I Used To Do It Too

Relapse

We only finally saw the rest of the family at eleven o'clock. Breakfast ended at ten o'clock so we had to find a spot to have brunch. A nearby restaurant was open and ready to fulfill our grumbling stomachs.

We had such a huge brunch that I could barely move. I spent the rest day at the hotel whilst everyone else went on shopping. Back at the hotel, I Skyped Jordan since I was alone with no one -my sister in particular- to disturb our conversation. We talked for two whole hours. It was the longest we had had for over two weeks. We even had one our famous farting competitions, and I won (as usual. Except for one time when I "let" him win). A goofy couple was what we were. We ended our conversation because he had to do some chores.

I was alone and bored in the hotel room. There was absolutely nothing to do. A sudden itch to scratch overcame me. My thoughts were all over the place and I could not gather them. There was a plastic spoon on the counter near the kettle and teas. I broke spoon in half to get a sharp point. I never thought quitting self harm as smooth as a bird gliding in the sky, but did not know it was this difficult. My heart beat faster and louder and it became harder to breath. I could not concentrate anymore. All I could see was the spoon shining brightly, like an angel come to relieve my pain in hell. It was whispering my name. My surroundings were a blur except the spoon. My hands were sweaty and shaky. I held on to the edges of the bed and shut my eyes tight. Memories of how much I enjoyed cutting to take away my emotional pain, creeped into my head. I tried my best to stop myself from being deceived from the cunning spoon, but I could not my control actions. The sharp end of the spoon got closer and closer to my thighs and before I knew what I was doing, I had shamefully carved the word 'FATTY'.

I had an extreme feeling of self-disgust towards myself. I used to think I was strong but that day proved that I didn't know myself well. My hands trembled and tears poured out. I stood up and walked weakly to the bin to throw away the spoon. Under the blankets, I curled myself up and let all the tears gush out. I felt like a sinner because I was destroying the temple of God. I felt horrible and needed to die. Burn in hell. Suicidal thoughts trapped me in a sealed metal box. I wanted to escape this world. No. I needed to, but I could not bare the thought of leaving my parents, Jasmine and Jordan- the boy I completely adored-, I just could not. I tried dismissing my suicidal thoughts and fell asleep.

Of course I had nightmares. These worse than nightnares. I kept waking up at irregular intervals. That was by far the most horrible night I've ever had. At three am, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed someone to talk to so I messaged Jordan. He was the best option because we were basically going through the same thing. After talking to him, I felt much better. I was useless and did not deserve him as a boyfriend. He was too perfect for a girl like me. I mean, I was fat, revolting to look at and useless. He was gorgeous, generous, considerate, helpful, well-built and fit. We were literally Beauty and the Beast, where he was Beauty and obviously I was the Beast. How could he love a girl who is no better than an ogre? I was a daisy in a field of roses. Only a handful of people loved me. My own sister loathed me. How revolting was I for my own sister to detest me? ''I wish I knew why she hated me so much.'' I mumbled with tears rolling down my face.

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A/N.
Hi beautiful! Hi handsome!
Some friends don't understand this. They don't understand how desperate we are to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're wonderful just the way you are. They don't understand that
we can't remember anyone ever saying that to us. We are so distant and difficult for our friends because we want to crumble, fall apart and break into a million pieces before them so that they will love us even though we are boring, helpess, useless, weak lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving, losing our minds and battling to survive every day. Depression is all about If you loved me you would.

This chapter is dedicated to Salma. We may have only talked for a bit, but I love you and your always in my heart. I miss you and I hope to see you soon :)♡

If you're going through a rough time, stay strong. You never know who you mean a lot to♡

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I love you all♡♡
#Ndebelang.