The sixth sense

Chapter 20

EMMA

We are in the hallway, waiting for Paul. Adam's texting someone. I'm trying to read his texts, but I fail. I can't help the suffocating jealousy, eating me alive. I'm dying to ask if he's texting his Italian girl. My eyes search for Lili, but she's nowhere around.
"Have you seen Lili?" I ask Pauline.
My friend nods. "She was the first to leave the classroom. It looked like she was in a hurry. I didn't get a chance to ask where she was going."
"Weird . . ."
Pauline shrugs. "She doesn't need to report her every step to us."
I try to call her but she won't pick up the phone. I thought having lunch together became a tradition.
"I hope she's okay," I gabble out.
"She looked just fine to me," Pauline says. "I think there was something urgent she needed to do, Emma," she tries to reassure me. "Don't worry about her. She's a big girl. If she needs help, she knows how to ask for it, right? You're not her nanny for God's sake!" 
I function on autopilot and give Adam another side glance. He frowns and keeps typing another text; his fingers run across the screen rapidly.
"Whom are you texting?" I ask sharply and then bite my lip.
Adam's surprised by the tone of my voice. "My mom," he responds. "Did you say something that I missed?"
"No. But you looked so concentrated. I got curious."
Pauline gives me a knowing look. She knows about my jealously and my desire to be Adam's only focus.
"She wants to have lunch with me," he says and hides his phone in his jeans pocket.
"Okay, we can have lunch in a brasserie around the corner."
He stays quiet for a moment. "She wasn't to have lunch in private," he says uneasily. "She wants to discuss my uncontrollable aggression and anger." His words are dipped in irony. He smirks as if trying to ease the tension between us.
But I don't buy it. "Are you really going to have lunch with your mom?"
Adam meets my stare without hesitation. "Yes, Emma."
Pauline says something to us and we see Paul leave the classroom.
"You want to become a lawyer but never miss a chance to argue with someone," Pauline says to him. "You tick off people around you and demonstrate zero diplomacies. What's wrong with you?" She's trying really hard to pretend she's not listening to my conversion with Adam and keep lecturing her brother.
"Why don't you switch your attention to your own life?" Paul retorts. "I'm starving. Where are we going for lunch?"
"I'm leaving," Adam says.
"Wait!" I call after him. We go to the other end of the hall and I smile shyly. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to sound like a jealous girlfriend but I couldn't help it." I decide to be honest with him. After all, it's what our friendship was based on in the first place.
He looks at me and I see the confusion on his face. He doesn't know what to say. I try to break the silence, hug him tightly, and say in a friendly manner, "Eat well and say 'hi' to your mom."
"I will," he says, forcing a smile, and leaves.
I watch him round the corner and feel like I'm losing him. I don't want to be all alone again. He doesn't turn around to look at me. I want to stop him and never let him go. A part of me knows it's impossible when my heart keeps nursing hope for the best.
"I don't know about you but I want to grab a sandwich and lay down on the grass in the park," Paul says. "The sun is calling us out!"
I look at him and nod. "Yeah, the weather's blinding."
We walk to a bakery. It's packed with the students and we join the long queue.
Pauline speaks, "I can't believe Valentin dared to text me after a week of silence!"
Valentine is another guy she's having fun with.
"So, you brushed him off?" Paul asks.
"Of course, I did! I didn't even care to read his messages. Guys who disappear for a weak are not my type. I'm not going to waste my time on them!"
"What if he had a reason to ignore you?" I say. "What if something happened to him?"
Pauline smirks and gives me a doubtful look. "Remember my eye-candy neighbor? Well, he was busy all the time and studied day and night. I once called him on Friday night, hoping he would go out with me. But he said he was sorry he could go anywhere with me because he was busy studying. Then I met him in a club with a different girl."
Paul starts laughing joyfully. "But the guy told you the truth! He was busy that night!"
"Right," Pauline makes a face. "So busy he didn't even see me! It was for the best, of course. After that, I was busy too and he couldn't understand why I turned into a snow queen. He's still trying to win me back but it's all for nothing. I'm not falling into the same trap twice!"
Paul shakes his head and says ironically, "You're so tough!"
We walk into the bakery and I enjoy the smell of freshly baked bread.
"What are you going to eat, Emma?" Paul asks.
"A chicken sandwich."
"Is that all?"
My eyes travel across numerous sweets and rolls. "And a piece of Mille-feuille, please," I say in a whisper.
"Anything else?" Paul asks again, following every small change on my face. I look at the marmalade but tell myself Mille-feuille is enough."
"How about marmalade crocodiles or bears?" he whispers back.
"I'm fat without them, so I'll pass."
