I don't know where to start, it'll be too damn long if I would tell this detailed.
It took a lot of courage for me to write this, to tell my story. But I guess this is a good thing so that I can finally let go, I can finally like the person who's waiting for me.
The girl she's been telling me, the girl I deserve.
A girl asked me to tell my side story of how I adored one woman and fell deeply.
"𝐻𝑜𝑦, 𝐼 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑛𝑎 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑠𝑖𝑑𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑦 𝑠𝑢𝑙𝑎𝑡 𝑚𝑜 𝑔𝑎𝑔𝑎𝑤𝑎𝑛 𝑘𝑜 𝑛𝑔 𝑘𝑤𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑜. 𝑆𝑎𝑙𝑎𝑚𝑎𝑡!"
Brave I must say, she just literally asked me to write down a summary of how crazy I am with her.
Yes, it's her.
I met her in the last place where I would want to go to.I am a wrecked man.
I have no direction, but because of her I already had one. The passion and dedication she had in her eyes made me come to my senses.
But she didn't know that I was healing because of her. Ah, yes, I still got a dream huh?
Because of her, I want to fix my life. I want to be the best man for the best girl, I can clearly see my future with her.
She didn't know that she was my cure.
She didn't know, because she had laid her eyes on another man who's far away than mine.
Distance. It was never the problem, she may be miles away from me at all times, I am very much willing to go and travel where she is, just to close the mile away distance between us.
Time. I have a lot of time for her, that's given. I would always choose her over anything else. Wondering what the problem is? I am not enough for her.
I am not enough, I don't know maybe because I am not him? Or because I did broke her first? But hey, that was unintentional.
I was always there by her side, her lending shoulder to lean on.
I was her living diary and comforter whenever she was feeling down and bothered because of the man who can't reciprocate properly her feelings.
Damn pain, I can be a masochist and a clown just for her.
I can let her use me as much as she wants if that can ease and mend her bothered heart.kaya kong tiisin ang masaktan, dahil mahal ko siya. But I guess love's not enough. There are plenty of priorities you have to do first. And that's the first thing I'd ever learned from her.We will not survive shits in life with just love.
"Bakit ba pag nakikita kita, libro lagi mong hawak? Wala ka na bang ibang gamit?"
"Meron naman"
"Ano? Highlighter? Sticky notes? Eyeglass?" Pang aasar ko sa kaniya.
"Cutter"
"Aanhin mo ang cutter?"
"Pamutol ng dila mo" She said that, while turning back on me.
I was about to rebutt when her brother inserted. "Stop annoying my sister you dumbass, that's our lawyer"
And that was our first encounter. A lawyer huh? What a tigress.
Lagi ko siyang nakikita tuwing bakasyon, Lester's sisters would always go here every summer, She's studying at Davao. I don't know at first why would they go there when in fact they originally live here.
Hindi naman ako naglalagi sa kanila, but because of Allei, my cousin na laging naka tambay sa kanila to study sometimes, napapatambay nadin ako. Damn Doctors. But that's not a hassle, because it's just a 15 minutes drive from our home to theirs. Ganoon lang kalapit ang bahay namin sa kanila. And Tita Mel's really fond of Lester's sister kaya minsan nasa bahay din sila.
Mas madalas kong kausap ang mga kapatid niya dahil minsan nakikihalubilo ito sa amin, but her? She's either in her room or in the kitchen. Damn girl, a heavy eater.
"You love eating huh?" One time I saw her eating junk food in the kitchen while on her phone.
"Gusto mo?" Pag alok niya, na kinuha ko naman. I stayed for a while to talk to her. Until hours had pass.
That's how we started being friends and got to know each other.
They are studying in Davao except for Lester who stayed in here, because of their dad. A Chief inspector, kingina parang nakikita ko ng hahabulin ako ng mga bala sa susunod.
Years and years had pass mas nakilala ko siya ng tuluyan.
She loves reading, that's the obvious fact. She can't stand too much sweet, she prefers salty and sour foods. She loves collecting perfumes and shoes, she doesn't drink milk nor coffee, minsan lang kapag kailangan. She loves to sing and knows how to cook well.
She respects space, a selfless independent woman.
Its a seldom whenever she gets jealous and I tell you, hindi pa halata. She never shares any of her burdens, she keeps it until she'll heal all by herself. And damn woman knows how to hold a gun. Now tell me, who would dare to cheat and play with her? I say none.
She's now going to her college, I saw how devastated she was when she was not allowed to enter the academy due to her condition.
She told me every detail, of how she ended up being an accountancy student.
Her day by day stories is my music.
I always anticipated the days of summer. Because that's the time I can see and hug her. We were a thing, I know. But due to circumstances, I hurt her. I will not go into any details but that's it.
Nakasakit ako.
