are even moments when I feel judged for being with you in public. But, in high school, when you'd say you liked me in private and then deny me in public, this felt just like that."

"I'm sorry for all those things I did to you in high school."

"I've forgiven you for those things," I said. "I'm just working really hard on trusting you to not do it again. I can see you've grown so much since then."

Santana smiled, looking down at her hands for a moment before blurting out, "I love you."

"I love you, too," I replied, without an ounce of hesitation before pulling Santana closer to me to kiss her. "Thanks for talking about this with me."

"Of course. Are you okay?"

"I am now."