"Two chicken sandwiches, one Cesar salad, two Mille-feuilles, and two packs of marmalade with crocodiles and bears. Oh, and three bottles of water, please."
I stare at him, puzzled.
He shrugs. "Eat whatever you want whenever you want. That's my golden rule!"
Pauline suddenly laughs. "I opened a text from Valentine and saw pictures that were supposed to excite me. But damn it, even a three-year-old boy can draw a better six-pack in photoshop."
She shows us the pictures and I chuckle. "Can't he see how terrible it looks?"
Paul rolls his eyes and takes a bag with our food. "He thinks Pauline is a complete fool."
She laughs again. "He's not the only one to think that. But to his huge disappointment, there's a brain in this smart head of mine."
I chuckle. I love Pauline's character.
We walk to the park and I put on my sunglasses, enjoying the weather. The warm sun touches my skin and the wind plays with the fresh leaves.
"Are you going to ask Lili out again?" I ask Paul while he opens and holds an iron gate for us.
"Ladies first," he says in his usual playful manner.
As soon as we're in the park and sit down on the grass, he replies, "No. She isn't in my plans for the future anymore. One panic attack was more than enough for one life!" 
I punch his shoulder. "How dare you laugh at her!"
Paul takes one sandwich from the bag and sinks his teeth in it. "What's wrong with my joke?" he asks with his mouth full of food. "Black humor is good too."
"Why did you ask her out anyway?"
"Out of boredom," Pauline guesses. "And because Lili isn't affected by his charm, which is why it hurts his sensitive and fragile ego."
Paul shakes his head. "Not true. Lili's cool, interesting, and with a good sense of humor. But from what I can see, she's not looking for a boyfriend or romance in general. And I don't like her too much to wait for better times to come."
Pauline's eyes glimmer with sarcasm. "In other words, she wasn't impressed by him and he lost his interested in her to fight for her attention."
"I just don't get it . . . why did you want a date with her in the first place?"
"It was nothing serious. It was supposed to be just a meaningless date. But what happened in reality could hardly be called a date. Do you remember how it ended?" Paula asks, smiling. And I want to smack that smile off his smug face.
"There's nothing serious for him, Emma. Leave him alone," Pauline says, opening her salad.
Still, I can't stop thinking about Paul's words. I wonder why so many people don't take their relationships seriously. When someone like me won't stop worrying about every small thing that feels off.
"Does that mean you wanted to ask me out because you were bored?" I ask.
Paul's shoulders tense and he thinks about his answer. "No. It was different. I liked you, a lot. From the very beginning of the year. I was so nervous and scared to ask you out." Paul looks into my eyes. "But you always chose Adam. I had to accept it. We don't always get what we want. Some things can never be mutual."
His stare makes me tremble. I'm dying to tell him I know what it's like to love someone who doesn't love you in return. But I bite my tongue.
"I'm glad we're friends," I whisper. It's true. I like his honesty and even his stupid jokes; I like him for loving me for who I am. With him, I don't need to pretend.
"Being your friend works just fine." He winks at me and takes another bite of his sandwich.
I know there're many things we'd like to say to each other. But Paul's right. I always chose Adam. Still do . . .
I love him with all my heart. I remembered one of the essays that we needed to write at the beginning of the year. We needed to explain our vision of Sartre's phrase. 'Man has a hole the size of God in his soul, and everyone fills it as he can.' I tried to explain it with my love for Adam. I poured everything I felt back then onto a piece of paper. I was ashamed to read that work. I threw it away, too angry to read it. But soon, Adam was mine and my world saw so many new colors and shades. Every kiss, every embrace. I love everything about us.
I reach for my phone and let my emotions say the words I type in the following message, "I love you more than anything in the world!"
But he doesn't open my text and leaves it unread.
Adam never told me he loved me. I mean real love, not the one you feel for a friend. He never once mentioned the kind of love I'm desperate to feel from him; the kind of love I've been dreaming about for so long.
"Hey, why are you so sad?" Pauline asks, rubbing my shoulder gently.
I smile curtly. "I'm not sad."
"Good! By the way, Leo's celebrating his eighteenth birthday today and there will be a party. How about we skip the rest of today's classes and get ready for the party? Leo's got an elder brother and he's so cute!"
Paul and I smirk aloud. Pauline will never change! Paul opens a pack of marmalades and gives it to me.
"I'm afraid I need to go back to school," he says. "But you go get ready for the party. I'll tell everyone Pauline has a stomach disease from eating salads."
She smacks her brother's shoulder, lamenting about abuse and home violence. I laugh, watching them, and eat marmalades. For a second, I feel so good, having fun with my friends. My worries fade away slowly.