Rogue: a novella

8

It's not easy being a parent. The constant worry that always nags at the back of your mind when they are out of your sight. Are they hungry? Tired? Cold? is that weird feeling in your chest some psychic connection to them trying to tell you they're hurt or in trouble?

It's more than worrying about their safety too. It's a constant worry that you are making a mistake. The consequences of a parents actions, don't just affect the parent, but the child as well. Let's not even start wondering about the lasting effects a choice can have long term.

It's enough to make a person go crazy, but then your child laughs and it all melts away. The contradicting feelings is something that is hard to explain to anyone who doesn't already know exactly what I'm talking about.

Sometimes, it's so easy to forget that we need to let them learn and grow on their own. Especially when we just want to pull them back - Shelter them and keep them safe from the horrible things that already had to learn are out there.

Finn isn't mine biologically, but in every sense of the way, I have come to think of her as my daughter. I want to protect her from everything - every painful scar of her past and the shadow that it has cast on her future, I would wipe away in a heartbeat, no matter the cost I'd have to pay.

I want to shelter her from all of the bad that is in this world - she has seen far too much of it anyway for someone so young. I want to make her believe that everything is okay and that we are safe. But I couldn't lie to her either and neither could Thalia.

We thought about trying to spin this in a way that would make it less scary. The uncertainty and the worry that Thalia and I deal with is nothing we wanted to burden Finn with. But she is a smart and observant kid. She sensed something off from the moment that she woke up and saw Thalia and I talking in hushed voices. 

It took one look at the vulnerable expression as her wide hazel eyes bounced between us for all reason and resolve to fly out of the window. I can practically see the gears turning in her mind and the self doubt creeping in, probably making her wonder if we have decided after all this time, that she isn't worth our time anymore.

I could feel Thalia's hesitance as I spilled most of the truth to Finn, but she sat quietly, watching Finn with a cautious glance as she rubs her bump.

Despite not being told all the facts about the missing wolves, she agreed that leaving was for the best.  That didn't make it any easier to leave the home that we have created here, but it did make the choice more concrete. 

"Where will we go?" Finn has kept herself pretty well composed, and I can't decide if I should be proud that she is handling this so well, like an adult, or saddened that I can't really think of a time that she has handled herself like a kid.

Thalia and I share a look, a silent conversation moving between us as we decide how to proceed.  Our plan right now, is flexible to say the least. All we are certain about is that we want to get as far away from here as quickly as possible.

Realistically, we can't just leave though. Even if Thalia wasn't pregnant, up and leaving wouldn't be an option. We don't know how long we will be wandering until we find a new home. So we will need to be prepared for a long journey and that can take a couple of days. 

But how can we spin that to Finn in a way that will make her not worry too much about it. We want to reassure her that no matter what comes our way, she is as much ours, as the baby in Thalia's belly is and we will do anything to protect her.

"Wherever it is that we end up," Thalia starts, moving to stand behind me, placing her hand on my shoulder showing a united front, "We will be together and that's all that matters. Everything else is just clutter,"

Finn nods and for a moment, I'm worried. She's taking this well, almost too well. She stares at her feet like they are the most interesting thing in the whole world and just when I'm about to say something, Finn launches herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck.

"It will be okay," Finn whispers but I can't tell if she is talking to us or herself. I don't respond and she doesn't need me to. Instead, I hold her tight, my hands on her back with Thalia standing right behind us, running her hand down Finn's hair.

*

We plan to leave on Friday. That gives us three days to pack a few belongs, only the absolute necessities that can fit into three backpacks and any food and veggies from the garden that I can carry in a knapsack. 

Not that we have accumulated that much stuff in general. One thing about the nomad lifestyle that we live, is that we survive on very little materialistic things. Back at my birth pack, everyone collected things. As if the amount of money they have to spend on little nothings, somehow can prove they are that much better than anyone else.

It's a constant game of one up. This person bought something, so someone else has to buy something a little better, a little more expensive and the Alpha was the worst of it. It's like he had something to prove about leading us and he never let anyone forget it.

The Luna would come home with hundreds of dollars worth of new clothes or shoes. His cars would constantly change, every six months like clock work. At the time, I saw no problem with that practice - it was what it was and I was raised in it.

But now... Now I know better and realize that it was really nothing more than a toxic environment. So much money wasted, so much time wasted.

I won't say that I don't miss some of it though. I look around the house here and think of all the comforts that I want to be able to provide for Thalia And Finn. Even simple things like bedsheets that aren't torn, or a comfortable sofa that isn't made of wood, but rather soft pillows that are the best for afternoon naps.

I'm hopeful that out there, wherever it is that we end up, I will be able to find us a happy medium. The lifestyle and happiness that we have now as a family but mixed with a little more of the comforts that I am used to and that they deserve.

That's what I keep reminding myself every time I look to Thalia and see the worry on her face. The journey won't be easy, especially for her being as pregnant as she is. But she isn't complaining.

Every time our eyes meet, she gives me a small smile and I return it. I don't question the worry in her eyes, or the fact that her small smile doesn't reach her eyes.

"I love you," I tell her, wrapping my arms around her and resting my hands on her belly, "This is will be a new start for us...For our family,"

"I know," she says simply, her head leaning back to rest on my shoulder as we watch out the window as Finn talks to Iris in the garden, "I love you too,"

We are dancing around the elephant in the room and the worry that lingers in the air. We will avoid our unspoken worries. We will begin this adventure together and that is all that really matters.