They say my smile looks more genuine.
"Nik is returning back to us," they say
As doctors and therapists take notes
About my laughter and fun.
Is that really true though?
Am I coming back or was I already gone,
Is this all just a figment in my imagination?
What if I was still faking it?
It feels like I am
A puppet with a solid mask
No rocks to hold me down
As the river flows over my dead body.
Who said they have the right to my mind,
I know myself the most.
They don't know me a single bit,
How could they decide I am alright.
Their child, their kid,
The one that stares in the mirror every morning,
Staring and hating their body
Wishing they had never been born.
Their son
That they don't even know is their son,
He doesn't have the heart to come out
And ruin their perfect image.
They assume I have friends,
They assume that laughter is happiness,
They assume that good grades is all I need,
They assume that I'm their perfectly happy daughter.
But I'm not.
I try to live to their expectations.
It is large shoes to fill,
Nine more inches above my own.
Despite how much I am joking
And laughing
And having fun,
Melencoly runs through my veins like the Nile River.
