Pieces of Me

Chapter 8

Spencer

Riley didn't seem to know how to act around me after our first morning together. It was nice not to be the only blushing one, for once. Nice to know he cared, because he wouldn't be acting so careful and uncertain around me if he didn't.

And it was especially nice to have our next session to look forward to.

The whole thing put me in such a good mood, I finally didn't feel angry just looking at Randall. He was surprised, I could tell, when I joined him for lunch after Annaliese and Riley holed themselves up in her room. They still hadn't told me what all these doctor's appointments were for, but I had learned the pattern of them and I had learned that Anna usually wanted to be mostly alone afterwards, or maybe with just Riley for company. I wasn't going to intrude on that.

Randall was already eating a salad when I joined him in the dining room. I felt his eyes on me while I made a sandwich, though he looked down at his plate as I settled down across from him at the table. It was almost amusing to see how uncomfortable he looked. As soon as I realized I was kind of enjoying his discomfort, I cleared my throat and said, "Hi, how are you?"

He took a long swig of water before answering, "I'm well. And yourself?"

So formal. Had my mother ever once been this formal with me? I didn't think so, not even as a joke. "I'm okay."

Silence fell again while we ate, but this stupid niggling voice in my head reminded me: there's no point in being here if you aren't going to try and make a connection with him.

Only, that wasn't strictly true anymore. I was enjoying connecting with Riley very much, and I genuinely thought I might come out of this with an actual sisterly relationship with Annaliese. If that was all that came out of this trip... well, honestly, that was possibly the best-case scenario. I still wasn't totally convinced I even wanted to get closer to Randall. But I wasn't quite done giving Randall the chance he had asked for.

I tried again to start a conversation. I meant to keep it simple instead of jumping into conflict, but my mouth got ahead of me. "Why am I even here?"

He jerked and looked at me with what appeared to be a mixture of surprise and alarm. "Excuse me?"

"I came because you said you wanted to get to know me. Well, I'm here, and you aren't even trying." Again, where were these words even coming from? I wasn't here to pick a fight. I really, really wasn't. But I couldn't seem to help myself. Decades of bitterness could only be squashed down so long. And even if I had figured out how to be okay without a father growing up, I still very much remembered what it was like to be a kid with just a mom and all the ways that had sucked for us both, no matter how much she loved me.

Randall looked down, and it sent another flare of anger through me, hot enough to make my chest ache. The least he owed me was to look at me, no? But he just stared at his hands while he said, "It was clear you wanted some distance. I was just honoring that."

"Well, I'm not taking any distance right now, yet here you are still doing your best to pretend I'm not here."

God, I felt like a teenager again. When was the last time I felt so misunderstood, so outraged over things I couldn't control? I had to sound like a teenager, too, picking a fight with his parents. I hated that he made me feel this way.

Randall finally looked up at me, seeming reluctant. "I'm not," he said. Then, he seemed to reevaluate once he took in how upset I actually was. "I'm sorry if I made you feel that way."

Ha! As if he ever cared about whether I felt acknowledged by him.

I slid out of my chair and tossed the rest of my sandwich out. I wasn't hungry anymore, anyway. Before I could storm out, Randall caught hold of my elbow and pulled me back. He looked strangely desperate. "You're not leaving, are you?" he asked.