We've Met Before

8 - Somewhere Between Selfish

KAIA

I'm awake.
I feel nauseous.

There's a searing pain in my head that makes me think that maybe I'm dead. Maybe I went to hell and now I'm condemned to a constant life of onions and headaches.
I sit up straight and realize I'm laying in a hospital bed, in a night gown.
Did I really die?
I look around.
Cade Steele sits asleep in a chair beside me. He's snoring a bit, and I think there's some drool falling from his chin.
I think I feel nervous. Why am I here?
I look around my body for signs of a car crash, or maybe a third degree burn from a house fire, yet there's nothing on me. There's not a single sign of violence, or aggression.
"Cade." I whisper, trying my best not to shock him awake.
He immediately startles either way. He stumbles beside me and holds my face between his hands. His fingers are shaking and I feel suddenly more at peace.
"How do you feel?" He whispers, treating me as if I were to fall apart any second now.
"What happened? Why am I in the hospital?"
He purses his lips. He's now unable to look me in the eyes. His eyes are fixated on the ground.
    "Cade, why am I here?" I'm growing impatient.
    He pulls one of the chairs from against the wall and staggers it near my bed. He leans against my railing and sighs, "Kai, someone at the party drugged you. I found you stumbling through the halls and I called Dahlia. We both decided to take you to the hospital so you could be examined. There's no trace of DNA throughout your body that doesn't belong to you," He stares at me. He's trying to figure me out. "Say something, please."
    I don't know how to feel. I want to feel upset, and maybe deep down a part of me is. A part of me is extremely disturbed, scared. But I can't remember a thing.
    I look at Cade and I realize that he's expecting me to break down any second now, but I can't.
    I don't remember anything, I can't stitch my emotions together if I have no thread to pull out of.
    "Do you want to go home?" He asks, cupping one of my hands between his own.
    My mom.
    She's probably hung over right now. Stuck somewhere between sober and inebriated.
    I shake my head.
    "Where do you want to go sweet girl?"
    I the taste of the way the nickname rolls off his tongue. It tastes like cherry slushies, and mint gum. It smells like the ocean.
    "Have you been here all night?" I ask.
    He nods, staring at the floor once again.
    "Thank you," I say, keeping my voice soft, and as strong as it possibly can be.
    I'm not upset, and I really wish I could be.
——
    I've been staring at a driving Cade for the last twenty minutes. His blue eyes dance with worried contemplation and I can't help but ask myself if it's because of me.
    I wonder if he'd feel better if I started crying.
    He gives me a quick glance and I immediately turn towards the window, my cheeks beating up.
    "Stare much?" He asks, amused.
    There's my Cade.
    "No. I'm just looking around."
    "Tell me what to do," he says, his chest rising.
    "What?" I stare at a desperate Cade, his ocean eyes glowing against the light emanating from his window.
    "Kaia, are you okay?"
Am I not supposed to be? "Maybe."
   I stare down at my lap, looking at the open palms laying above them. How can I grieve something that both; didn't happen; and I can't remember.
I feel my phone buzz against my thigh, and I look at the call receiver. Gabby.
I answer the phone.
"Oh my gosh! Kaia are you okay?! I heard what happened," I can hear her gasp through the other side of the line, the way she's taking in deep breaths.
"I'm okay, just a little shaken I guess," I murmur, playing with the open zipper of my hoodie.
Cade shifts in the driver's seat, looking down at me every couple street lights. He has a single hand draped over the steering wheel, while the other plays with his jaw. His fingers stroke gently along his chin and dangle somewhere along his cheek.
"Kaia? Hello?" Gabby shouts from the other side of the phone.
"Yes, keep going."
"If you need anyone to talk to, let me know. You've always been there for me at my worst," She sounds sincere, and I wouldn't expect anything but sincerity from her.
"Thank you. I have to go now, but please keep everything that happened private. I can't imagine it all blowing up against my face," I pause for a second. "Please, just don't- don't tell anyone."
"Of course! Bye!"
The call rings out and I place the phone back onto my lap.
"Who was that?"
"Don't worry about it, seriously." I smile at him. "Don't grow frown lines on me, Steele."
He chuckles, and I feel suddenly accomplished. I wonder if things could be different now. I look at him and I can't find a piece of me that isn't laying on the beach, shrouded in his sunlight.
    I wanted the beach, but instead I received a shred of Alaska.
