A Place I Can Go

First Meeting: prt 1

My eyes felt heavy and my throat felt like it was closing up because every breath I took was strained. I fumbled with my keys desperately wiping away my tears that seemed uncontrollable not wanting to be seen in this state by innocent bystanders. Everything really happened in a blur and I found myself staring at the ceiling in our kitchen, my eyes catching a break from the pit in my stomach. The booming music from next door made me succumb to even more tears.

Jeremiah didn't want to admit that he had issues with his anger and I'll admit sometimes I decided to pick my battles carefully and block most of them out. We had been paired up for only 3 months now and his facade was already starting to chip away. I could take the random outburst and jabs because he always ended up apologizing when he snapped back. This time was different. He'd never gone this far before.

I got up not really thinking and my feet led me to my balcony faintly littered with bouncing colors flowing from the city. I was so concentrated on how cool the wind felt on my exposed arms. Looking down at them I pulled my sleeves down to cover the bruises colorfully displayed on my lower section. The whiplash overcame me so much that it took me a while to become aware of the other figure present. I quieted my sniffles and tried to pretend that everything was fine and normal. Glancing over at his fairly lit patio I could see that he was smoking a cigarette.

He seemed pretty out of it and without really looking at me he simply asked "Rough night?" I looked over to his red and snotty nosed with my mouth in a straight lined kind of smile. My eyes widened in recognition because I'd pass him in the lobby on the way to do laundry occasionally.

"Oh shit" he stumbled trying to adjust in his seat kicking over the can of beer that he was probably well acquainted with. "That's actually so embarrassing for you" I said jokingly laughing as he tried to scoop up the bubbling liquid pouring out of the can. I could see him smirk under the gloom and fix himself once again in the rickety lawn chair. "You wanna know what's embarrassing? What I had to do to get this beer."

I looked at him with confusion clear on my face and in a second he continued,"Who said that? Shut-up" then proceeded to take his phone out from under his chair. I turned away from him already being fond of the sudden distraction from current events. I could feel the dried tears on my cheeks and soon my quiet sulking was once again interrupted by a soft melody in the air heard very faintly over the music inside behind us. My stranger's rough voice soon joined in and I slumped deeper into the chair I sat in.

My eyes opened in remembrance of the bag that sat quietly in the cabinet of my wooden side table. I opened it carefully, reaching in the side pocket of the bag and pulling out a medicine container. Popping open the bottle I carefully placed two of the red pills in my mouth and not wanting to go back in for water swallowed it dry. These days hospitals are so busy with the cases popping up from the new courting processes that they decided to make these pills in order to in their words "make things go smoother." I'm sure they were created to shut women up but they work in my favor because it helps me forget. Most of the time.

The booming music suddenly got louder as the door whooshed open from behind my new balcony buddy. With my eyes closed trying to focus on the song playing on his phone a voice pierced through,"Yooo what are you doing out here? You can't hang?" The new guy was obviously as intoxicated as his friend who was now all the way slouched in his chair with his eyes closed just like mine previously were. He seemed to jolt awake and when his eyes opened he looked at me and seemed to squint. "Just resting my eyes. I think I saw an angel out here actually."

I scoffed at his sudden attempt at flirting and turned his way,"Don't get all horny on me now we were just having a moment." He and his friend laughed at my comment but it was shortly cut off by the attention being placed on the luster coming from my hand. The ring on my finger glistening even in the dark symbolized how far I was in the matching process. Even though me and Jeremiah were not yet married, the ring was a big deal and it was highly frowned upon to talk this casually with men outside of family. I guess the pills were already working because I'd have never slipped up like this before.

I was caught off guard by the guy in the chair's reaction because he'd hardly flinched at all at this revelation. Instead, he looked at me with pity and I was once again confused by his chain of response. His friend was the exact opposite and practically lugged neighbor guy from the chair wanting to get as far away as he could from this situation. I caught a glimpse of anger on his face and I immediately felt bad for putting them in potential danger. Right before disappearing back into the apartment he said,"You're invited over by the way. I'd just rather your darling dearest not find out, yeah?" Shocked, my mouth hung open because of the recklessness of his words. The two then made their exit not without one last glance and I was left there alone in my dazed stupor.

After maybe ten minutes I headed inside and went straight to my bathroom mirror to inspect the damage done by tonight. I was definitely a sight for sore eyes. Turning the faucet on cold and I scrubbed the smudged mascara and dried tears away aggressively.

I heard the front door open and close softly and my blood ran cold, my body tensing immediately. I couldn't quite think straight and I feel like I was more on edge than ever. He appeared at the door frame, placing his hand on the door handle with his eyes cast. I lowered my head in an attempt to cover my very obvious red and low eyes. "I'm sorry Soph. I know you probably don't want to talk right now and.... Just come to bed alright?" He stood for a while waiting for an answer then slowly reached out to touch my arm. I backed away instinctively and when I looked up at him he had a deep frown on his face. He backed away, turning to walk towards the bedroom looking back to glance at me one last time.

Once he was gone I released a breath I didn't realize I was holding. I knew I would eventually give in and forgive him because he made forgiving him so sweet and easy. We'd been living together for less than 3 months and already he was acting differently. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath trying to push away the negative feelings. Everything was so perfect before, how did everything change so quickly. I was finally pulled away from the mirror by the dissonance of music next door.

I'm not even sure why I gave going over there a second thought because that was a death sentence. It was only a question of who would get to me first, Jeremiah or the authorities. I gained my composure once again and decided to just go to bed. I walked to the bedroom and silently opened the door, the light seeping into the pitch darkness. I caught a glimpse of his sleeping figure but didn't trust it. Walking over to the edge of the bed I pulled up the covers and quickly got situated. Just like all the other nights Jeremiah reached out for my figure and pulled me close. "I love you forever. Just know I'm never letting you go." I cringed and a tear fell silently from my cheek slowly lulling me to sleep.