Damn the Dark, Damn the Light

* 1 *

     Ed would never admit it out loud, but he was completely heartbroken. His heart had been ripped out of his chest by a ghost that night on the harbor. The night his  new life was supposed to begin.

     Ed was only who he was when he was by his lonesome. He didn't let anyone see Edward anymore. Blackbeard is who he truly is, through and through. He was always a monster and he had to face the music eventually and it was time. The Kraken had always been him and he was terrified of the monster he had become and so was everyone else. There was a part of him that was proud of that but he was more scared of himself than anyone else ever could be. Once again, he would never admit that out loud.

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      Ed woke up to the familiar strain on his back from sleeping on the hard floor. The sun had barely been up a few hours and he was already reaching for the familiar bottle. He tilted his head back as he took way too big of a gulp and swallowed with a brisk hiss. He laid back onto the floor with a thud and groaned. He hadn't been sober a day since he'd made it back to the revenge. The rum was easier to stomach than the emotions of betrayal and abandonment - regardless of how empty his stomach was. "Hnnngg," he groaned, rolling over onto his side to look at the painting above the fireplace. He thought about the first time he'd been shown around the captains quarters. The painting above the fireplace. The way he'd watched over Stede while he had his fever dreams in the bed that was a mere few feet away from him, collecting dust.

      He sat up again only to chug the rest of the bottle, hoping to chase away the thoughts of the Gentleman Pirate. He fell back with a thud and counted the grain in the wood above him until his head became too fuzzy to keep his eyes open any longer.

     He woke up to moonlight peering through the window and a sharp pain shooting through his head. He reached up to rub his face and was met with damp cheeks. Had I been crying in my sleep? wondered the man. He tried to recall his dreams but he can't, he just recalled a general uneasiness in trying to do as much as remember them.

      He hadn't left the captain's chambers in days, weeks even. The days were just a blur of tears, charcoal, and rum. He imagined Stede coming back, how it would happen, how he would react. I'd stab him, he thought, He deserves it for leaving me like this. But he's not going to come back, he's gone back to his family - his life. He has a life Edward, he thought to himself.

      He stood abruptly and walked over to the corner where he has a pile of empty and full glass bottles alike. He tossed the empty one in his hand into the corner and reached down. He lifted each bottle, weighing them before setting them back down. He finally finds one with a little more than half left. He pulled the cork out with his teeth and took a hearty gulp. He reached down and gently set the bottle down. He reaches up with both his hands, snakes his fingers through his long grey hair, bunches it up in his hands and tugs. He squeezes his eyes shut.
     
     His mind is suddenly filled with the image of Stede. His face after Ed had kissed him for the first and last time on that beach. The way he pursed his stupid lips together in a smile that made his heart simultaneously sink and skip a beat just having thinking about. Why did I have to fall for him?
  
     He can't believe he'd simply allowed his heart to be ripped out and drowned in that harbor as if he's not the most fearsome pirate of the whole seven seas. I'm Blackbeard for Christ's sake, the kraken. The last few words were much quieter in his mind. It was a solemn thought, thinking how he had once again become a monster at his own hands. He knew that wasn't true, he'd always been a monster. To his crew, to his loyal first mate, to his love. 

     He stumbled back until his back met the wall and slid down. His hands slid down to his face. He feels his throat burn with sobs threatening to make his body shake. He picked up the bottle and drinks and drinks until he has no choice to part his lips from the rim to take a breath. Ed tilts his head back against the wood behind him and let the tears spill down until the spill becomes a pour. He could no longer hold back the sobs coming forth from his chest. His mind goes back to that night and just hears Stede's words echo in his mind, clear as day, "You make Stede happy."

     He let out a sob loud enough to wake the sea and he doesn't stop with just the one. He  no longer cared about waking anyone. He slowly stands up - bottle in hand. He downed whatever was left in it and stumbled to the door. The longer he stood, the more light headed he became. He became clumsy - uncoordinated. He swung the door open and is met with what is left of his crew asleep on the deck. 

     He wobbled over to the closest bare piece of railing and peered out into the waves. I wish I'd jumped into the sea that night. Just drowned there. It would be better than what I've become now. I should have known I could never compete with fancy silks and spoons. I am a world away from him and I was a fool to think I could ever be loved. Especially by a man with such exquisite tastes. His thoughts drown any sounds the waves might have produced during this time.

     He gently leaned onto the railing, body threatening to tilt over into the sea. "....Edward?"

     "'Ey Iz!," Ed slurred, quickly having turned from the railing.

     "What are you doing?"

     "Just - erm- thinkin' a bit," he whispers while nearlya tripping over nothing at all.

     "No one has seen you in weeks, captain. Everyone was starting to wonder if you were even still on the ship."

      "Of course I'm still here. Where would I have gone?"

      "They thought you'd gone chasing him." Izzy sighed. He knew his captain better than anyone else and knew that he was gone beyond recognition. He knew he was looking at a mere shell of the legendary Blackbeard. It was only a  matter of time until he found the right moment to break to him the fact that the crew had caught word of Stede Bonnet's death.