    The unconscious smile that was on my lips two minutes ago drops. It drops onto my lap, and I can do nothing but close my open palm, and stow it away.
——
    I at first didn't know where we going, but now that we've made our destination, it all makes perfect sense.
    The light blue, the creamy yellows.
    I stand in the parking of "Ottie's."
    Ottie's is the place my mom used to take Cade and I when his mom was at the hospital with his dad.
    Cade places his hand on the small of my back and ushers me inside. The distinct door bell rings, and we head to sit at a booth. My sneaks squeak against the floors and I almost feel like laughing.
    I sit down across from Cade.
    If I stare at my fingernails for long enough, then maybe I won't have to talk to him.
But you want to talk to him.
    Before I can register my own emotions, the words fly out of my mouth, "How's your dad?"
He stiffens. "He's pulling through, we don't have to talk about it though. How do you feel?"
Don't push me away.
"I'm okay, stop worrying about it. It's never been of your importance." My response came harsher than I wanted it to be.
    I see it crash against him, tumble him back for a few seconds, before his face evolving into a blank slate.
    A waitress saunters towards our table, her eyes lingering on Cade. A blush creeps upon her cheeks, her eyes simmering down on him.
    "I'm Amanda, what can I get you?" Her voice drips of aspartame.
I'm literally right here.
    Before Cade naively answers, I intercept. "I'd like a black coffee, and he'd like a raspberry tea if you have any."
    Cade smirks, clasping his hands together. "What the lady said."
    The waitress attempts to hold her smile on her face, the ghost of a scowl lingering somewhere between her eyebrows.
Checkmate bitch.
"Of course. I'll be right back with your drinks while you look at the menu."
Cade looks at me, and his face suddenly turns serious. Somewhere between casual, and tense. Very capricious.
"Do you remember anything from last night? Anything," His eyes plead me more than his mouth does.
I look down at my hands, afraid that I'm as useless as I've always been.
"No. I don't remember anything except seeing Dahlia at the party, meeting Jake, and then I went-" I pause, shutting my eyes shut. You can't remember anything? How pathetic of you. "I don't know where I went next. Dahlia wanted to go check on Jake, and then-"
Cade extends a hand across the table, interlacing his palm with my own. "It's okay. Don't overexert yourself sunshine."
    "No," I feel tears bubble on my lower lash line. "It's not okay. Everyone spent the entirety of last night, and even this morning worrying about me. I've caused more harm than good in the last 24 hours."
    My next sentence ejects in a whisper, and I half-heartedly hope he doesn't hear it. "I've learned to stay away because it's not what anyone needs."
    His eyes are closed when I finally dare to look at him.
He's hurt because of you. Why is it always your fault?
    "It says more about me, than it does about you, that your biggest worry is whether you bothered anyone or not."
    This is gentle, inexplicably tender. This is what it felt like at the beach.
    But it eventually fell down. Somewhere between the laughs, somewhere between the sun, somewhere between the water, something tumbled. Somewhere the high school quarterback clichés, I found something else, but it all tumbled down
And it was all my fault.
    I have memories of my mother cradling me, the same way she cradles the alcohol bottles from the convenience store. Somewhere along losing my father, she realized I was her least favorite possession. Her worst memory and heirloom molten together.
    Cade continues talking.
"I haven't done my job right if you haven't learned to be selfish," His thumb is gently caressing my knuckles, taking his time soothing over every single one, "Be selfish, for the love of god Kaia, be grasping. Stop blaming what happened on yourself, and the consequences of it. You're more than capable of blaming this all on whatever sick fuck did this to you."
    Be selfish.
    What a funny concept.
The waitress comes strolling by, her presence interjecting Cade's lecture on selflessness and how it's my detriment.
She places two cups on the table, pouring black coffee in mine, and pushing Cade's tea towards him. She leans over, her chest shoving against Cade's face. He uncomfortably shifts back, leaning against the booth.
He doesn't want you.
She smiles sweetly at him and I roll my eyes.
She finally shifts away, giving her stupid goodbye.
I'm about to turn to face Cade when I see he's already looking at me. His blue eyes tangle strings around my head, drowning out my thoughts.
I feel like a blank slate when he does that.