Fight against love

Chapter 1

I placed the bouquet of flowers that I had bought earlier in the little shop around the corner on the earth that covered her coffin. I hadn't understood it until today. For days I searched for the meaning behind all this act and found only the darkness that gave me the pain and suffocated my breath. Less than a month had passed and I felt like the burden on my shoulders was getting heavier every day. Every word was tainted with silence. Every silent scream failed inside me. I sat in front of her grave for a brief moment, reeled off our memories and began to cry again. Would this pain ever end or will I just learn to deal with it over time? Would time heal the wounds or am I just learning to push it away? I would find out when the time was right. As soon as the nights got lighter again and the air allowed me to breathe again.

Sometimes I just wish we had had more time together. I would have liked some warning to delay all this. Instead, like any other day, I sat here and didn't get it.After getting to my feet, I said goodbye to her and took the first set of stairs that took me down to the main street. With each visit I thought the burden would lighten. Instead, it just caused another lump in my throat. It felt like another ship was sinking. Sometimes I wondered if I could have prevented it. If I had missed any signs or if she was just too good to hide. Right now, I need that back to the future car to undo all that. To make all these moments that happened now fleeting. By now I had the feeling that everything I touched was collapsing. Nothing seemed good enough. It had no sense. I was so angry. On them.Since then, my life has been nothing but chaos and broken mirrors because I couldn't bear to look at them anymore. Total isolation was my best friend because the pain was eating me up and I couldn't stand anyone. Was that reprehensible? Could anyone blame me for suddenly losing the most important person in my life?Everyone in my life showed understanding and gave me the space. But I didn't want any of that. I just didn't want to feel anything anymore. This pain should go away. The daily memories that haunted me crushed me inside. Nothing felt right anymore.

I felt lost in a world of seven billion people. I felt alone and abandoned. I carried this hate inside me and didn't know how to deal with it. It seemed like my world kept getting darker the further I went into it. Who can guarantee me that in the end there was a light and not a dead end?After strolling through the village for a while trying to hide my face behind a hood so no one would recognize me or even look at my face. I absolutely couldn't stand these pitiful looks at the moment. I didn't need that nonsense. All I wanted was the silence. The aloneness. Just no other person who caused me more pain. It hurt enough. I wouldn't take another loss. I couldn't take it.After what felt like a while, I finally arrived at my apartment and burst into tears as soon as I closed the door behind me. I sat on the floor with my back to the door and cried. My fragile world was getting smaller and smaller, crushing me alive in it. The hatred for myself grew as if I had committed a great crime. I didn't feel right, more like I was life's biggest fake. The fight against it seems almost futile. I clenched my hands into fists and pounded on my chest, hoping the pain would go away. Hoping I would finally come to my senses, instead it got worse. My fingers went to my hair and tugged. I slapped my head, I pulled my hair, I scratched my stomach and repeated the processes in a steady rhythm. it was sick I was sick. I knew that. But it was my way of mourning. My own way of dealing with it.

After a while I calmed down. After a while everything that needed to go was out and I walked to the fridge. I grabbed a bottle of wine and poured myself some from a glass I hadn't washed in a week. I didn't care. I didn't give a fuck since she left. It was like she ripped a piece of my heart out. We had a bond and I never once thought about letting go. She was one step ahead of me. She let go of the tape, which slammed down on me. From that moment on, I too lost my balance in life. We were one and now I didn't feel whole anymore. I ran too fast, hadn't seen her stumbling blocks, which now finally broke the bond.With my glass of wine, I wandered to the desk and tried to put my feelings on paper. Ever since she left, it seems to be the only remedy that has worked. Talking to someone about my feelings scared me. That's probably one of the reasons I didn't check my phone. For small talk questions like "How are you," I usually answered, "I'm fine, thanks and you?" when that was an outright lie. I was not feeling well. And the people who really knew me would be able to read that in this sentence. Only I would never find out who knew me and who didn't, because I didn't answer. I didn't have the strength for that.