Behind the Closed Door

They say the true value of something, can only be realized when you lose it. I must have read this quote somewhere but it was on that day, that I realized how true they are.

 The stench of Iodine and Death was evident in the dim-lit hallway of the hospital. Dad was inside the ICU, it was a Heart attack. Sitting outside I couldn't help but think how all those years ago, I had closed the door to the only family I had. I had spent my entire life hating my father, staying away from him, and now that he was leaving I could not endure it.

 I still remembered the storm that led to all this destruction.I was 18 and had just gotten into my dream college. Mamma was painting in the backyard with me. It was a night of celebration for both of us. Dad was not with us, he hadn't been for the past many years. He was somewhere gambling and drinking. It did not bother us anymore. We had learned to live with his absence, content with each other.The night was not perfect, there was a lingering rain cloud and it was a little too cold to be outside. But that's what Mama loved. "Imperfection makes things unique and beautiful in its way Noor." That's what she used to say. 

 Mamma was working on her new painting, humming along to the song that was playing, while I was preparing the barbeque that we both loved.Everything changed in the blink of an eye. One moment we were giddy with all the happiness and then next mamma clutched her heart and started gasping for breath. With tears staining her face and a wheezing voice she said "Noor...water". I was terrified and breathless. My hands were trembling, how I summoned the will to do anything that day is unknown. But that's how life is, forcing you to become strong in your weakest moments.I rushed inside to get water when I returned the sight made me go numb. Mamma was sprawled across the ground, eyes closed. The rest of the night was just a blur. Taking mamma to the hospital, waiting for hours in the corridor, and everything else. Yet one memory is crystal clear, me desperately trying to contact my father, clinging to that imaginary support. That night I realized that the one person I had, my mother was lost. Like the twin stars, our worlds revolved around each other so how was I supposed to continue without her. That is when I decided to live the life my mother dreamed of me.I moved out of that house within a week and started a new journey in college.

 For years I had no contact with Dad even though he tried numerous times. It is said 'the things that you run from, somehow always find a way to you.' I didn't even realize 10 years had passed since I left my home until an amateur mistake cost me my job and I lost my rented apartment due to COVID-19. I had nowhere to go except to my old house. 

The void left by mamma had made this place a stranger, no longer a Home. I expected it to be agonizing to return here, what I did not expect was to see my father trying to reconcile with me. Stuck together in Lockdown with the person I hated most, it felt like hell. Dad did not drink or gamble anymore. He was trying to make a decent life for himself. None of it could change my perspective or revive mamma. He tried to mend things but I could not reciprocate.

 I was trying to fall asleep when I heard a sudden loud noise. I rushed downstairs, not realizing I was descending into the past. I saw Dad lying unconscious in the backyard, just like all those years I had seen Mumma. My heart sank as dread rushed over me. Once again, everything was a blur as I rushed him to the hospital.Now here I was praying for that one last fragment of the family I had. 

Dad had two major operations and was admitted for 3 months. I still remember the relief I felt when the doctors told me that he was fine now. I reconciled and made amends with him as soon as he gained consciousness. 

We returned home and I knew it was time to make new memories in this house. Things were still a little uncomfortable between us, it felt like treading on glass. We both tried to avoid mentioning certain topics and bitterness still found a way to creep into the mind sometimes.It was late and I was silently going through each task, giving Dad his medicines, taking his vitals, and noting everything. 

"Noor, I need your help." Dad suddenly broke the silence. His sudden request made me anxious if something was wrong.

 "What is it, Dad?" I was worried if some unease has crept into my voice."Under my bed, there's a box. Take it out." 

His breathing was still heavy due to the medicines. I bent down and found an old large dust-covered box. Taking it out, I rested it on the bed, beside him. 

"Open It." He nudged me to go ahead. Brushing off the dust I opened it, It took me a moment to realize what was in the box. It was Mama's last painting, the same one that she was working on the day I...no we lost her. . I was sobbing loudly, Dad hugged me trying to comfort me. I saw his eyes fill up as well. 

"I am so sorry, my love. I am so sorry I was not there when you both needed me the most. Trust me I have regretted it every single day of my life. I promise you I will do everything I can to become a good man for you. I love you my child and I am proud of the person you have grown up to be."We are still healing from all the wounds of our past. I miss Mom every single day but the void left by her is no longer a black hole, sucking in all my happiness. Now it is a blank space that I am trying to fill with her memories and my love. 

Sometimes, we close the doors that were not meant to be closed. But, it all depends on us,  we have the key to open them. And if you think about it, these doors are always wide open we just have to take that necessary step, that necessary leap of faith. Behind these closed doors, there is a whole new world of new perspectives and old memories waiting for us.