⚠️tw? panic attack, mentions of self harming (like pushing back cuticles, scratching skin until it bleeds etc. mentions of blood)
credits to @adoringashtray for the idea!❤️
You were at the Waltons house, in Jayla's room. Javon, your boyfriend was sitting down and your head was on his lap. you were all having a great time listening to all your favourite songs, making drafts on TikTok, you were all waiting on your food to be delivered, you all made jokes and laughed.
"I'm boreddd" Jayla whined unnecessarily loudly, and you laughed.
"ooh lets go live guys" she suggested. except it wasn't really a suggestion, more of a statement.
You don't really have a problem with large groups, sometimes. You go on live now and again, you enjoyed it too, but you always got hate and you hate the idea of not one or two, but hundreds of people judging you. Some Javon and Jayla's fans were so mean and they would say the meanest of things, you tried to ignore them but it's harder than you think.
Javon knows about this, he would never force you to go live, he knows that it can scare you sometimes, Jayla however, did not know about this. And you don't know why but you were kinda embarrassed to tell her.
Javon looks at you with a concerned look when Jayla said we should go live. A look that said 'you don't have to y/n' or 'say no if you want to'. you smile reassuringly, he doesn't seem completely convinced but he seems to let It go.
while Jayla is setting the live up and quickly cleaning her room, You get up off of Javons lap and rest your head on his shoulder, Javon then rests his head on your head (like Javon and Jayla in that one live but I don't know how to explain it sorry)
"okay I'm gonna start alright?" Jayla says while glancing at you's quickly before pressing the button to go live.
"sup guyssss, we were bored so we went live" Jayla says enthusiastically and you smile.
"what's good ya'll" Javon says in his regular sweet voice.
"heya people" you say awkwardly and you all start laughing.
It was mostly Jayla in the live, every once In a while you and Javon would answer a question, or laugh at something or whatever.
Your hands start sweating so you rub them against your thighs a few times, while taking in slow breaths (it wasn't noticeable to the live it just looked like you were breathing deeply if that makes sense) Then you pinch your skin with your long nails leaving small, but deep marks.
Jayla and Javon are too distracted by the live to notice this. you start scratching the skin on the top of your palm (like beside your knuckles if that makes sense), part of you doesn't even realise you doing it, you keep scratching and you start feeling a burning sensation, you look down at your hand to see it bleeding, you look at your nails to see they have a small amount of blood of them too. your breathing is uneven and it feels like there's a heavy weight on your chest, like someone or something is sitting on you, preventing your from breathing normally. you pull on your clothes a bit because it feels like they're too tight.
Not knowing what else to do you slightly tap on Javon. Then you remember your on live which makes you panic even more.
Javon's pov :
I'm just answering questions on the live when I feel a few small taps on my shoulder. I turn around to see Y/n. She's tugging on the neck line of her shirt like its hurting her. Her hand was red and bloody but it wasn't noticeable because she pulled her sleeve down and Her breathing is uneven. She was was trembling a small bit. She looked like she was on the verge of tears and her leg was bouncing up and down rapidly.
"we're just going to get some water" I say. Most people were probably looking at Jayla who was doing her 'shovel' dance. I lift y/n up and try to hide her from the live. I would lift her up but that would bring too much attention to us so I help her walk instead.
I bring her into my room and lay her on the bed and kneel beside her. I try to tell her to breath and that she was okay, that I was here.
Tears drop from her eyes onto her face, her hands were covering her face. It broke my heart to see her like this. I should've noticed her before.
"y/n I need you to breath with me. alright?" i gently grab face in my hands so she can see me. I wipe her tears with my thumbs and I breath, she seems to be copying me and it looks like she's calming down. I get up from the floor and sit on the bed beside her.
Her breathing is getting a lot better. I hug her tightly, I didn't know what else to do.
Your pov :
He hugs me tightly, I breath in his scent because I found it so comforting, and I smile into the hug, We stay in a comfortable silence for a few minutes just hugging and him rubbing my back.
"thank you Wanna, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you and Jayla on the live" I say breaking the silence.
he pulls away from the hug and looks at me.
"you could never embarrass me or Jayla y/n don't say ever that. are you Okay? I'm so sorry sorry I didn't notice sooner" he says. he sounded a bit stressed and worried.
"no Wanna, you helped me so much thank you. and yeah I'm fine now just a bit tired" you respond smiling reassuringly.
without a word he lies down on the bed pulling you down by your waist. you put your head on his chest a fall asleep with the sound of his heartbeat.
a/n I'm sorry if this is bad or doesn't make sense I'm currently writing this at 3:39 am so I'm quite tired. :))
remember to drink some water and eat something.
feel free to request because I love them all <3
hope ya'll are alright❤️
