Blank.

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You can't choose who you fall for. — November, 2008.

I took the paper and read it once more just to made it clear. The handwriting was messy but I knew it was my handwriting, the question was why would I write something like that 11 years ago? Still unsure about the letter, I read the letter for the third time and caught something in the corner of the paper. A doodle of tulip. It made it even confusing than before, my brain definitely had this memory but it won't came out and my chest hurt because of my curiosity. I've been staring at the letter for 10 minutes but I couldn't dig my deepest memory, and I gave up. I decided to continue packing my things so I could get out from this apartment tomorrow. Japan, the most beautiful country for me, had always been my dream since I was a little kid, and I'd be moving to Japan tomorrow to continue my study as a bio-engineer. I guessed I was pretty lucky because I got a good life. I walked to my book shelf and sighed, I had too many books but I couldn't leave them, not even one. I started to pack my collection of books and put them into boxes. I tried to remember what was inside every book I had then a book caught my attention. The cover was red and 'Shikutoka' written on it. I couldn't remember anything about that book, I thought it was my high school friend's or something. I opened the first page, We Live And Breathe Words, by those words, I froze at the moment.

Do you know what hurt me the most? Seeing him laughing when I said I have a boyfriend. — January, 2009.

My chest twisted automatically. I remembered I had a boyfriend years ago but by the text it looked like I was in love with different person, this 'him' was the reason I wrote my diary but I still had no idea who I was talking about. With a headache I turned the third page — the second page was the letter that I read the first time; it ripped — carefully, preparing myself for whatever I would read.

And there you are, finding me miserable

Almost giving up to the scary world

You said "I'll be there for you." — February, 2009.

 The air was chill but the atmosphere was hot and I was out of breath, the memories hit me hard in the face. He was my close friend, a kind of friend that would make me sleep at midnight because the conversations were so interesting and did the same for every night. He was a smart kid in my class and we'd talked about one subject for hours. He was so funny, all of my friends — even teachers — loves him. He was so good at sport, he gave our school some trophies from football championships. I remembered his face, his voice, his laugh, even the way he walked. I was mad at myself because how could I forget something so important for my life like this? I really wanted to punch myself but it surely looked stupid and my hands were trembling. Suddenly a million of questions popped out from my head. Where was he all these years? Why didn't he call me? Why did we end up not being together? How could I forget?

World seems never get tired

Shake everything inside

Some things went upside,

Unlucky things went downside

Some places got the warmth of the sun

The other places got the time to rest

The heartbreak, depression, suicide, always had their time

The laugh, hugs and kisses, they had their place too