Perseverance // Georgenotfound

perseverance

Sometimes it's easier, to deny being sad. To repress the feelings of emptiness and lack of warmth inside your heart, because George knows that if he became to accept those feelings, he wouldn't be able to pick himself up off the ground and piece his life back together again.

George doesn't want sympathy, so all he does is avoid. When Dream or Sapnap ask him if he is happy, his chest screams at him to open up, because although he doesn't want to admit it, he knows he needs help. To tell just one person that he doesn't want to be here anymore, to yell it from the rooftops and tell everyone that existing just isn't for him. But he never does.

Now, there's so much of nothing inside of him. Just an empty void. George doesn't care anymore, about anything, and for that he almost feels guilty. He has the greatest friends he could ever wish for and a loving family he knows has his back even in the stupidest of situations. He just couldn't find the match to light the spark in his heart to care about them like he used to. To care about himself, like he used to.

If George were 20 feet underwater, he'd make no effort to swim back up to the surface. And he was okay with that.

George loved movies and books and sleeping. Well, he loved the escapism. The ability they gave him to pretend he was someone he wasn't. Whether he was a badass criminal, the class nerd or a royal servant, he didn't really care. As long as it allowed him to step away from reality and the chaos in his mind for at least a few hours.

Then the credits roll or the chapter ends and George is forced unwilling back into the real world. The ideals he creates in his mind utterly shattered.

It's funny really, how as a child George used to hate going to sleep. His parents having to chase him around the house with his pyjamas, just begging him to put them on. Once finally settled he'd get into bed and the lights are switched off. Like many children experience, that's when the nightmares would come out to plague his dreams.

Now, years later, and it's the opposite. George wants nothing more than to sleep all day, feeling like the monsters lurking in the dark are far more pleasant than being awake and living for the real nightmare of reality.

He feels like nobody gets it. Sapnap was starting to think that George didn't like him and Dream believed he was simply an unsociable person, he was an introvert after all. George was seen as the quiet, independent kid who got by in life just fine on his own. He wished they could understand. But, how could they understand if George couldn't even understand it himself.

To be truthful, George had no idea why he felt so deeply unhappy, so miserable, so insignificant all of the time. Maybe that's why he was holding on. His curiosity was the only thing keeping him alive, waiting to find out what went so wrong in his life to make him not want to live it any longer. Would he ever find out?

Well, we all know curiosity killed the cat.

Possibly it all started when George's parents divorced. Though, he didn't feel anything when they had sat him down to break the news to him. No sadness, anger nor guilt. He was already numb before that. He wonders if he ever felt at home. Did he even have one? Not literally but mentally. See, home comes in many different forms; a house, a feeling, a person.

What was home for George?

George knew he had people that cared for him. Sure, Dream and Sapnap numerically aren't a lot, but they are enough. Although, George couldn't help but think that if they weren't there that it wouldn't change a thing. He wished he could reciprocate the care they had for him.

George was falling, deep into the point of no return. He'd already hit the ground, and now he's nearing on bedrock, because George was so, so naïve to think he deserved a happy ending for living a tragic life.

Whether he'd kill himself, he wasn't certain. To be honest, George couldn't be bothered. He definitely didn't want to be alive, but he couldn't muster up the energy to take it away either. He was just simply getting by. Perhaps he didn't want Dream or Sapnap to suffer the consequences. Suicide can be contagious, after all.

George finds himself thinking about death a lot. A glance at a knife or holding a packet of paracetamol in his hands after attempting to cure his headache. It'd be easy, he thinks. He'd already taken two, why not a handful more? But, there was something stopping him.

You see, in the back of his mind, George knows. George knows that he has a rollercoaster of a life still to encounter. Full of ups and downs and so many journeys to hell and back. But, he also knows he has so many years ahead of him, so many chances to make a change and so many ways to grow.

Eventually, George's story will end. How it ends is up to him. But for now, he knows when life is hard, he cant give up. Despite his melancholy state, he continues to live, to allow himself to see the possibility of a better future. It wont get better if he sits idly and lets the world determine his path for him. 

Eventually, George takes the leap. And asks for help. Now, he's not alone. Sure, Dream and Sapnap cant live out his depression for him, but they can help him build up the will to enjoy life like he used to. They can show him that there is no true end.

Most importantly, they can show George that he has to learn to live for himself. To get better for himself. Living for others isn't nearly as important.

Eventually, George is grateful to be alive. Even if he isn't always happy.