MY SOLACE | Kokonoi Hajime

04

"Is that a breakfast for us?" Haruchiyo asks as he pointed at the paper bag I'm holding.

"You've been buying breakfast this past few days, huh? What's the occasion?" Ran smirked because he knew that I'm sending this breakfast to the motor shop.

"For Inupi?" Haruchiyo raised his eyebrows as I rolled my eyes as I went out of the cafe. It's been a month since I started sending breakfast to the motor shop. I didn't see Draken there early in the morning anymore and I might know why. He wants Seishu to be the one who will caught me.

"I hope you like it." I smirked before placing the paper bag on the floor near the sliding door.

I stood there for a while before I decided to leave with the same heavy feelings and guilt.

I don't know what will I do if ever I will see Seishu again. The guilt was still here. The guilt of thinking he was Akane-san. And the sorrow I'm feeling because of Akane-san was slowly fading. Maybe, because I'm finally realizing the reality. The reality that she was gone and I got Seishu.

It's not easy to let go of someone I loved from the past. It will always stay and will have the special place in my heart. But, thinking of the present, and scenarios that could happen if I see Seishu, I will choose to stay where I am right now so he can be safe. And that's all I can do for him right at the moment.

I'll bleed to death if something happens to Seishu.

"Koko?"

My footsteps halted. Eyes widening as I heard a familiar tone of voice. His falsely sweet voice and the familiar feeling that enveloped me. I slowly turned around and I met his dazzling blue eyes. His bored look was in check, of course.

It's Seishu.

"What-You're the one who's giving this expensive breakfasts?" He asked, looking at the paper bag. His sunflower blond hair swayed as he looked down. His pale skin was glowing under the sun. He's ethereal.

I stayed silent, pushing aside the image of someone inside my head. And when he looked back at me...

"Akane-san." I couldn't help it.

I saw a strike of pain in his eyes, he shed a tear. And that pain changes to wrath. "Leave! Leave, Koko! I don't want to see you again!" He shouted, he's in pain.

I nodded keeping my eyes on the tears falling down on his cheeks. I want to apologize. But, I know it will be useless because he won't hear me. He knows all of the words that I will tell him.

"Man, you're an idiot." Ran smacked the back of my head. I stared at my wine glass, it's half full.

"Leave me alone, Ran." I sighed lifting my eyes to see the view. The city lights were alive. After Ran left, I stayed on the balcony, occasionally filling my glass with wine as I count the lights. Like how I count the stars in his eyes when we're together.

Akane-san, do I really love you? Do I pity Seishu because you're not around anymore? I supported Seishu since she was gone. Did I lost feelings for you? Or my feelings just transferred to you from Seishu?

I don't want to think too hard about it. But, days passed by, it's all getting worse. The nightmares, my feelings, I feel lonely as I stared at the ceiling in the dark.

And finally, I decided to do something. I wrote a letter to Seishu.

Seishu,

I'll begin to apologize for everything. I know you're in a good hands now with Draken and everyone else but I want you to remember me at least.

You know, I've been having nightmares since we parted ways. It also feels like I've lost something precious to me. I have also been asking myself about my true feelings and I've come to conclusion that you're special to me. I know that you will go on your own way and I did the same. But I couldn't go on my way without checking up on you. You mean a lot to me, Seishu.

It always seems to amaze me how quickly change occurs, like a constant flowing river of near icy cold waters. Like the tides change bringing newness, like the wind blows in fresh air. As long as the memory of you lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good.

You're Seishu and not Akane-san.

And if the right time comes, I will be the only one who can love you. You're the one that made us feel at peace. It's been an honor growing up with you, my soul, my home.

This isn't goodbye. See you later, my solace.

sincerely,

Koko

After sending that letter, I finally accepted the reality. The truth that it's Seishu whom I love. The nightmares vanished and I was at tranquility. Except for the brawls that's happening around Bonten.

"Koko! Answer your phone!" Haruchiyo threw my phone on my direction. I was sipping my afternoon tea at the living room while watching Kakucho and Ran play cards.

"Who's calling?" I placed the tea cup on the coffee table and looked at the screen of my phone.  "Huh?" It's Draken.

"Yes? Koko speaking..." I tried not to stutter.

[Koko! Can you come here for a bit?] He says, a hint of worry laced on his voice.

"Is there something I can help you with?" I stood up from my seat and walked away from the loud fuckers.

There's silence for a moment before he speaks. [You see, it's Inupi's birthday today.] I know that. I sent a gift earlier.   [He told me that he's going somewhere this morning and he hadn't come back, it's afternoon. We're worried.] They must've threw a party for Seishu and he's nowhere to be found.

I might know where he is.

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