Muse

12

The hardest part was walking past Lottie, the clear look of confusion sprawled across her face as I rushed out of the building with a hand covering my mouth as if it would somehow restrict my emotion. I didn't even say a word to her, no goodbye, no I love you. I simply couldn't say anything else. Even the train ride home, sitting alone with my own thoughts in that god awful lighting that strained my tired and teary eyes couldn't beat that pain of walking out without looking back.

My plan for now, is non existent.

Seeing the familiar door with the familiar brass number and the familiar cold doorknob was the most comforting thing I had seen in my life. Finally arriving home, I swing open the door and throw my bag across the room onto the couch while I storm through my apartment to my room, the couch couldn't provide enough comfort for me in this moment, so my bed finally gets to see me when I get home from work.

I fall heavily onto my bed, my face directly hitting the fluffy pink cushion that decorated my bed. A sharp breath left my nose before I grabbed the pillow to push my face in it more, hoping to muffle the loud scream that sounded more like a growl that naturally left from the inner works of my body. My hands tensely grip the sides of the pillow after I relax my voice, slowly becoming flooded by the silent tears that left my eyes. I hear the soft pounce of paws landing onto the covers beside me before a soft furry coat glides across my arm.

I open my eyes ever so slowly, the tears stinging my already burning eyes. The cutest little face is the first thing I see, Blossom's dark pupils and little black nose stare me right in the face. The sight made me giggle, the slight smile that appeared on my face almost sent my body into shock. I slowly pull my arm from underneath me that started to tingle with the restriction of blood flow, almost rendering my arm completely useless. I use what strength I have left to stroke her head, ever so gently, while I rolled over to gain access to my other arm to pull her into my chest. Her warm calm demeanour immediately casting some sort of spell on me, that almost completely distracts me from the matters at hand. At least I knew she would be one constant in my life, at least just for now.

Money. Where would I be without it? What am I supposed to pay my rent with now that i'm not earning a weekly income? All questions I don't want to think about, ones I don't want to answer.

I hear and feel my phone vibrate from my back pocket, snapping me back into reality. Every fiber of my being doesn't want to look at the notification, I dread what it could be. My curiosity, however, had other plans for me.

"I'm guessing you're not coming back :(" Read the message Lottie sent, tugging at the pit of my stomach even more at the thought of not being seated next to her for eight hours a day, five days a week. I pull the phone in front of me to reply back to her, whilst my fingers navigated the screen my thoughts stopped, making it difficult to find the words to tell her.

"Guess not, Aaron's coffee was too cold ;( "

•••

Living the unemployed life for a few days so far has seriously lifted some stress off my shoulders, ignoring the impending rent that's due every week, the embarrassment of being fired in such a demeaning way, and the societal judgement of not working. I can understand why people retire early.

The first thing I have managed to pull myself together for, getting out of my dirty (but very comfortable) pyjamas and being able to stand in the shower for the first time in a few days. The warm water running over my body finally eased the tension that built up in my muscles and I really needed it. I stand in front of my wardrobe, staring into the abyss of clothing waiting for me to wear them. What could I possibly put together to something like this? What would I 'normally' wear?

I ultimately decide on some straight leg beige pants with some high top platform sneakers, a white t shirt and a similarly coloured flannel. The most eye catching? No. But I doubt he would want to see me after the fact that I no longer have ties with the gallery. I wonder how I would tell him, if he would kick me out the second he found out. He was hard to read, I couldn't tell if he actually liked me or if he was using me as a business ploy. I hadn't had much time to think about it in the last few days due to impending feelings of doom and sorrow taking over my mind. Maybe a bit theatrical, dramatic even, yet not having something to do with myself for the past few days whilst knowing I have debts and bills to pay feels like it's the end of the road for me.

At least I still have a big wardrobe.