How Did I Leave Her?

Chapter 1: The Shack

For old times' sake I went to the old shack we used to play in when we were little.  I thought it would be a good way to say my final goodbyes to her.  To make peace.  When I arrived it seemed unchanged in the three years since we had been there.  Then I walked in and saw what she had been using it for while I was gone.  

On one wall was a table and two chairs, though one looked like it hadn't been used in a while.  She had never given up hope that one day I'd come back to her.  Now I felt even worse I hadn't gotten to her in time.  The old bookshelf was filled with about every magazine we had ever been in.

  On top of the small shelving unit was a picture of us from when we were little.  It was the day of her 10th birthday, the year I had given her the worst birthday present, unless you count the second part only the two of us know about.  I had given her some lame CD, but after the party we had come here and we both had our first kiss.  I smiled thinking about how naïve we were.  In the picture she was in the adorable white lace dress I had always loved to see her in, and I was in a plaid shirt and jeans.  We had our arms around each other and we were both smiling about as big as we ever had. Around our pictures she had written little phrases like "Will he come back for me?" and "I wonder if he remembers who I am" that just about made me cry.

  There were a few more pictures like it, all covered with little wonderings that made me miss her so much my  heart felt like it were literally splitting in half.  It was entirely my fault.  I know they all say there was nothing I could have done, but I know it's really all my fault.  I put down the pictures and see some of our old letters we used to send to each other.  We would pretend we were secret agents and would put messages in each other's mail box in a code she and I had configured.  Later we had passed notes in school in the code, completely mystifying our classmates who tried to snoop on our conversations.  The letters were now tear stained, and it was obvious she had cried over these letters here, after I had left.  New tears joined the dried ones on the page, the both of our sorrow over the other mingled on the page, but neither of us cared.  We were both heartbroken.  I saw a newer page; still tear stained, but not quite as aged as the others.  In her beautiful, neat handwriting was a diary entry she had left in among the letters.

I wish I had said the things I decided to keep until he came home.  Every day I pray he'll come back for me like he said he would. I refuse to give up hope.  No matter what they say, I will not believe that he has left me forever.  Maybe they won't let him see me.  But he'll come, I know it.

I can write fluently in code now, I guess it's all these little letters I write.  I'm not even sure who I'm writing these too.  Myself I guess.  I love him.  I don't know when it happened, or how I found out, but now that he's gone I know I love him.  I only wish I could have told him before he slipped away.

-Lucy Ann Brown

I placed the letters back on the shelf and picked up an old digital recorder.  I bought this for her when she turned 16, the last birthday I celebrated with her before I left.  She had almost filled up the memory, and I hit play to hear her voice again, even if it wasn't really her.  I heard her take a shaky breath and begin to speak.

"If you ever hear this, know that I love you.  You can say it better than me.  Here it goes."  She launched right into Truly, Madly, Deeply.  She had a beautiful voice.  I had never heard her sing before I left.  Now, laced with pain and mourning it was amazing.  Untrained, amateur, under grown, but beautiful.  When she finished she continued with One Thing.  I sat and listened for what must have been hours as she sang every song we had ever sung.  In the slow songs her voice showed the pain that was meant to be conveyed so well that I started crying again.  The fast, happy songs seemed to express her undying hope that I would come for her.  But I didn't come until it was too late.  She was gone.  For good.  I'd never see her again.  They seemed to be sarcasm instead of true happiness like the songs were originally sung. As she finished she whispered four words.  "Goodbye, I love you."  That was it.  As I placed the recorder back on the shelf I thought of us playing together as kids, and as I closed my eyes I could see it.  I watched all my memories of her like one long movie.  I saw us grow up, ages slowly creeping upward.  Then I saw the day I left, which I remember perfectly.  

I had already auditioned and gotten in; I was heading off to boot camp in London.  I knew if I lasted most of the show I could be gone for months, but singing was what I wanted to do.  It was the only thing I could see myself doing, and if I was going to support a family someday I would have to be a big singer.  Singing in pubs and on street corners wouldn't provide for a family.  As I hugged her goodbye I whispered in her ear, "I'll comeback for you."  

"You promise?" she asked, her eyes swimming with tears she refused to let escape.  She had a pathetic look, one that says 'Protect me, I'm vulnerable and alone.'  

"Of course, I couldn't leave you for good now could I?  And besides, it's not like ever if I win I won't ever get to visit home."

"I know, but those are visits.  I want to know you'll come back for me and stay forever."

"I promise I will come back for you." 

I don't know how I got in that car, but I did.  I left, telling Lucy and myself that I probably wouldn't get very far anyway.  Then One Direction happened.  Then made it through Judges Houses.  And live week one.   And two.  And three.  And five.  And seven.  And ten.  And then we got signed and three years flew by.  I thought about Lucy commonly, no one knew it but me, but back for you off our take me home album was for her, not just my girlfriend, Elle.  Then one day I got the news that Lucy was gone.  Disappeared.  No one knew where she had gone or why she had suddenly disappeared.  No one but me.  She was gone because she had finally given up hope I would come back for her.  And now I would probably die without ever getting to see her again.  

I knew I had probably been gone for a long time, and I didn't want them to find this place, so I left and walked the impossible-to-see-unless-you-know-it-was-there path back to the street.  I made it back to my house, but sat in the yard, not wanting to deal with the guilt I would get from Lucy's crying mom.  I sat outside and cried my heart out.  You know all those stories about heart break?  They're right, but they don't quite get the depth of the ache.  It was this searing pain, like someone was holding a hot iron to my heart, but it permeated my heart, my soul, my entire being radiated the pain.  If I was going to have to live the rest of my life like this I didn't see a reason to live.  Then Liam came outside.  He sat down next to me and didn't say anything at first.  He had been through his share of pain; he knew that in situations like this, the words anyone else says are meaningless.  You only care about the one person who will never come and comfort you.

"I know." He said.

Those two words were worth more to me than all the useless "I'm so very sorry" s and "My condolences to you and your families" s or "it seems hard right now, but you'll see the light soon" s.  They didn't try to hide the pain, or ignore or dismiss it.  They recognized my heart ache and said "I've been there."

"Thanks."

"You loved her, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I loved her.  Back for You was dedicated to her too."

"You talked to Elle recently?"

"Not much since we broke up."

There were no more words to say.  We both understood perfectly.  We just sat in a compatible silence, thinking to ourselves.  After about an hour he stood, stretched, and held a hand out to help me up.  

"If you want to come inside, Lucy's and your mom are asleep now."

At first I thought I would just stay out here, but then I thought 'why not?' and took Liam's hand.  We walked back inside to the rest of the boys, who like Liam, just came and patted me on the back.  We all went to my room, which had been filled with air mattresses so the whole room was one huge mattress.

We all lay down, side by side.  Me in the middle, the others beside me, two on each side.  I fell asleep like that, the ache of my throbbing heart not gone, but eased by the caring presence of the four best friends I had left.  You here about your dreams being haunted by the person you're broken for in all those songs and stories, but maybe that's only after some amount of time has passed, because I slipped into a blissfully dreamless sleep.