Stony Caste System

~You Make Me Hate Myself~

"Sir," my AI called out to me, but I tried to ignore it.

"There is a knock on the door, sir."

"Send them away, Jarvis."

"He is persistent, sir."

"He?"

I had been laying in my bed for two and a half days, unable to do anything but fester over my anger and frustration. My head hurt from all the thinking I had done, I was tired of hearing myself talk, I was tired of being tired.

All Steve has ever caused me was pain, anger, sadness, confusion... My heart felt like it was breaking in my chest, pieces of glass spread through me and I hurt everywhere.

Everything he told me will be summed up to one massive lie, he was just doing to me what I have done to women my entire life. I can't see anything other than that false smile he had, or him ignoring me, or pushing me away...

I hate everything about him, so why can't I just forget?

I opened the door to find Steve, out of break and just as 'player' as ever. As soon as my eyes touched his God forsaken face, my wall broke down.

I felt all of these pent up emotions surface like a submarine would break through the water. My skin felt like it would catch on fire because of how angry I was at him, my eyes would burst like a dam because I was so sad, my legs wanted to carry me to him and my arms wrap around him to hold him close. I wanted to love him like everything was normal, but nothing could be normal, not between us. Not ever again.

After feeling several tears stream down my face, Steve's face changed from an out-of-breath runner to worry. "Tony, I'm sorry."

My hand began to squeeze the knob and I quickly tried to close the door. Steve caught it with his hand and held it in the same spot, though I tried to force it closed.

Steve slowly opened the door, pushing me back and making his way in, "Tony, I'm sorry." a darkened expression on his face.

"I don't want to see you right now." My shaky voice mirrored how broken I felt.

"Please, Tony... Just wai-"

"Stop!" I yelled at him, quieting him down, Steve widened his eyes just a little bit.

"All this time, I have been thinking, planning out, and trying to understand why I continue to let you break my heart..." I took in a deep breath and slowly let it out.

Steve looked scared about what I was going to say, he must have known I was done.

"You make me feel so insecure, and I have begun to hate myself more than I already have, yet I can't ever begin to blame you.

"I thought you told me you loved me, yet when you got a promotion, I was the last to here it, and it came from someone else.

"When I tried to express myself, you blew me off, like my feelings were a poison to you. When I heard that 'he' was going to be with you, I thought I was going to vomit...

"...

"And I can't believe that even after all this time and all this pain, I will still accept a sorry, and I will still give myself to you..." I felt my tears burn as they rolled off of my cheeks and dried into my shirt.

"You make me hate myself."

After a long, cold silence, Steve looked at me with a serious stare, "Tony, I never meant to hurt you."

I shut my eyes to break from him peering into my soul. I wiped my nose onto my sleeve and took a step backing away from him.

"Bucky isn't coming back... Ever. SHEILD will keep him in the Russian sector until a world catastrophe, which will most probably never happen.

"And you were right about him, about who he was and what he wanted."

I could no longer breath, my chest was shaking and I had to bite down my teeth so I wouldn't lose control. My body began to shiver and I felt like I would get sick, implode, and drop dead all at the same time.

"He took advantage of me, and tricked me, and now I am too impure to be able to support you. I am no longer good enough, and I understand that now...

"I was never good enough." Steve took his hand off of the door and took a step back.

He looked down and seemed to search for the words to say, only reaffirming himself and piercing me with his blue eyes, "I'm sorry, Tony.

"I will love you for some hundred years, and even then I may not forgive myself for hurting you."

Steve walked out and closed the door behind him. Everything that I tried to hide from him poured out of me like a broken damn and I screamed out as loud as I could. I looked to the door, my mind was telling me not to hurt myself anymore, because I had the power to end this deadly addiction, but my heart was telling me that I will never be able to get something like this again. Everything will come in second place compared to this. I know that when I am old and alone, I would regret not going after him... But would he regret not fighting for me?

"Ahhh," I breathed out heavily through my teeth and wiped away my tears,"f☆ck it!"

I briskly opened the door, ready to run after him, but I almost ran into him after my first step. Steve had been standing on the porch.

Tears had streamed down his face and he had furrowed his brow, but his face lit into confusion when he saw me. I still looked angry. He staggered back, his nose drained like a leaky faucet, but he wiped it, trying to have me not see him breaking.

I practically jumped into his personal space, grabbing the corners of his collar like I was about to punch him in the face, but I instead said, "I fucking hate you," in one short breath.

I kissed him, forcefully entering his mouth. After a second of confusion, Steve understood me and began to kiss me back. It was so bittersweet.

The blonde brute pulled away from me and placed his hand on my cheek, "Why didn't I realize sooner?" he whispered under his breath.

"What?" I asked, beginning to blush as he pulled me against him.

I could feel all the warmth of his body and it felt like my heart was being mended as we stood there.

"My whole life I looked for where I belonged, and you gave me a home." A couple of tears streamed down his face and he softly chuckled in his embarrassment, "For the rest of my life, I only belong to you."

THE END