Breaths

day 05

i wish that i took a bite out of that odd escargot the last time from your mum's birthday instead of choosing the safe choice of grilled salmon. i would have known the taste of fancy-named snails or better yet whether if i liked it or not. but i didn't. because i didn't try.

i wish that i approached and talked to amanda when we were falling apart instead of letting her slip away and watching her find other groups of people be her friends. i always miss her—everyday if you only knew—until it became normal to miss her. both of us should've been good friends even until now. but we aren't. because i didn't try.

i wish that i had the guts to stand up and be brave and confident when my professor called out for any other theories and ideas. i would've given a quite reasonable and logical answer that may be reconsidered. if then, i would have been commended for my remarkable thought. but i wasn't. because i didn't try.

i wish that i didn't look down whenever i'm too shy, that way i should've watched that falling star shoot across the sky if it wasn't for your gleaming eyes. you make me nervous, jake. oh how i wish that i held your hand more often, instead of keeping them inside my pockets. i should've memorised what every crevice and bump feels like, if i paid a keener regard to the littlest things. i don't pay attention to anything when you're around, not noticing that every detail of you will hold a memory inside my being.

it is true that we are becoming life's little tramp. they fuck us up until we give up.

i hate my life.

i hate the fact that this thin tube is injected at the back of my hand. i can see it in your eyes that it makes you anxious and careful with handling my fingers. i hate it when they're putting all these different kinds of liquids into my body, it takes our time togeteher away from us. it takes my consciousness and being away from you. i hate these eyes that grow tried of being open, it hinders me from looking at you. i hate it that i'm lying on a bed, and you look at my like i am a frail, little porcelain doll. i don't want you holding back. i don't want anything to change. i don't want you to look at me differently, or else that would make me hate myself more.

please, please jake.

i. am. trying.

take me away from myself.