Edelsteen's random thoughts

11:26 thoughts

I'm healed. I am me again. Masaya na ko ulit. Literally.

Last couple of months, I've been through a lot, A LOT. Sa loob ng anim na buwan, ang daming nangyari, ang dami kong pinagdaanan.

I've been heartbroken in so many different ways. Sa lovelife, friendship, studies, family, sa sarili ko, sa lahat. Naging sobrang disappointed ako. To the point na tinanong ko kung may galit ba sakin yung mundo and if ever, san ako nagkamali? Saan ako nagkamali for the world to make me feel like shit?

Madaming bagay akong sinukuan, and that includes me not being able of happiness again. Last September, I have experienced my biggest heartbreak, with a guy ofcourse. With a guy I have never met in real life, na minahal ko, ng sobra. Oo na, alam ko naman, tanga sige oo umasa.

So things happened really fast. We decided to cut ties with each other. Why? It's because..

He said that, 'Internet love is bullshit.' 

I loved him so much that I can't help but to agree with his point of view at that time.

Disclaimer tho, this is not for everyone. I personally believe that love can conquer everything, it's just that ours have never been enough to conquer. So yeah.

Noong una, feeling ko di ko kaya. Ganon naman kasi talaga diba? Imagine having someone/something very important to you and suddenly, unexpectedly, it's gone. What would you feel? 'Coz I am not some kind of robot to feel nothing duh. Ofcourse I felt so much pain, sadness, anger, betrayal and confusion.

Feeling ko noon, binagpagsakan ako ng langit at lupa. Nawalan ako ng gana sa lahat ng bagay. Hindi ko na makilala yung sarili ko. Hindi ko lubos maisip pa noong mga panahon na yon na sa ganoong bagay, masasaktan ako ng sobra.

*****

Fast forward, to the present time, midnight. I was scrolling on tiktok when a video came up on my fyp. It's simply videos that is auto-synced to a certain audio. It looks good. Nacurious ako kaya ni-try ko. So I added 17 videos of mine that I picked randomly and let tiktok do the thing. 

Nung matapos na, syempre pinanood ko. And out of nowhere, I'm crying. 

'Damn. I've made it this far.' the first thought that pops out of my mind.

Kala ko talaga dati wala na kong pag asa. Aaminin ko din na napagod na talaga ako lumaban noon, hindi lang para sa sarili ko kundi para sa lahat ng taong nakapaligid sakin. It's depressing.

Pero ito ako ngayon, writing this. For what reason? Because I realized na...

'I'm healed. I am me again. Masaya na ko ulit. Literally.' without me even noticing.

That video made me see how stable I am right now. I have my smile back, that I really used to love. I have my energy and my vibes back. I returned to myself with so much character development. I returned with GROWTH. 

I am proud.