The Deep Stuff - Markle - GMW Fanfic

Chapter 3

A/N: Disclaimer: Again, I don't personally have a panic disorder and I have no real experience of what a panic attack would feel like. I am trying to write about the minimal knowledge I have of panic attacks and I don't want to offend anyone. I'm sorry if anyone takes offense.

(Skip to lunch)

I walked into the loud, crowded cafeteria and took a deep breath. My hands were shaking and clutching harder into the granola bar. It had been a particularly cold day today, and then later, just before lunch, it had started raining. Because of the rain, the cafeteria was much more crowded than usual. All the kids who usually sit outside or play sports at lunch have migrated inside to stay dry. I exhaled and took another deep breath then looked around, scanning the room for my usual group. I spot the table towards the back, but Riley and Lucas must be in the lunch line, because Farkle was sitting there alone. I squeezed my eyes shut for a second trying to escape from the feeling of impending doom creeping up into me. Not here. I thought. Please not here. When I opened my my eyes my hands were shaking even more and when I glanced back to the table, I saw Farkle looking at me with concern. Shit. I tried with all my heart to put a smile on my face, to keep up the act, but I couldn't. My mind was imploding with panic and I felt like I was going to shut down at any moment. I turned and rushed back out of the cafeteria into the empty hallways.

I ran, tears threatening to drop out of my eyes at any second. I turned the corner and ran to the end of the hallway, towards the empty supply closet that the janitor never uses anymore. I yank open the door and throw my bag to the ground. My fist unclenches, releasing the mangled granola bar. It falls to the floor as I slide to the floor, back against the wall, until I am in a ball in the corner of the small room. The panic sets in and the tears finally fall from my red and tired eyes. They pour from my face and immediately find their way to my knees when I hug them to my chest. My mind can't focus. Even though I'm alone now, I was in a huge crowd and all those people were moving and I just couldn't. And while having to hide in a pretty small room doesn't help either, it's better than having a full on panic attack in front of the entire school. The walls start closing in on me and I squeeze my eyes shut again. I try to remember to breathe, that it will go away soon. My throat tightens as the full panic sets in. I am barely aware of my surroundings but I hear the door push open.

A voice says, "Maya!" and the door shuts but my mind can't focus enough to tell who it is.

My eyes are still firmly pressed into my knees as I wait through the throes of the panic attack. I hear footsteps coming toward me and then somebody puts a hand on my back, then wraps their arms tightly around me. It's comforting, which is a feeling that is new to me after all these years of neglect and abuse. I lean into the embrace slightly as the panic begins to subside. I choke out a sob and let go of my knees. I take deep breaths as I hear the voice start whispering comforting things in my ear. I take a deep breath and open my eyes. The tears are still rushing from my eyes as I look up to see who is holding me. My eyes meet his and I see compassion and fear in his face.

Farkle. I lay there shaking in his arms the last effects of the panic wearing off, finally. In the back of my mind I realize how awkward and complicated this is, but at this moment I choose not to acknowledge it. His grip tightens around me and I sit there, trembling in his arms, silent tears falling down my face. After a few minutes, I've calmed down enough to sit up a bit, but his arm remains firmly around me.

He starts to speak quietly, asking, "What happened Maya?"

I take another breath before answering. "I-I have a panic disorder. But nobody knows about that." I wipe a tear from my eye. "That was a panic attack. They're usually t-triggered by large crowds and small spaces."

He makes a brave move and pulls me into his lap so I'm curled against his chest. We stay like that for a minute, and then he speaks again.

"Oh Maya..." It sounds like he's about to cry. "Why didn't you tell anyone?"