Kitty has Claws

Stolen clothes and an eventful morning

When I woke up the next morning, I found that Mikhail was standing next to my cot dressed like a drag queen version of Marilyn Monroe combined with Billy Rae Cyrus. "Holy Hell Mikhail! Put on your gear, we need to leave in less than five minutes!" "Where did you get these pretty clothes?" "Wait a minute, you got those out of MY closet?!" He nodded, and I deployed the Hair missile. "Axel, că târfa asta jos!" (Axel, take this bitch down) "What the Bloody Hell is going on in there?!" My team leader, Nick, yelled. "Nothing! Now, go away motherfucker!" "That is it! I am court-martialing you!" "No your not. You use the same threat on everybody! Really, you should work on getting some better material!"  "ROARRRRRZZZZ IMMA DEVOUR YOUR GUTS!!!" That was Mikhail. "WHO WAS THAT NIKKI?" "NOBODY, now BACK THE FUCK OFF DICKHEAD!" "MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW!!!! Imma pretty gay kitty kat!!!" Mikhail strutted into the room now dressed in destroyed black skinny jeans and a neon pink leopard striped bra. He had cat ears sticking out of his head and his face painted like Garfield the cat. "LOOK AT ME!!!!! MROWWWWW!!!!! You LIKE??? See, this time I didn't use YOUR clothes!" I took one look at him and doubled over. "I guess my KITTY KAT powers were too much for her! Next time, I'll try werewolf." "TAKE THOSE CLOTHES OFF THIS INSTANT!!! ARE YOU A SPETZNAZ OFFICER OR NOT?!?" "Not for the next five minutes I'm not!" I slapped myself on the forhead and groaned. Nick started banging on the door, "I'm gonna kick this sucker down if you don't STOP!" "GET THE FUCK IN HERE AND HELP ME!" I screamed. Nick kicked down the door, and came in with a pistol drawn. Mikhail yells "CHEEZIT IT'S DA FUZZ!!!!" "WHO IS THIS GUY??" "My distant cousin, twice removed from my mother's side." "That actually explains a lot." "Are you gonna help me get him out of here or not?" "Nope, your on your own" "He's Spetznaz" "Why didn't you just tell me that in the beginning?" "I was a bit busy swearing at both you and him in case you hadn't noticed." "Wait. Why were you swearing at him?" "He's wearing MY clothes!!!" "I never thought you owned something that pretty." "I don't, they're my mothers." "Ok. Let's BACK UP. They're YOUR MOTHERS???" "Yeah. you got a PROBLEM with that?" "Yes, actually I DO have a PROBLEM with that. Remember how many lingerie shops she robbed? And convenience stores? And the FRIGGIN BANK OF AMERICA!!! These clothes are STOLEN PROPERTY!!!" Shit. "WELL ... I'm not responsible for his behavior. Good luck with that Nick!" With that I attempted to storm out of the room, but I paused in my tracks when Nick said : "You may not be responsible for him, Nikki, but the Major would be very interested to know where you got those clothes from." "Fuck. You."  I turned around and grabbed Mikhail by the ear. "You. Go back in that closet and take those clothes off, NOW!" He went in without a fight, but walked out not wearing a stitch of clothing. I groaned and slapped my forhead. "God, I should have known how specific I have to be with you, Mikhail. Have clothes on and leave by the time we get back from the mission, you hear?" he nodded.

Five minutes later Nick and I were sitting in the breifing room, waiting to hear where we were going. The entire team was assembled, we were waiting for the Major to arrive. When he stepped into the room, all of the jabs, arm-wrestling, and swearing at each other stopped. Everyone turned towards the front of the room. "Listen up! Today we will be responsible for the president's safety. There will be no mistakes, from any of you. Do I make myself clear?" We all nodded. Then the breifing began. "You are to escort the president through the Farah and Kunar provinces of Afghanistan. As you all know, these are the most DANGEROUS provinces in Afghanistan, and I will install tracking devices on EVERYONE so we know where everyone is and making sure you are not slacking off playing hide the salami with your ex hookers. HEAR ME? OK. I REPEAT. THERE WILL BE ABSOLUTELY NO FUNNY BUSINESS THIS TIME. IT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. I JUST WANTED TO MAKE THIS CLEAR! "Yes Mommy!!!!" squealed someone who looked like a very miniture version of Mikhail. She looked exactly like him only with red hair done in pigtails, big nerd glasses, rainbow knee-highs, a kilt, and fuschia hiking boots. "Can I come too? I've been VERY good this year. And SANTA said I could come. I have a SIGNED DOCUMENT IN MY POSSESSION. I also have connections with SECRET SOCIETIES!!! Mikhail and I are going to go on the mission NO MATTER WHAT! And anyway, your guns sucks. We have access to EVEN BETTER GUNS and TOP SECRET INFROMATION!!!! AND WE KNOW MAGICKS!!!!!!!!" "Oh brother, here we go again" I muttered under my breath. Then the Major spoke up; "Listen Mikhail, you and your little sister -" "I AM NOT JUST MIKHAIL's SISTER I HAVE A NAME YOU KNOW!!! YOU DUMBASS MILITARY PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING STUPID. YOU CARRY AROUND GUNS AND YELL AT PEOPLE THEN COME UP WITH SOME TOP SECRET PLAN TO SAVE THE FUCKING PRESIDENT AND YOU CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER A SIMPLE NAME??? ALL I'M ASKING IS THAT YOU REMEMBER MY NAME!!!" Valentina sobs hysterically, with tears streaming down her face. "MA NAME ISH VALENTINA!!!! FUR DA MILLYONTH TIME!!!!!" her words slur and she starts shaking violently. Big rough and tumble Major goes teddy bear and puts his arm around her. "It's okay Valentina. Sometimes we big people forget the little things-" "GET YOUR SMELLY ARM OFFA ME!!!!! IT HAS COOTIES!!!!!!!" she shrieks, springs up and storms out of the room, swinging her hips in defiance. The door slams shut behind her, and echoes throughout the room. Her swagger left the rest of the team, hypnotized, eyes glued to the door, and salivating on the persian antique rug.

"Is it too late to resign?" I ask. "No," says Nick, "You are a valuable member of our team. But that Valentina is ... something else." "What are you going to do about her?" "She's coming with us." "WHAT!?!?!" "Do you have another idea in mind, perhaps?" "YES PUT HER IN DAYCARE SHE'S LIKE SIX OR SOMETHING!" "Umm that's not going to happen." "WHY NOT?" "Well, the last time she went to daycare, she hacked the computer system and changed the names of the fellow children to things like Smelly, Rolphie, and DICKY. Then she spray painted FUCK YOU AMERICA all over the building in permanent neon paint. And to complete her act, she somehow sweet talked her way into the kitchen, snuck arsenic into the kiddy's soup, lit a match, and burned the whole building down. With skills like that, she could be a huge help for us. Valentina may look like she's six but she's a genius. She can do anything you want her to do, if she feels like it. And when she said she had connections and knew magic, she wan't joking. She's our only option, Nikki. Look on the brightside Mrs. Doom and Gloom." "Can you do me a favor just this once and get me a bottle of Jack Daniels? I just need to go home, get happy, and forget this conversation ever took place." "And maybe, just maybe, I should quit my job." "Not gonna happen sweetie." With that, Nick embraced me and did something magical with his hands.

 No, I don't mean sex. I mean he actually made me a super-duper-special peanut-butter-and-jelly- with-grilled-pickles-and-jellied-bannana-juice-sandwich. Sounds disgusting right? Well, it's not, so don't criticize until you've tried it.