Whats Meant To Be...Will Be.

2

Karan
Its been almost two months to the last party I attended. Everytime I was going to do something to put up a front and act like the unapologetic badboy a voice in my head reminds me that this isn't me , this isn't who I am and even if I act like that badboy is me, still I am going to feel alone so whats the use of being alone even after this much effort. I have realised for a fact that i much more prefer being myself and alone instead of pretending to be someone else yet still feeling alone and exhausted and the feeling of not being adiquate, of not being good enough , of not being .... Just me.

Since last month there has been a gradual but steady change in me , the change being me not trying to pretend for the sake of it, me not doing something I really don't want to but still doing it because it being expected of me, me not trying to become someone else just to fill the void. Instead I have started to try and decipher what things i actually like and what I had just subconsciously persuaded myself to like.

I have tried to stay away from social media and have avoided going to parties. Not that I don't like parties I have just avoided going to parties which i don't actually want to go to. I have avoided getting drunk just for the heck of it... only drinking when i want to unwind a bit and enjoy the heady buzz.

I am also thinking of talking about my personality crisis if it is even a thing to my family and my team who are no less than family to me. Because if I truly want to stop pretending I need to start with the people who won't judge me and will truly understand where I am coming from.

Her words often come to my mind randomly reminding me that if I just be myself I might just not feel so alone anymore and if not that at least I would not feel exhausted constantly.

Along with her words my mind constantly goes back to her beautiful face. The mesmerising twinkle of her eyes, her wide eyed face, her sheepish smile and finally my favourite her full blown smile. I have searched her on instagram and i still cant wrap my head around how could someone look so cute yet hot and sexy at the same time. Innocent yet mischievous. Natural yet stylish. And with the thoughts of her beauty I start wondering if i will ever bump into her again? Subconsciously hoping to bump into her again.

Tejasswi
Its nine months since I broke up with him and after coming out of the hurt and all the mixed emotions today I can finally say that I am again the true me. I am once again the same person who I have been proud of since childhood. I am finally back to being me The unapologetic and brutally honest, the brave and confident, not smiley and chuckling but the grinning and laughing Tejasswi Prakash is back and she is here to stay forever. I am never again going to compromise myself for the sake of finding validation from someone else. I am not going to let anyone tell me or make me feel that I am not enough. I am not going to constantly be conscious of what I drink or eat or wear. I am going to do my job which I love with my dedication and not going to feel guilty about my achievements. That man ruined my spirit and I let him but I am not going to give anyone the power to control my happiness. Happiness is a choice and i am always going to choose it no matter what. I was in a relationship with him for about nine months and in those months i don't know when and how I allowed myself to loose me and be a pretender who was the ideal girlfriend for him. I had met him in one of my best time of my life. I had just been signed for my first marathi film that too produced by Rohit Shetty sir . I had shooting scheduled for khatron ke khiladi after that. I had another marathi film in my kitty and he just entered my life and it was like too good to be true. I was doing really well in my personal life and my career was also set for acceleration. The initial months were great he was the charming and supporting gentleman applauding my achievements . But when we hit the six month mark the pandemic hit and everyone was made to sit home. No one really had anything to do and I thought that this was the perfect time to focus more on my personal life as we will get time to spend together. We can be more serious about each other as since last two months he had been giving subtle taunts like I am too ambitious, I don't give enough time to him, I try to make him feel inferior to me by showing my money, etc in hindsight I guess i was too naive then to see the signs or I didn't want to see the signs. But his and my meaning of a perfect relationship was something entirely different i guess. For me relationship was love, care and companionship and for him it was respect of only him, obedience and control.

During lockdown I rarely met anyone except for him and spent most of my time at his home. I didn't realise then that he was slowly isolating me from everyone even my parents and was gradually gaining control of my emotions. He was very good with words and even good at convincing me that it was me who was always at fault. If he canceled on a date it was because i was busy in the afternoon so he could not make it in evening because i am very workoholic not because he was busy watching a movie. If the food ordered was not delivered fast then it was because i took alot of time in choosing what i wanted to eat not because the restaurant he chose was far away. He was working from home and his pay had been reduced but somehow he always taunted me telling you do nothing sitting at home still your show (kkk) is doing so well on tv . He taunted me that people did not like watching me but they had to watch the show because it was the only show with new episodes instead of repeat telecast of other shows because shooting was stopped in those months. After every argument if I didn't concede to his point then he would ignore my calls for days and nights and i would be restless as he made sure that in these months i was totally cutoff from my other friends and family. And that lead to me changing into the subdued and quiet girl who didn't have any opinion of her own. I stopped scheduling online interviews sighting personal reasons. I stopped trying to decide what i wanted to eat instead let him decide what to order. I stopped watching my show which was number one at the time. I stopped eating my favourite food as he told i was gaining weight sitting at home. I stopped singing as he told me I was not a singer. I stopped laughing loudly as he told me I looked less classy . I stopped being myself. Thankfully I saw what was happening although late but still not completely broken I broke up with him but unconsciously I broke myself. I was at a very bad place at that time and thankfully my mom never left my side and brought my spirits back. Almost four months after the breakup I was offered a show LvG. I liked the concept and my mom, dad and pra all encouraged me to do it as it would be a step forward in bringing myself back. I would have to give my opinion and that would be the foundation of me backing up my ideologies and thinking which was lost and i was slowly gaining back. Being on the set after almost seven months was a different experience, but I was atleast thankful that there was Ritwik and karan wahi  who i am good acquainted with will be on one panel and on another day i will have Rashami and Vikas who I am good friends with.

On the first day of shoot I met with Nia and we gelled up quite well. Seeing her give her opinions freely reminded me that i am also quite like her in this way... I was also unapologetic and on the face honest about my opinions and thats what I am gonna be. It was like a switch turned on in me that day. And as always Ritwik and Wahi's banter lifted up the spirits on the set. I enjoyed a lot that day and I realised that not everything was finished and I was still me. I decided the next day I was gonna be my self TEJASSWI PRAKASH who is happy and confident and doesn't care what anybody thinks. Maybe thats why when Vikas said lets agree to disagree on one particular topic I told him to not agree I might have seemed rude but I guess it was important for me to realise it ... I also met someone new on that day. I mean not new as who doesn't know him but I was kind of a bit starstruck maybe to meet him. He was different from what I perceived him to be based on peoples and news opinions. In debate I observed he had very compassionate and progressive thoughts but he always covered them with a joke which made him sound narcissistic or arrogant in a funny way but maybe people think thats him. He was a puzzle to me but I prefer not engaging on small talks or getting friendly with colleagues whom I know I am not going to have to work for long term. I like to keep it as professional as possible to avoid rumours or fake news and he was a walking rumour mill waiting to be opened or so I thought. He was KARAN KUNDRRA.

I met him again after three months at a party and in that short interaction with him I realised what I thought was correct. He was using a badboy persona just because everyone expected it out of him. Something in his eyes told me that he was not happy with his surroundings with himself and when he told me he understood my need to be alone I understood his need to be seen. Not seen as a person but seen as a soul. Seen as his real self ,seen as karan not KARAN KUNDRRA . So I gave him a little advice and left before i interfered more than necessary in his business. I hope he is happy again.

I am in the US right now visiting pra and exploring the country as much as possible on road. I have been here for the last two months and will probably stay for more four to five months then back to india and back to work hopefully by then the pandemic would have died down a bit.

Timeline:
Sep-2019 teju bf, kkk shoot
March-2020 pandemic start
June-2020 teju breakup
October- 2020 LvG
January-2021 party where kk teju meet again
January end to august end 2021- teju in USA
October-2021 BiggBoss15