The Great Indian Wedding Romance

27. Lose-Lose

Siddharth did not react for a few seconds. 

Her "Hi" was followed by a "Hi" and "Hello" from both his friends. 

"Can I talk to you?" Chetna said, finally. 

Yug promptly pushed himself up from his position against the car. 

"We'll go say hi to aunty. See you inside," he said quickly and then dragged Angad away before he could get a word out. 

When they were out of sight Siddharth and Chetna locked eyes again. The air was charged with so many unsaid things. 

He did not have the words to convey what he felt. He wasn't even sure he understood what he felt. 

"I'm sorry," she began, "for leaving the concert so suddenly. You have no idea how much it hurt to leave like that but I just couldn't... take it."

Siddharth didn't say a word. He just stared at her. 

"Your words have affected me more than you know. It made me think of my priorities, my own view of relationships, life and my own goals. I ran because I wasn't ready to face you yet. But most of all I wasn't ready to face myself."

She paused again. She looked up at the night sky and then back at him. 

"When I saw you up there on the stage, the crowd chanting your name, I realized something."

"You still think I am not serious about what we have," Siddharth said slowly. 

"No!" Chetna interrupted, "I am also sorry for saying that. I don't think that. I was just lashing out at you because I was shaken. I didn't even mean it back then." 

"Then I don't understand."

"I realized that the reason I lashed out like that wasn't that I was insecure. It was because I was envious of how in control you were. Even faced with the worst demons you were so... impressive. Your principles and resolve... they were unshaken. You are so clear about your life and the goals you want to achieve. Siddharth I envy what you have.

Me? I had imposed my own fantasies on you and then I got mad when you didn't play along. I forgot that you weren't just a character in my story. You are a person, larger than life. Larger than I could ever imagine. You weren't there just to rescue me from my stupid hell."

She held out her hands and grabbed both of his hands. 

"Seeing you on stage just shocked some sense into me. You're bigger than all of this. You're Siddharth Kashyap! It's me who doesn't fit into your world."

Siddharth stared at her with a frozen look of bewilderment. What the fuck was she talking about?

"Chetna are you hearing yourself? This concert you're talking about, I sang you the John Mayer song there! I was going to confess my love to you in front of all those people!" he said in exasperation.  

"Siddharth that's the thing right? We were both in a very vulnerable state this week and we found each other in such critical times that these feelings of comfort... I think we just mistook them for love."

"So you really think that what we shared was a lie?" he asked. 

"No, not exactly. What we felt was very real but in the enclosed world of that wedding. Once the cold air of reality hit me I realized that..."

"What? That we don't love each other?" he provided incredulously.

"Maybe in that moment, we did love each other. But I don't think we would make it in the long run. You would eventually end up resenting me. I don't want to tie you down to me. You have a world of firsts waiting for you out there."