Thieving my heart

The Dog Humping Incident

"Aaaaah sevenya....blah de la alexei na hyeta hai" is the babhle I hear before a massive lump falls onto me crushing my dreams alongside myself.

"Not today thank you." I grumble to my immature cousin.
"But I need a cooked breakfast and unless you want the house to be burnt down you're gonna have to cook it." Josh says in a chirpy voice
"Why can't your mother cook it or I don't know just have rice krispies?" I say snuggling deeper under my duvet.
"Firstly: mum isn't here; she went out last night with Sharon and probably got too drunk so stayed at said friends house.
Segundo...ly: I think in the year you spent without me you forgot how I'm totally perfect apart from the fact that I can't cook without fire being created.
Also thirdly" Josh paused "rice krispies cannot quench my hunger and if I'm gonna beat the guys at football I need energy ie. A cooked breakfast."
"OK if I'm being totally honest here I listened to about 3/8 of that." I say trying to salvage my nice dream about Logan Lerman and nutella.
Turning to Josh to punch him away I can see a glint in his eyes meaning only one thing...
Oh no
"I'm begging you please don't do this." I say, fear filling my voice
"You give me no choice" Josh shouts as he starts tickling me

Tickling is definitely my weak point and Josh knows it...whenever I refuse to do anything he tickls me and like the wuss I am I beg him to stop and end up doing whatever stupid thing he wants me to do. He's the reason I have broken my bones many times: once falling off of a bike trying to do a flip...trying to jump off of a cliff, and also seeing whether i could stay on top of a moving car. For the record I can't.

After 10 seconds I am already offering to make him breakfast (I would offer to rob a bank to stop anyone from tickling me) and pull the duvet off of me.
Knowing he has won Josh goes downstairs to hopefully get the food out.
After Stretching and hearing my bones crack I roll out of bed. Going into the bathroom I wash my face quickly and put my hair into a top knot.
I pass a mirror and realise that I'm still wearing my clothes from last night.
Ugh...why am I so lazy?
Finding my suitcase I flip the top open and grab some trackies and a t shirt. I really can't be bothered this morning.
Hopping down the stairs I realise that I've forgotten my phone and trek back up the them to find it as well as my charger. Going back downstairs and into the kitchen I can see Josh taking the mushrooms out of the fridge.
"Hey where's the socket?"
"Over there" Josh points with a vague flick of his wrist.
"Wow! You are officially the most helpful person ever." I say, sarcasm dripping from my mouth
Going over to the direction Josh pointed to I can see a socket and plug my phone in. Deciding to listen to some music while I cook breakfast I turn Fallout Boy's latest album on and 'American beauty/American phycho' starts playing.
"At least your music can make up for your annoyingness." Josh says smiling.
"Whereas with you nothing can make up for the fact that you are the most annoying person on earth. And also please you love me: I'm fucking hilarious."
"oh ya sure"
Flipping him off I turn the hob on and find the butter to heat up for the mushrooms.
"she's an American beauty, I'm an American psycho." I start singing as Josh starts joining in.
"Together we could totally take on beyoncé." Josh says as the song stops and fourth of July starts playing.
"totes" I ssay putting my fakest American accent on.
We both laugh and even though it hasn't even been a day I already feel more at home than I ever have before.
Josh and Lily (my auntie) have always been there for me and when they moved to America I cried and stayed in ny room for days. I literally felt as it my heart has ripped in half. So a year later, when they were able to legally bring me over here I jumped at the chance. It was as if nothing had changed.
Sensing my quietness Josh comes over and hugs me...just as the fire alarm goes off.
"shit" I scream as the high pitched beep fills the house and I grab a towel to waft around the sensor.
I can hear a camera clicking and I realise Josh just took a picture of me looking like a mad woman.
"Delete that now or your balls won't live to see another day." I threaten
"I'm good." He says knowing that its just an empty threat.
"Ugh, I hate you sometimes."
"Oh puhlease" Josh says trying and failing to imitate me "you love me and I'm fucking hilarious."
Flipping him off again I rush over to the food and stir the mushrooms, flip the bacon and put the toast in. Thank God nothing has burnt.
"How many eggs do you want?" I ask Josh as he laughs at something on his phone.
"I dunno...like 4?"
"I worry for your stomach somethes." I say as I go to the fridge to retrieve 6 eggs (the other 2 for me)
"I would worry more for my hot body, the way some girls go for me."
"EEEW I dont want to hear about your possible sex life"
" Oh its not possible, it's definite. this accent gets all the ladies" Josh says whilst wiggling his eyebrows.
" Well just make sure you don't end up with any little Joshlings...I can barely handle one at the moment."I say trying to look serious and furrowing my eyebrows.
The toast pops up as I crack the eggs into the frying pans and I ask Josh to butter his toast hoping he can't fuck that up.
Uma Thurman starts playing as I serve the breakfast and Josh looks at his plate hungrily.
"Race you!" he shouts and stuffs 1 egg and as many mushrooms into his mouth as possible. I finish my eggs really quickly and start tearing the toast and push it into my mouth. This has escalated quickly. Josh has yolk down his chin as he continues shovelling mushrooms into his mouth and toaat. We look an absolute mess I'm sure and it comes down to the final seconds where we are both trying to swallow our food the fastest. Gulping down my food I jump shouting "I'm the winner" the same time Josh does.
"I had more food than you, so obviously I'm the winner." Josh says in a really serious tone. It's anything but serious however as I can't stop laughing at the yolk down his t-shirt and a stray mushroom on his cheek
"I don't know what you're laughing at missy" he says with a chuckle "you should see yourself."
I run over to a mirror in the hallway and realise I look like I was in a food fight.
"OK,, I officially look the worst so I am the awesome winner." I say with a triumphant smile as I run upstairs leaving Josh to wash up.
Stripping my now dirty clothes off I step into the shower and stay in there for about 25 minutes. Wrapping a towel around myself I go back into my room and change into black high-waisted jeans and a dark blue top with 'GAMER' on it. Putting on one green sock and a pink one I brush my hair and put it into a top knot and leave it to dry naturally.
That reminds me, I need to call Lexi and tell her I haven't died yet.
Where's my phone?
Oh yeah, downstairs.
Exiting my still extremely disorganized room I shout "Admit defeat Josh or I will be forced to tell all of your female admirers about the time I found a dog humping you." As I run down the stairs.
Entering the kitchen I am faced with what I'm guessing are three extremely hot guys, no scrap that GREEK GODS (I can only imagine what their backs must look like) and my cousin all staring at me with equally shocked faces.
"I'm gonna kill you." Josh shouts as he runs after me

I'm gonna start digging my grave, right about now....yep, I'm dead.

*******
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