Eggman becomes Forklift Certified

Forklift

EGGMAN BECOMES FORKLIFT CERTIFIED

Chapter 1

This is me

I bet you're wondering what led to this horrible conclusion to my life.
For that story... we need to go back to where all of this forklift tomfoolery really began...

Chapter 2

It all started 2 months ago. I had just come to after getting absolutely dogged on by a really fast blue hedgehog. His name... is not important. My name, however, is also not important. But, I am going to tell it to you anyway.
I am Dr. Eggman. The "brilliant" scientist who, in reality can't manage to beat a really fast blue animal.

Yep that's me. I look hot as mess to be honest. Anyway, back to the story. After I woke up from the Hedgehog-themed failure, I had a brilliant idea; a new way to finally put an end to that ring collecting, chili dog eating, child abducting, twitter using, slur saying hedgehog. This plan couldn't fail. It wouldn't fail. Well... it would... but that's not important. It wouldn't fail. I was going to run him down with a forklift.

Chapter 3

The next day, as I heard the hedgehog coming back to give me my daily broken nose and cracked ribs, I was ready. Or so I thought. As he burst through door, I readied myself. I hopped into my forklift and was ready to run him down. The blue menace proclaimed that he was ready to beat me to a pulp once more, but I had other plans.
I turned the forklift key to start up the forklift, and told the hedgehog to say his prayers. But he didn't seem worried. I was really confused to be honest. I thought the hedgehog was going to piss his non-existent hedgehog pants once he saw my glorious forklift.
Despite all of my confidence and all of my forklift, the blue quilled freak didn't seem to care one bit. And that's when I realized... I'm not forklift certified.
In order to operate a forklift you must have forklift certification... which i didn't have. This meant that I couldn't operate the forklift.
After the swift hand of the law forced me out of my worker-operated vehicle, the blue pisshog charged straight at me. In an instant half of my bones were broken to pieces... and I fell to the ground.

Chapter 4

After I woke the next morning, I felt miserable. What was I to do? I needed to run down the stonehedge with a forklift. But, that can't be done without being forklift certified.
I laid there, with my body broken into pieces. And then, even faster than last time, I had an even better, even more foolproof plan. I couldn't fail. I plan to rival all plans of the past, present, and future: I was going to become forklift certified.
I sprung out of bed and quickly got to work. I began researching every possible way to become forklift certified. And after hours of rigorous examination, I had narrowed my search down to the 3 most effective ways to become forklift certified: Take a thorough forklift instruction course, have a coffee date with someone who drives forklifts, or watch a 2 minute youtube video about forklifts. The answer was obvious. And after planning out the day I had ahead of me, I went back to bed. Sure, I had only been awake for like 30 minutes, but I needed plenty of rest for the biggest day of my life.

Chapter 5

When the hedgetard returned the next day, I was finally ready... for real this time. The stupid ugly smellyhog attempted to threaten me like usual; telling me that I might as well give up now.
But I knew better. With my forklift certification tucked neatly into my eggman eggwallet, I turned on the forklift. The rev of its engine was music to my ears. The bluetard still didn't seem to care. He was unaware of what I had become. It wasn't until I revved up the engine that the hedge spikehead began to cower in fear of my true form.
The hedgehog began to plead, beg for his life. "Wait... Eggman... we can talk about this pal," he said with beads of sweat the size of my big toe running down his face. But I had no sympathy for the blue freak.
"It's too late, Sonic. I AM FORKLIFT CERTIFIED."

I drove the forklift towards him as fast as it's OSHA regulated motor could push it. But just as my moment of glory began... it ended. The blue menace took one step to the left. And since my only knowledge of forklift operation comes from a 2 minute long youtube video, I was not prepared to turn 1 foot to the side; nor was I capable of stopping the forklift.
The forklift, with me and all of my beauty inside, crashed through the wall and off of the cliff which, convenient enough for the blue hedgebag, was located right outside my house.
My final moments were spent plummeting to my doom whilst sitting at a 90 degree angle inside of a forklift. And as the rocky ground grew ever so closer to my construction based machinery, I took my final breath, closed my eyes, and accepted my fate.