You're Not Like Us

Ch. 2- "Its Just A Phase"

-Before we begin...-

This chapter includes strong depictions of violence, self-harm, substance abuse, language and more. 

Please DO NOT continue if you are alarmed by these things. 

Thank you, and enjoy

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"Its just a phase"

        I cannot stress enough how much those words cut deep into me. Almost as if a rusted blade was sliced against tough skin, tearing the flesh even more roughly than before until you bleed out metal because your body ends up consuming it. It twists your mind, changes your way of thinking, tears you from the inside out until you feel nothing. This was how i felt my first week of Freshman Year.

        When I turned 14, it seemed everything was headed down that yellow brick road leading to happiness, but, if any of you know anything about the Wizard of Oz, you know it was all an illusion. A fabrication of ones imagination that was so sick and twisted Dorothy almost never made it home. The tin man almost never got a heart, the lion almost never got courage, the scarecrow almost never got a brain, and yet, i almost never survived.

       Now, believe it or not, there was a time i was open about myself. About who i was, who i wanted to become, who i was "proud" to be. For a while, it was working. The whole "accept me for who i am" deal. As you may have gathered, although, that changed.

         I started out the year what some of you may call "strong", with good grades, a hopeful heart, and a decent amount of friends I'd like to think. I was actually happy. Until the day that will forever be marked in the back of my brain like a VCR tape replaying over and over again, never shutting off. The day that I had decided enough was enough. The fateful day that changed my path of future for forever.

      You may be wondering, "Why, that's such a silly accusation. One day cannot simply determine the entirety of the rest of your days." So if you were, you would be wrong. That day was more than describable but for the sake of humanity, i shall explain.

        To start, on that day it just so happened to be 3rd day since I started highschool. Meaning, i almost thought I could get through the week and possibly the year without the discrimination against me. Now, i knew that bullying would of course cross my path here and there, but what i didn't know was how bad it would get. Although, through all the pain, I had a close friend, Cyrus, and we were partners in crime. I'm talking inseparable. They were the kindest person I'd met in a long time, and i miss them dearly. Unfortunately, they ended their life earlier then needed, and i often visit their grave to get a conversation in every once in a while. He kept a punk rock style with shortened black hair throughout the year, often wearing their nose ring and eyeliner to pull it all together. I remember the slipknot shirt he wore almost daily, as if he had no other clothing items.

      Continuing on, he was also part of the LGBT community with He/They pronouns and an open Demisexual. We often went to the theater, which, is where the story starts. On the particular day i have been writing about the last few pages, i was leaving the community home when my cousin stopped me. She sat me down and said the dreaded words, "We need to talk.". I already knew what this was about. She was like a mother to me, being 28 years of age and caring for me after her father died. She was going to tell me, "i don't believe your gay, i think your just confused." But I knew who I was. "Listen Elizabeth-" "Ellis" i interrupted her. "Right, Ellis, i just wanted to talk to you about the whole, well, 'gay' thing .." I told you. She was bringing up the fact she thinks I'm not Pansexual.

       "Bella, i told you, I am who I am" i gave her a glare, signaling i was annoyed. "I understand why you might think that, but I believe it's just a phase." Of course she does! Everybody does! I got up, grabbed my bag, and stormed out of the room. The last thing i heard was, "Elizabe- Ellis! Wait!" before slamming the door behind me.

           I met Cyrus at the cinema and he had already gotten the popcorn. For some reason, although, they looked particularly nervous. "Hey Cy, whats up? You look more awkward than usual. " I nudged him on the shoulder and he glanced over at me. "Oh, its nothing. Just excited for the movie." I didn't believe him. I felt bad dragging it on though, so i decided to leave it alone and we made our way to the never ending hall of movie rooms. When we started walking, i noticed quite a lot of stares and glances looking our way. Some of them, i noticed, from kids that went to our school. I could see Cyrus sweating so i stopped him to ask what the hell was going on. "Cyrus, what the hell? Why is everyone staring? I know you know something." He started fidgeting and looked at his feet. 

          Before i explain whats about to happen, you need to understand something. A few nights before me and Cyrus did some regrettable things. I got drunk and unfortunately he got high at a party celebrating Freshman year. This wasn't all, though, for we almost hooked up. Cyrus had videos from that night because when your that limb you have no idea what your doing at that point, and begin to do whatever seems to make you "believe" your happy. I thought he deleted the videos. Key word: thought.

           "Cyrus??" i waved my hand in front of his face in an attempt to wake him from his thoughts. "I said, what the hell is going on??" They looked at me, almost as if he was pleading for mercy. "Don't be mad but...." "But what?" i snapped back "But i might've told some guys we hooked and they asked for proof so i showed them the videos from that night at the party and they might've shared them with the whole school so now people are saying your just a slut but hiding it by saying your gay.." 

              I know what your thinking, because i was thinking it, too. What the actual fuck. 

              "Cyrus what the fuck??" I pushed him harder than i meant to before feeling the soft tickle of tears down my cheeks. He tried apologizing multiple times but i left before i began to break down in a theater. Too bad i only made it to the sidewalk.

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             The next day i arrived at school with a bunch of phones in my face. The videos. The goddamn videos. As i walked down the hall to make it to my first period i got something worse than stares or phones or even the word "slut", i got the same phrase yelled at me repeatedly like i hadn't heard it enough-

"Its just a phase!"