perf*ct (b×b) ✔

thirty-three: divine, my ass

nathan dawson's pov:

On Monday morning I was sitting in the classroom with Solar and Casper. We were still working on that group project and we only had the video essay left to do. In the next English class, on Thursday, we would be presenting our essay. Well, technically Solar and Casper were going to present our essay, because I would be at the speech-language pathologist.

"We could use the media room for filming, if it's vacant." Casper suggested.

He had turned out to be a lot nicer than I had imagined him to be and he was working hard for the project. Solar had also done a fair deal of the reading, whereas I had done my best with the podcasts. We went to the media room and got everything on film in good time.

"Is Blueberry settling in well?" Solar asked on our way to the cafeteria.

I wish we hadn't gotten so close to kissing: that was all I could think about when I looked at him. So in order to keep myself from becoming a stammering blushing mess, I kept my gaze strictly at the hallway in front of us.

"Jeffrey's been spoiling him the entire weekend, so I don't think he has any complaints." I chuckled.

"Well, that's good." Solar nudged my arm with his shoulder, sending shivers down my spine. "I already started reading one of the books."

I envied Solar's ability to get lost in stories and spend entire days reading. I had a feeling that would never be a real possibility to me. I knew dyslexia wasn't something you could cure, it was simply something you needed to adapt to and learn to make your best with it.

As we sat down at the table with our trays, it didn't take long before Kieran and Johnny joined us. Then, a while later, Audrey Grace, Liam and Harper took the seats next to us.

Audrey Grace asked me how Blueberry was doing and we started talking about him. It was easier to let my guard down around her after we had talked things through on Saturday. It was just a regular lunch hour, at our regular table with our regular group, but I found myself in a good mood afterwards. 

I could barely believe I actually had a group of friends to hang out with at school. Just over a month ago the only person who willingly spent his lunch hour with me was Liam. And even if I didn't see myself as a people person, I didn't mind having more familiar faces to share my school days with.

When the lunch hour was over, I didn't get to talk with Solar again. He left with Kieran and Johnny, and I didn't think there was anything worrisome about that. But once he barely acknowledged me in the hallway later that day, I was starting to get worried.

°°°°

I was walking home from C&B's when I checked my phone to see if Solar had answered my text. When he hadn't, I tried not to read too much about it. He had been acting like himself in the morning, but after lunch he had started to seem more and more distant.

I was worried something bad had happened to Solar or that there was something weighing him down. And I was hurt because I couldn't stop thinking that it might have had something to do with the almost-kiss: maybe he already regretted the whole thing and tried to find a way to let me down slowly? 

It was the first time I called Solar instead of him calling me, and I held my breath until he picked up. When he said hey, the tone he used made my stomach sink. He sounded.. cold? Bored? 

"Sorry, is this a bad time?" 

"No, of course not." Solar's voice softened and I felt like I could breathe again. "What are you up to?" 

"Nothing, just walking home." I knew what I wanted to ask him, but I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. "Solar, I.. D-did I do something wrong? You've been acting w-weird and.." 

"Hey no, wait up. You haven't done anything wrong, and I'm fine." I wish I could have seen his expression, because I couldn't read his tone. 

"Okay, good." 

"What did you and Audrey Grace talk about?" Solar asked then, keeping his tone casual. 

"Me and Audrey Grace?" I frowned. "Mostly about Nicholas, I guess." 

"Okay, good." Solar repeated my answer, but I could hear something dark in his voice. When the realization hit me, I almost dropped my phone. If it was what I thought it was, I needed to tell him he had nothing to worry about.

"We really just bonded over Nicholas and she wanted to talk to someone who understands how much Nicholas has changed." I explained.

"Oh, okay." When Solar breathed those words, I thought I had guessed his thoughts right. 

"She did ask me out, but —" 

"You should go out with her." Solar's words made my stomach clench and I stopped walking. 

"Y-you really think so?" I whispered, taking a deep breath to keep the hurt from my voice. 

"Yeah, definitely. You two would make a cute couple." 

"But.." I wanted to snap at him, to tell him he couldn't just say things like that. Not after everything we had been through. 

"I've gotta go now." Solar sighed.

When I stared at the screen, my vision turned blurry. Swallowing back the tears made me feel like I was going to explode, but I refused to let myself fall apart. At least not before I made it home. 

My heart had never been broken, but I wondered if that was what I was feeling then. If it was, I never wanted to fall for anyone again. I felt like an idiot for letting myself believe Solar could actually be interested in someone like me. 

Divine, my ass.

But why did he have to give me hope like that? Or was it all just my imagination?