But she still had the heart to forgive. Hindi ko nga alam kung nagalit nga ba siya. I was ready for her, too much determined to get her back but I was a bit late. She had settled in her dreams, and I was not included.
But I respected that. I am happy to see her striving hard for her dreams and future. My baby's responsible, damn yes she's mine.
I discovered rpw because of Lester and Allei, but I didn't care. Not until those bastards told me she had a dummy account too. So with no hesitation, I made one and fuck she has a pair. Her ex-boyfriend they say.
I pursued her afterward. I am open about how I feel towards her. I even got punched by her brother for making a move.
But hard as a rock, she had closed her heart for relationship.
"𝐻𝑖𝑛𝑑𝑖 𝑘𝑜 𝑝𝑎 𝑘𝑎𝑦𝑎𝑛𝑔 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑢𝑘𝑖𝑛 𝑛𝑔𝑎𝑦𝑜𝑛 𝑎𝑛𝑔 𝑝𝑎𝑘𝑖𝑘𝑖𝑝𝑎𝑔 𝑟𝑒𝑙𝑎𝑠𝑦𝑜𝑛, 𝐷𝑟𝑒𝑖. 𝐼 𝑎𝑚 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑐𝑎𝑝𝑎𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑛𝑜𝑤"
That was pain.
We had countless fights. But it never crossed my mind to leave her.
"𝐻𝑖𝑛𝑑𝑖 𝑘𝑖𝑡𝑎 𝑚𝑎ℎ𝑎𝑙 𝑠𝑎 𝑝𝑎𝑟𝑎𝑎𝑛𝑔 𝑔𝑎𝑦𝑎 𝑛𝑔 𝑛𝑎𝑟𝑎𝑟𝑎𝑚𝑑𝑎𝑚𝑎𝑛 𝑚𝑜 𝐴𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑒𝑖"
She one day told and confronted me.
"Sinubukan ko naman"
"You didn't. Because if you do, you won't think of him Kei"
We are here in the car fucking arguing, stopping me from loving her. Puta kung kaya ko lang ginawa ko na. Pero hindi, I can't stop.
"Ikaw ba ako? Bakit ba pala desisyon ka!? I said I tried! Hindi ko lang tlaga kaya"
"No Kei, you can. You just don't want to. Magkaiba iyon"
".....magkaibang magkaiba"
"Andrei look, love's not my priority as of now alam mo naman iyon diba?"
"Did I ever demand for your time Kei? All I want is for you to give me another chance. I just settled sa kung ano ang kaya mong ibigay, wag mo naman akong pahintuin sa mga bagay na gusto kong gawin."
"You don't deserve to be treated like that Andrei, don't settle for that. Please"
"And yet you're settling with someone who's unsure of you"
"Well then I guess, we're on the same page. Birds with the same feather flocks together"
"You love him that much? Baby, he's damn fucking miles away from you heck' hindi mo pa nga siya nakikita"
"It's not about him, okay? I admit, I cared, he almost destroyed my entire wall pero hindi. Hindi ako ganoon ka tanga! Maybe you just don't know me that much?"
"Then fucking explain, bakit hindi Keila!?"
"I am not entitled to explain myself Fuentes, just understand that I can't love you"
"And even if its him I still won't love you the way you wanted me to be" she added.
"Why?"
"Hindi ko alam Drei, I don't want to lie to you but that's just how I feel"
"I love you Drei, I really do"
"Don't say that fucking word if you don't mean it"
"I mean it, you just don't want to accept it. Because it is not the love you wanted it to be"
"I want to fight Kei"
"I want to fight even if you don't meet me halfway"
"Just stop Andrei, dahil kahit anong gawin mo wala tayong patutunguhan" and that's the biggest fight I had with her before going back to Davao.
"Let it go man, stop torturing yourself" Lester told me.
"Pussy whipped" Allei
"Yeah? Tell that to Majoy and Lian" After that, that's when I got myself busy with work. After that night we never had any conversations, not until summer came again. Allei's about to go to Amsterdam for his studies, while Lester's at his work. They stayed here for a long to bond.
"Shaun are we okay?" She one day asked as she approached me.
"Yeah"
"Okay" she said and walked away.
I loved her from afar, It lasted for I don't know how many years. I was finally contented and used to it. That's also the time when I learned how to stop.
Stopping doesn't mean giving up.
It is just the act of stopping something that don't actually fit.
She's the one who's pushing me away. But despite that, that girl will always be my sweet. The girl whom my heart cried out. She's the lesson and teacher I will always remember, my strength when I am at my weakest.
We may not be for each other but that doesn't mean my life would stop there, I will continue to strive hard for something worthy.
Because I am Shaun Andrei Fuentes, her start but not her end. And this is the end of the beginning of our story.
