Macie's Story

9

(January 22nd, 8 days old)

The drive had been mostly quiet as of yet, with the radio playing 90's hits quietly in the background as Jay focused on the road, Hailey keeping her gaze locked on the streets quickly passing by outside. A few times had a conversation been sparked but moments later the truck would naturally fall silent again as the pair made their way to Med.

This had fast become a part of their daily routine, waking up and heading to the NICU to spend a few hours with their daughter before stopping off somewhere for lunch and going back home, where they would sit on the laptop and look through things for the baby - or more commonly at this moment, what they could do as parents of a septic premature baby, which as it turns out, was not a lot.

Not much had been spoken between the two regarding a few nights prior, and it was a topic that the two avoided all together. It hadn't exactly been a great night for either of them, the realization of everything that had happened in this last week coming down hard on both of them, especially Hailey. Whenever the conversation of what happened that night and why they didn't make it Molly's comes up, the two quickly lie and change the subject.

But as Hailey thought back to a few nights ago, and she remembers the crushing weight she felt coming down on to her chest when she saw the single line on the test, she swallowed hard and subtly shook her head, swiftly changing the subject in her head to one she had been thinking about also.

She glanced at Jay in the driver's seat and without noticing, she whispers out, "Can I ask you something?"

While keeping his focus on the road, he nods. "Yeah, course."

Hailey debates it another minute, the question bouncing around in her head as she second-guesses herself before staring down at her feet. "Never mind, it's a stupid question anyway."

This seems to peak Jay's interest even more, like it normally did and the urgency to know what it is is clear in his voice. "I doubt it is, what is it?"

She keeps her stare for another beat before looking back up, gazing at the side of her fiancée's face. "How would you feel about naming the baby after your mom?"

Hailey sees the change appear on his face instantly, the deep scrunch of his eyebrows as he maintains his gaze out the front window of the truck. He's quiet for a beat, seeming to be thinking about his reply before he clears his throat softly.

"Where did that come from?"

She shrugged her good shoulder. "I was just thinking it might be a nice way to honor her, ya know?"

There's another quiet moment before he hums. "Hailey, I'm touched that you'd consider doing that, but it's not that... well I mean it kinda is," he stammers, intently staring out to the road as Hailey watches him tighten his grip on the steering wheel as he sighs. "It's just I don't really want to." He mumbles quietly, as if he was ashamed the words were even leaving his mouth.

Hailey looks over to him with a quizzical look and then her face drops sadly. "I'm sorry, I just thought you would."

He briefly glances over the console. "It's complicated." He says before putting his gaze straight back onto the road as he approaches an intersection.

The cab is silent again until Jay pulls the car to a stop at a red light. He keeps one hand on the wheel as he turns slightly, swallowing before he shakes his head.

"When I think about it, all I remember is the last few months of her life, how sick she was, how much pain she was in. I was the one that was with her through all of it, my dad was working three jobs to pay for the treatment and Will was out of the country. I was the one who sat in the bathroom with her all day, the one that watched her become the shell of who she used to be, as she withered away.. and when she died," his voice cracked and he sucked in a long sharp breath. "And I don't want that to be all I think about when I say my daughter's name."