𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 (𝐃𝐚𝐛𝐢 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫)

25

You were pacing, had been for the last fifteen minutes since you'd arrived back at your apartment. Your mind was reeling with the new information you'd been given. And there was an added swell of fear and guilt knowing that in just a few hours you'd be undergoing the procedure to have the poison removed from your body. 

"You're going to wear yourself out," Dabi said from his place on the couch. "Would you please sit down? Watching you like this is making me dizzy."

Ignoring him, you turned on your heel and went to the other side of the room once again. "Do you think Ami may have actually found Izanagi? Or at least its general location?" You placed the tip of your thumb between your teeth. "Hara could've been tricking us. What if we give her the poison and she says that the thing Ami found was her phone charger or something?" 

Dabi sighed. "If that's the case, we'll deal with her accordingly and continue our search."

"But then that will mean that I did the procedure for nothing." You pivoted toward him. "I can't do this unless I know for sure that it'll help us." You'd been happy to schedule the appointment at first, but as you'd walked back through the city, doubts had begun flooding your brain. 

"It won't be for nothing," he said with exasperation. "Even if she doesn't give us any useful information, getting the procedure done will mean that you'll be able to live for longer than just another couple of years." 

God, he didn't understand, you didn't expect him to. It made sense for him to think that you weren't being rational, and hell, maybe you weren't. "That isn't enough." You resumed your pacing. "If that happens, then I'm left with nothing."

"How the hell is that true? Why are you so opposed to doing this?" His voice was growing steadily angrier. "You'll be left with the rest of your goddamn life ahead of you!"

"And how is that fair?!" You stopped once again, sucking in a breath. And then it all began to burst out. "The only reason I'm willing to do this is that Ami's dying wish was to have me find this weapon. But if this lead gets us nowhere how is it fair that I can just continue with my life? How is it fair that she died and I get to keep on living without any consequence?!" You pulled the sleeve of your jacket off, revealing the jagged wound on our arm. 

Dabi's eyes softened a bit, but his voice remained firm. "Is that why you haven't gotten that thing treated? You think that you deserve to be in constant pain because what? Because you survived and she didn't?!"

"Exactly!" You swallowed back the small lump forming in your throat. "She was fighting for her life while I was high off my ass at some club! I should've been there, should've listened whenever she told me not to go, but I didn't! I was selfish and she died because of it. This," you pointed to your arm, "is nothing compared to the pain she must've felt."

He stood from the couch, and you noticed the change in his volume when he next spoke. "You're strong, Princess, but I don't think there's anything you could've done to prevent what happened."

He was wrong. There were so many things you could've done, things that you thought about every fucking day. "You don't know that," you said softly. 

"Maybe not, but I do know that your friend wouldn't have wanted you to torture yourself over this." He took a few steps forward. "There are much better ways to honor her memory."

Your laugh came out forced. "How? I wasn't even invited to her funeral." Her parents had always felt disdainfully toward you, even more so after finding out that you were quirkless. They'd seen you as extra weight that would only slow their daughter down. They'd even told you as much. Ami hadn't cared and neither had you, until the day you'd seen the funeral announcement online, along with a separate message sent to your privately. Her brother had been the one to tell you that you weren't welcome. It hadn't hurt at first. You'd seen the message during the time that you'd been lost in confusion and numbness, busy trying to figure out how to accomplish the task Ami had left for you. But as time had passed, the realization had become painfully clear. You'd never gotten to say goodbye to her.