Mariah's Diary

007.M41

007.M41

So today was my first day of training with Mephiston but it wasn't easy, there where so many memories rushing round my head I kind of lost control of my power and instead of damaging the dummy I blew it up instead, well I thought he was going to be angry with me, but to my surprise he actually said it was OK and that everyone has that problem on their first day, yes it did make me feel better.

I feel as if I have a connection to Mephiston like I know him better than most do, could it be the fact that he used to be Calistarius now you all know that I knew him well, or maybe its because he is different to my once best friend, I don't know, could be both I suppose no matter what I am grateful that he chose me to be his apprentice.

Like I said yesterday I see the struggle that Mephiston goes through every day to remain himself what if I am the one to help him what if that is my destiny what if that is my purpose maybe there is a way they he will remember who I was to Calistarius maybe I can be that way with him after all he used to be my once best friend, I really need to learn how to control my thoughts when I am around him because from time to time I can feel him read me read what I am thinking, if I keep thinking of how things used to be it may not go how I want it to or how it is supposed to go.

Yes as you can tell from yesterday's entry I have finally accepted that my best friend has gone and he's not coming home, yes it is upsetting especially when you know that Mephiston has taken over his body and he still looks how I remember him well other than the fact that instead of having colour he is now pale with vampire fangs, basically the walking dead but don't let that put you off he is actually really nice can be strict but while we are not training he is nice and supportive and he does help me study for my theory.

The theory is always the last thing we do it is basically what gives you the right of passage to become a Blood Angel after the theory there is the ceremony for the ones that passed their practical and theory test, I know when I pass I would have to call Mephiston Chief Librarian or Lord Mephiston as I wouldn't be a trainee any more but that is for another time or when we get to that point for now lets carry on with how things went on the first day.

Doing my training was like being back at school well accept I was the only student and Mephiston was the only teacher and a really good teacher at that like I said he was not one to let people in normally but that's where it was different for me he let me in, by now you are probably guessing what is so different about me well other than being the daughter of the Primarch nothing I am just like every one else here, yes things did get better as the time went on I learnt how to control my thought and the memories and managed not to blow anything else up, that wasn't easy either, Mephiston told me to focus all my anger in to Vitarus his force sword but because I wasn't fully trained yet I had to use it, the trick of a Psyker is knowing how to focus and channel all the anger in to the object or the weapon we had chosen, like in my case I had Vitarus the force sword so I had to channel all that anger in to it to light it up yes it did take me a few attempts but I did get there eventually OK it took me three attempts and guessing by the reaction I got that was a record, it came to the end of the day and like normal we sat down had something to eat and we where talking like old friends did but things seemed different this time we weren't talking about how the lesson had gone, Mephiston was telling me about all the battles he had fought, then I made the mistake of asking him about his battle with the Black Rage yet he still answered all my questions he wasn't angry or upset which did surprise me a little he liked that I had a curious mind and was just seeking answers.

I know he didn't have any one to help him with his battle with the Black Rage but he did say that if I was to ever go through it he would help me fight it and make sure that I never ended up in the Death Company like he did and that he promised me would never happen, what if that is what it takes for me to go through the Black Rage for him to remember who I was or what I meant to him, or could there be another way, I have noticed the more time we spend together the more he seems different or maybe I am just seeing things maybe that is my mind telling me that I will never really get over my best friends death.

That night I got upset yes odd for me being as I was normally good at hiding my emotions, well I was crying when Mephiston came in to my room and asked if I was OK well my normal answer would have been yes I am fine but we are talking about someone who knows when I am telling a lie so I had to answer with the truth which was no I wasn't so that is when I told him what was wrong.

I should have known that something had happened to Calistarius cause when he died the Nexus link that formed disappeared at the same time it was like a part of me was missing something I had got so used to being there had been ripped from me it was like I wasn't whole any more, I wanted it back so bad, what would it take to get it back and make me myself again.