Alone

Lan Zhan really didn't want to leave Wei Ying. He hated the idea so much that it physically pained him. It was like severing his body and soul in half. He left things for Wei Ying to do and, hopefully, enough Emperor's Smile to keep him happy so he wouldn't miss him so much.

Are 30 jars enough? He smiled. Probably not. I hope I'm back before he finishes the last jar.

His only goal now was to leave so he could come back as soon as possible and kiss his lover's tears that were slowly sliding down his face. He grabs Wei Ying to embrace him.

Wei Ying hides his face in Lan Zhan's robes, inhaling his scent, which makes him cry even harder. He knows Lan Qiren wants to separate them, so he keeps trying to send Lan Zhan away and keep Wei Ying like a prisoner at Cloud Recess.

I refuse to let him win, but... I'm slowly breaking down.

It's getting harder and harder every time Lan Zhan leaves, but Wei Ying is determined to keep a brave face so Lan Zhan doesn't worry. It's so painful, and Lan Zhan knows he's in pain. He promises himself that this will be the last time he will put Wei Ying through this, Lan Qiren be damned.

Lan Zhan holds Wei Ying tighter and tighter. He kisses his eyes, his nose, and finally his lips. He softly bites his lower lip and pulls it gently. Wei Ying sobs harder and holds Lan Zhan with all his strength. He slowly cups Lan Zhan's face as if he will never see him again. Then, he braces himself and puts on a bright smile, though tears are still sparkling on his eyelashes. "Go, my love. I will be fine, and I will wait for you!" After one last squeeze and kiss, Lan Zhan walks away. Wei Ying waits until he is gone, then throws himself on the bed and cries himself to sleep.

Three days have passed, and Wei Ying is restless and anxious. Can he face another day without him? Nothing is holding his interest in the talismans, the bunnies, or even his garden. He hasn't slept or eaten in three days and feels like he can't shed any more tears. If Lan Zhan had seen him now, he would have been shocked. His Wei Ying is wasting away; the darkness is calling him.

He doesn't want to break the rules but must leave these four walls. He begs Sizhui through the butterfly messenger to arrange for him to go to the cold pond. Sizhui knows his father is hurting, so he bends the rules so that Lan Qiren doesn't know he left the Jinqshi. Wei Ying practically ran to the Cold Pond.

"My heart is breaking, and I can't make it stop."

He misses Lan Zhan's arms around him, getting on his lap, and listening to his heartbeat. He misses his scent. He even misses when he says "Mn" for everything that only he knows the meaning of. He misses HIM!!

He closed his eyes, wishing for his lover's arms to hold and caress him. Tears started to sting his eyes. He embraced himself and hung his head. He felt so alone. So alone. He hated being alone, alone with his dark thoughts. His choices in his previous life had made him alone. Only Lan Zhan had stood by him. Lan Zhan was still with him no matter what he had done or said. But still...

The word alone is such a small world, but its meaning can be overwhelming and debilitating. He is alone because the family that raised him was killed because of him. He is alone because his adopted brother hates him and blames him for the loss of his parents and beloved sister. His Shijie died saving him. Why didn't she just let him die? Her life was worth more than his. She had a husband and a new son who needed her. His heart is breaking, and his hot tears are blurring his vision. His thoughts are becoming darker and darker. Lan Qiren hates him because Lan Zhan is with him. He keeps the juniors away, saying he will ruin them too.

Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, will I kill you too because you are with me? I could not, would not live if you died because of me.

He began to panic and couldn't breathe as he sank deeper into the darkness. He couldn't stop his tears.