Hold Me Down

Chapter 7

It doesn't surprise Emily when Alison fails to show up at school on Monday morning. She's not even sure how she managed to get herself to school today. After leaving Alison's house Saturday night she had gone home and collapsed on her bed, exhausted and disgusted with herself. She had cried till the alcohol in her system had lulled her into a fitful slumber and then awoken to the harsh reality that the previous night had not been a dream. Sunday had passed mostly in a blur after she managed to swipe two bottles of cheap wine from the kitchen cabinet when her mother was out grocery shopping.

She wakes up on Monday morning hung over and guilt-ridden, and basically functions on auto-pilot till she finds herself walking through the double doors of Rosewood High. She can't remember getting dressed or even driving to school, but here she is standing besides her friends at her locker with a pounding headache. She tries to look discrete as her eyes follow every long-haired blonde girl that passes. She's desperate to catch a glimpse of Alison so she could assure herself that the blonde is alright, but Alison never shows and Emily does't blame her. She wouldn't want to see herself either after what she did.

She knows there's no excusing her behavior, but she really hadn't meant to hurt Alison. Not in that way. She would never force herself on anyone, especially not Alison. The thought alone makes her sick. Sure their intimate encounters had been rough and she had been harsh with the blonde, maybe even cruel, but Alison hadn't exactly objected. Not that she could recall anyway. Ali might have been hesitant that first night but once Emily had touched her, Alison had practically begged her to fuck her and then they had settled into a routine of sorts. Well, maybe she had initiated that routine but Alison hadn't protested, not much at least. She couldn't really remember. She hadn't been too fussed with how Alison felt about it but she swears she would have stopped if Alison had objected. She's not that much of a monster.

Sex with Alison wasn't at all how she imagined it'd be. She had wanted Alison since they were both 14 years old, before she even understood what exactly it was she wanted from the blonde. Back then just the sight of Alison's sultry smile or sparkling blue eyes would make her feel something strange in the pit of her stomach. And while she hadn't understood the feelings she was having for her best friend at the time, Alison had and she had relished in Emily's crush on her. Emily still remembers the gleam in Alison's eyes whenever the blonde shamelessly flirted with her or flaunted herself in front of Emily while they changed, whispering in her ear in that sexy kittenish voice of hers, or brushing her fingers ever so lightly over Emily's skin whenever they touched. It had been torture, but the best kind of torture.

Alison was her first kiss and she had wanted more than anything to make Alison her first in other regards, as well. She would often picture how she thought it'd happen. She'd picture them laying on beach towels out by the lake in the summer when no one else was around, laughing softly and exchanging tentative touches. Alison would be sweet and patient with her and she'd show Alison just how much she meant to her.

But Alison hadn't returned her feelings, she had cruelly shot her down and mocked her instead. And then Ali was gone-before Emily had ever gotten the chance to tell her how much she loved her. And Emily had felt guilty for thinking of Alison that way. For fantasizing about being with her best friend who liked boys and who had disappeared.

So Emily clamped down her feelings for Ali, let go of her fantasy and given herself to Maya and then to Paige. Both girls had been good to her and good for her. Even though they had both eventually left her, Emily had appreciated their time together. Had maybe even loved them. But they weren't Alison and somewhere deep down inside Emily always knew she'd always be hung up on her first love.

When she finally got to have Alison in the way she had always wanted, it was all wrong. She was angry and hurt, blinded by misdirected rage, and Alison was sad and hopeless, had seemed empty almost. There was no love between them, no romance or sweetness, it had just been sex and Emily had never wanted to just have sex with Alison. She had wanted to make love to her, to feel her in the most intimate way possible. But Emily realizes now that while she had Alison's body, she never really gotten Alison herself. And it was just so like Alison to give herself to Emily without actually giving herself to her.