Sealed With a Kiss

Thirty Two Pt. I

XXXII: Change

MY LUNGS BURNED. There was the ever-present tightening in my lower stomach, the quiver in the muscles in my legs protesting. I felt winded and tired, but I pushed on. Because after all, it wasn't all terrible. The wind felt good on my overheated skin, the view of the rising sun beautiful, and even though I felt like death now I know I'll feel energized later.

In the last few weeks, I've picked up running. I'm not sure how it started. One night I was lying around the apartment, my tears dry on my cheeks, when I looked around the messy, dark room and felt the sudden surge to move. It was three in the morning when I stood up and threw away all the half empty takeout boxes and trash bag full of tissues. I went out there holding two weeks worth of rubbish, felt the cool breeze of dusk and closed my eyes.

I stood out there for almost an hour, just enjoying the early morning weather against the brick wall of the side of my building. I hadn't been out for days, I couldn't handle the paparazzi camped out outside the galley, hoping to follow me home. I couldn't stand watching television where every commercial break they advertised talks shows that showed footage of the newest scandal to hit the gossip mill.

Word of things had finally broken out and the Richmonds were refusing to release a comment. Coupled with their reluctance to speak was my own disappearance, and that fed everyone's enthusiasm. It was all over the Internet, all over the television, all over magazines.

That same night I went for a jog. Well, it was more of a limp-jog in between stops where I would grip the wall panting. I've gotten better every day, graduating from a barely-jog to a full out run. Faster, father, longer, I've trained myself to propel all my feelings into the soles of my feet and for an hour every morning I don't think. I operate though that hour mechanically, simply running and breathing and focusing on the feel of the rising sun on my bare skin.

My apartment was only a block away, so I slowed down to a steady jog. It wasn't until I was a few yards away that I dropped to a walk, rising my hands above my head to stretch my cramping abdomen. I pulled my earbuds out and listened to the chirping of birds, to the sound of early traffic. It was nice, these last few moments before I walked back into reality. I've learned to appreciate them.

As I made my way into the apartment, I tried not to dwell on the darkness that loomed in my mind, begging to break free. It would be so easy to think of eyes the color of icebergs and smiles that warm to the core. It would be so easy to close my eyes and touch my lips and imagine the taste of his kiss, the smell of his cologne, the feel of his body next to mine. It would be so easy to succumb to thinking about him, just for those few moments where everything had seemed perfect. But I know what the cost of those thoughts is, I've been paying the darkness fees for weeks.

Instead I breathed through the pain just as I do when I run, until it was manageable and I could walk with purpose into the restroom, thoughts of him pushed to the back of my mind.

Once I was showered, I stood eyeing the outfit I spent all evening picking out. I was nervous. Today is the day I put on a brave face and brace the world once more. After nearly six weeks of hiding out, I'm taking charge of my life again.

I'm done mourning a lie.

Because that's what it was--a lie, an allusion. But in that time, I gave myself freely to someone and I know what it feels like to love now. It's not what people say it is. It's pain and suffering. It's a trade. It's a risk. You make the trade, you give everything you have in hopes that he will do the same. And when he didn't, I was left in shambles. Now it's time to build myself up again.

I cried for hours after I received Remy's voicemail two weeks ago. I had finally gotten around to getting a replacement for the phone I shattered that day, and I was shocked to find dozens of messages. There was many worried messages from Elle and Hannah, even a couple from Max which surprised me. I had tons of angry ones from Felicity demanding to know where I was and if I was alright. She was angry, but not at me. She even left what she called the 'Richmond Coup' as a message. It was her plan to murder all of them and 'dance on their burnt ashes.' I admit that one made me smile a little. I missed my friends.