Living and Dying with Jasmine Hill

Chapter Two

Trigger Warning: gaslighting, sh, da.

First Person

I wasn't out to my parents. John and Sabrina are pretty welcoming of almost everything but changes of thoughts and opinions. I've dated a few guys and Jasmine was the only girlfriend I've ever had. Like I told Jasmine, I'm not really sure what label fits me best or who I'm really attracted to and on what level.

So if I told my parents now - or when I was alive - that I'm bi-sexual, that's what I would always be to them. Even after I stopped dating guys and told them that I am lesbian, hypothetically.

Pretty early on in my life I realized that they understand their assumptions aren't truth. So anytime I wasn't sure about something, even something like what I wanted to do when I grew up, I'd let them make their own conclusion.

And that's what I did with my sexuality. I didn't necessarily hide the fact that I liked women, I just didn't solidify their assumptions. So when Jasmine started being a bigger part of my life, I let them know I liked her; and when she asked me to be her girlfriend, I let them know she was my girlfriend.

So in a sense I was out about my sexuality, but I wasn't out about the specific label to anyone, even myself. I think that's the only problem I have with dying young: I didn't know who I was.

~~~~~~

16 months ago

"What do you plan on doing after high school?" Jasmine asked. We were in my bed, like most days, doing nothing and just cuddling. She was on her back with her arm around me and I laid with my head on her chest and arm resting on her stomach scrolling through tiktok. When she spoke I looked up at her, she had been so quiet I thought she was asleep.

"Go to college," I answered vaguely.

"No, I mean like, what's your big picture?"

I looked up at her for a second tracing her jawline with my eyes before propping myself up to actually see her face. "Go to college, graduate, getting engaged, by a house with my fiancé, getting married with a big wedding, work, a couple years down the road have a kid or two. And then just be happy." I said watching her face, trying to figure out why she was asking this.

"Do you think if you did all that you would really be happy?" She asked quietly making eye contact.

I sighed looking away from her and then crawling off the bed "I guess I'll find out." I mumbled slipping on some pants, "do you want a snack?"

~~~~~~

The first few months of us, was amazing, one of the best things to ever happen to me. So many amazing memories were made and, through her, I made some of the best friends I've ever had.

But every once in a while she would ask questions like that. It's not a bad things that she asked those things, but she would ask them at the strangest times.

One day the answer to the question turned into a fight, our first fight. Now looking back our first fight was our biggest red flag. The first fight in a relationship usually shows how the rest of the fights, or the relationship, itself might be.

~~~~~

13 Months ago

*Trigger Warning*
"Are you going to adopt your kids?" She asked. I glanced at her from the passenger seat on our way back from Rachel's Halloween party.

"If it turns out I can't have my own, yeah," I answered pulling my foot up in the seat leaning back a little.

"You want to have your own kids?" She asked her jaw clenching a little. I noticed that and furrowed my eyebrows a little not sure why she was suddenly defensive.

"Um, yeah, I think that's an experience I would like to have, I wanna have that moment with that kid, the first time holding my baby." I said smiling at the thought.

"Don't you think that's a little selfish?" She shot. I pulled back a little at the harshness of her words.

"Uhm, no?"

"I think it is, not to mention you probably can't have kids," she said shrugging like there was nothing wrong with what she had said.

"Why wouldn't I be able to have my own kids?"

"You've told me about your sex life before you moved here, all that plan b probably made you infertile."

"That's literally not even close to accurate,"

"What how much unprotected sex you had?"

"No that plan b can make you infertile."

"Do you really think that you would be a good parent? You kid would probably be a teen parent."

"Why are you doing this?" I finally said facing her in my seat. She stayed face forward but I could see a small smile on her lip.

"Doing what?"

"Calling me a slut with out saying it, if you think I'm a slut, that's fine, because I am, but I don't see why you being so mean about it."

"I'm not calling you slut," she said shrugging as she took our exit. I looked at her in disbelief before turning in my seat again.

"Are you a slut, because if you were we'd have some problems," she said leaning towards me the tiniest bit like she was trying to hear me better. "Are you cheating on me?" She quietly asked turning into my neighborhood.

"I'm a slut not a cheater."

After that we didn't talk for about three days. But then the movie that she was so excited about finally came out. I figured that the first time together after a fight like that would be best in a movie theater, someplace we didn't have to talk that much.

~~~~~~

*Trigger Warning*

She never apologized, and now, I hate myself for not being it up. She also never apologized for any of the other fights, and I never brought them up. We just wouldn't talk for a couple days, give each other time and space to cool down.

I told myself that I would never admit to this; but during the last few months of my life, my substance abuse shot through the roof. If I hadn't have died that night, due to laced weed, I probably would've tried the coke it was laced with. Because of her affect on me.

With every look on the word she was death of me. She took the happy girl that sometimes smoked weed, drank and partied out me; she took the short sleeves, skirts, and dresses out of my wardrobe; then she finished by taking the life from my body.

Jasmine caught me in her trap May 3rd, 2019 started killing me October 31 2019, and finally finished the job May 3rd 2019.

This one's a bit short but I wanted to get something out and I feel like it has everything important in it. I also wrote this on the loose, it's a bit insensitive to the topic, but it's when my creative juices get flowing. Anyways hope you enjoy and continue to enjoy.