Diary Of A Black Empress

doop.

~this was something i wrote in 2022 to someone very dear to me. a bit cringy since i wrote it when love was shacking my head like there was no tomorrow. I'd probably regret posting this but meh, sure.

we all have those times when we think there's no love anymore. we have crazy ass thoughts of the person leaving, us hearing that horrible long epistle text ending with an;

"i don't love you anymore"
"i don't think i can do this anymore"
"i found someone else"
"i just want space"
"i'll always love you, BUT...."

but sometimes, that overthinking is honestly UNNECESSARY. it's not needed sometimes. it's crazy how we think of every scenario possible an hour after a fight with that special significant other except for one particular thought.

why do we focus on "what if she leaves me¿" or "what if she starts having second thoughts and finds someone new who can understand her¿"

what about that one particular thought that leaves us saying;
"it's just a fight, he still loves me."
"we made promises, why am i just focusing on the possibility of her breaking it by leaving me? what about the other possibility?"
"he tells you he loves me, so why am i fussing?"
"why am i forgetting those beautiful and sweet words we say to each other that gives us butterflies in our stomach¿ why am i giving into the words that were said out of anger, pain, defense?"

we are so quick to catch the dark thoughts, and so quick to forget the memories that made us love our significant other. it's sad. that's the real toxicity.

some times when we wanna try and resolve with our S.O and they don't reciprocate, it might be as a result of too much pain, lack of communication, holding on to unresolved issues that has been burning them inside.

being in love is not only about going on cute dates and intimacy. love is sacrifice, sometimes subconsciously "sacrificing" your happiness for that random word he or she said that you're so sensitive about.

and we start to think about how stupid we are for getting affected by a little word. sometimes because she replied with a "love you too" or a "you too" to your "i love you" you wrote out so perfectly with the right emoji and everything. and then you start to think if they do really love you.

***

sometimes you think if you do so many things wrongly. you even question your intelligence, you question the way you show your love to your significant other. but the reality is you're doing amazing, just the thoughts haunting you.

I
Literally cannot be
Over you till the
Very
End of time.
You mean everything to me.
Out and about, I think of
U and I, for life, together.

i wanna write so much more that's in my head. but i want you to talk. i observed so many things said by you two days ago. i don't think I've opened you in a while. i want every conversation at the moment to be about you, not me.

but hey, i got a playlist for you. these are songs i want you to listen to anytime WE hit another rock. because the lyrics are literally what i feel for you. im grateful for anne marie, honestly.

*1. Thousand Years ~ Christian Perri.*
_"i have died everyday,
waiting for you,
darling don't be afraid,
i have loved you,
for a thousand years,
i'll love you for a thousand
more."
this song represents the agony this distance has caused me, even you. i've been waiting to what feels like a thousand years, i'm gonna wait more if it means i get to be with you. i can't believe you're not gone yet. i don't deserve you, but i don't want to lose you either._